- Y'all been watching the war?
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Who up?
(audience laughing)
No, 'cause like who up?
'Cause last time I checked Russia was up
but then I don't know you Ukraine...
I don't know.
It's just a lot of stuff going on.
Don't nobody be watching the news no more.
We just watch TikTok.
It's crazy.
We just watch TikTok.
But my friend, one of my homeboys,
he got a little money so he watch the news.
People with money watch the news.
He called me not too long ago and he was like,
"Brandi do you know that we're in a food shortage?"
I was like, "No I got food in my house right now,
I ain't know."
I did not know, that's crazy.
He was like, "Yeah I've been looking for Rice Krispy Treats
for four months."
I'm like, "Shit, rice..."
That's crazy.
I would've never known that, I eat Captain Crunch.
So that's, I don't know.
(audience luging)
I would've never known that.
But shit's going on and we're being distracted.
Like President's falling off bikes, TikTok dances coming up.
We don't know what the fuck is going on.
And so like we need to start paying attention.
There's a food shortage,
there's also an epidural shortage,
there's also a baby formula shortage.
It's like what the fuck?
Woo ooh ooh, conspiracy theory music.
This shit, like for real.
They trying to take us out
and we don't know cause we at home like this editing.
Do it again mama, do it again.
Do it in slow motion.
No do it again.
Pause it, run it back three seconds.
We're in there trying to do that.
We don't even know they're out here taking stuff away.
Especially ladies, they taking our rights.
How you gonna take away abortion and epidurals?
So that mean I gotta have the baby
then you ain't gonna relieve no pain
for me having the baby
and then you ain't got no baby formula
for me to feed the baby that I didn't even wanna have.
Like, what?
(audience cheering)
Like, what?
Make it make sense.
They like that baby gonna die anyway.
It just ain't gonna be on us.
You feel me? Like, fuck.
Got bodies on me, this is crazy. I hate it.
Like what the fuck.
So yeah, so I've been getting ready for the war
on us 'cause the shit's happening, okay.
I've been getting ready for real.
I went to the army surplus store.
I was in that bitch with a checklist, you feel me?
I was like yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where them water canteens at?
I'm gonna need that, I'm gonna need that.
Or that compass at?
I got a compass.
Y'all laughing y'all ain't got no motherfucking compass.
Don't nobody got no compass.
Who got a compass?
Last show somebody was like, "I got one in my phone."
Bitch, the world is ending.
You're phone don't work.
(audience laughing)
You are not ready for the apocalypse.
I know y'all ain't ready
'cause last time the shit went down
y'all went and bought toilet paper.
Y'all ain't ready.
(audience laughing)
Cause if they said run north right now
y'all wouldn't know where the fuck to go, okay.
I got a compass in my back pocket. I'm running north.
And don't try and follow me 'cause imma zigzag.
Imma zig zag.
Y'all ain't catching me.
For real, I started getting my stuff together.
I got me some numb chucks.
I dunno how to use them but they look dangerous.
If you run up on me like, "Back up."
You better back up.
'Cause if the shit goes down
my friend's not about to occupy my one bedroom apartment.
Like, fuck y'all.
Y'all not about to occupy my balcony.
The fuck?
I can see it now.
They all down on ground, "Brandi, help us."
I'm up there with my Captain Crunch,
"You should have prepared."
(audience laughing)
With my numb chucks.
Nah, I'm saving myself.
Dating in your thirties is different.
It's different from when you were younger.
When you were younger
people could just like whisper sweet nothing's in your ear.
They just be like,
(whispering noises)
You be like, "Hell yeah."
Fuck yeah, I'm on what you on.
When you get in your thirties it's different.
You gotta whisper real stuff to me like,
"I'm in therapy."
(audience laughing)
I be like, "Oh yeah?"
For real.
"I want two kids, I wanna send 'em to private school."
I'm like, "Damn. Making me moist, Daddy."
(audience laughing)
I voted in the city elections.
What? What? What?
And not just like I voted, like, I got a sticker I voted.
'Cause y'all motherfuckers
be love posting them stickers like, "I voted."
You Christmas treed that voting, Paul,
you don't even know who you voted for.
But no like I really voted
like he knows the issues that he was voting on.
'Cause I feel like if you could listen
to all these politicians and sort through their issues,
then I know you can handle my baggage, baby.
The fuck I got a therapist for, okay?
I saved a hundred dollars last month
by telling my problems to my man.
(audience laughing)
I went to a women's health clinic.
It was like nine o'clock in the morning.
I had an appointment.
I'm standing outside smoking a vape pen.
I know it sounded like I was under a lot of stress
but I wasn't, I was just smoking a vape.
It was not a stressful day.
So I'm standing in front of this clinic
smoking this vape pen and like men do,
he walks past and says something to me
that he didn't even need to say.
But he walked past.
He was like, "Hey, baby."
"You know you too good looking to be smoking, right?"
I'm also too good looking for you to be talking to me.
But since we're doing things we shouldn't be doing
like what's up bro?
(audience laughing)
He's like, "What you smoking?"
It's clearly a vape pen.
It looks like a cartridge, a USB.
Like, what do you think I'm smoking, right?
But me being a comedian, I was like,
"Ha ha, I'm smoking crack."
(audience laughing)
Like I said this.
Y'all, why this man say, "Oh yeah"
and pull a crack pipe out his pocket.
(audience laughing)
And was like, "What's up baby?"
What the fuck?
I'm like, "Bro, I'm here to ruin somebody else's life,
not mine." and I pointed at the abortion sign.
Like what?
I wasn't there for an abortion though.
I was just there for birth control.
But like what?
And then it was the way he asked me like I was really going.
And then he jumped in his van and was like, "Are you sure?"
And I was like, "Yeah I'm sure."
He act like I needed a minute to think about it.
Like I don't need to second guess this decision.
And then his van had curtains so I know he lived in it.
(audience laughing)
'Cause the curtains matched
and they were on all the windows.
And why would you interior decorate your van
unless it was your home.
And so yeah bro, I'm good, but thanks.
The fuck.
I've been living in LA for about four years now.
And LA's fake happy.
A lot of people are fake happy.
They're just running around like,
"Oh, manifest, manifest, manifest.
Alignment, crystals, crystals crystals.
It's a full moon, ahhh.
Acai, let's go hiking."
(audience laughing)
Like, bitch, are you okay?
If I have another friend gimme some crystals
for my birthday or holiday.
'Cause I have so many on my bookshelf.
It's just like if you ain't got no money, just say that.
(audience laughing)
Quit giving me these rocks, bitch.
Cause they don't work, okay?
I sleep with 'em in my bed, a man ain't appear yet.
They in my panties right now.
Where he yet, okay?
The crystals don't work.
Stop fucking giving 'em out to me.
And they try to make you feel bad about working.
So many people in LA don't work and it's weird.
But when I first got out there I was hustling.
I had a couple of jobs.
I was doing standup, I was doing Postmates
I was doing Uber. I was hanging out with a group of girls,
one of which I thought was my friend.
She wasn't.
She was like, "So Brandi."
Her name was Jessica, it sound like she was fucked up.
(audience laughing)
She was like, "So Brandi, what do you do for work?"
I was like, "Oh I do standup I do Postmates
and I drive Uber.
And she was like, "Ew, Uber."
And I was like, "Yeah Uber, Jessica, what you do?"
She was like, "Oh me, I drive Lyft."
I was like, "Bitch, that's the same thing."
(audience laughing)
Like that's the same thing.
The fuck.
Before I moved out there, I lived in Chicago
and I was a social worker.
Yeah, I quit six years ago.
(audience cheering)
Followed my dreams.
I'm gonna tell you, I quit the realest way too.
I quit on some boss bitch shit.
If you watching this and you work at DHS, what's up?
(audience laughing)
But no, I knew I was gonna quit about a week before I quit.
I did some just real arrogant shit.
I got I do what I want tattooed on the back of my neck.
(audience cheering)
And just wore my hair in a ponytail to work
for the rest of the fucking week.
They were like, "Brandi, can you fax these papers?"
I was like, "Nope."
(audience laughing)
It was real bad.
But I liked working there not because they paid me anything,
but I liked working there 'cause I used to get hit on a lot.
Because I don't know if you guys have seen social workers,
but like I'm like a bad bitch social worker.
So I'm like at the top of the social worker chain.
So I used to get hit on by my clients which was weird
'cause it would always be after the interview.
Which is interesting.
Very interesting. You gotta have a lot of confidence
to hit on your social worker after the interview.
You just told me that you live in an underpass
you haven't had a job, you can't feed you.
I know you can't feed me.
So like, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
Some of them clients had some swag, you know?
Like you could feel big dick energy.
I don't care if you got a home or not.
Like they was throwing game and I was like,
"I don't know, I don't know."
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
But the best pickup line,
I was sitting in my office I was like,
"Today is a good day Michael.
You've been approved for the food stamps and Obamacare."
And he was like, "That's cool Ms. Denise."
And then he leaned back and he licked his lips.
And I was so happy that he lick his lips
'cause he had that white shit in the corner.
And I was like, "I am so happy that he did that."
'Cause don't you hate when you talking to somebody
and that shit be building up.
And you just be looking at it and you like, "Fuck, I gotta."
You start licking your lips like.
You ain't gonna get it? You just gonna let it sit there.
You just gonna foam?
You just gonna foam at the mouth?
Okay, okay okay.
So it got me thinking like
maybe I should get him my number
'cause they really don't pay me that much.
And I did just give him a food stamp card
with $917.13 cent on it.
And like we could go on a grocery shopping date,
you feel me?
(audience laughing)
Like I'm all in Whole Foods and I'm like,
"Baby where the motherfucking lobster and avocado at?"
He on aisle 17, "You have whatever you like."
Just foaming at the mouth.
But I don't give a fuck, he my man, you feel me?