'Look for a man with the face of a corpse and you'll find your vampire.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘You’re a writer I hear.’
Well I don’t like to talk about it but there’s a link to my Amazon page in the description below.
Gallery of Horror is an anthology film comprising 5 stories presented by John Carradine.
‘In the days when zombies werewolves and vampires ran wild, stalking their victims over the face of the earth, everyone was afraid of the unknown.’
Who seems to have popped into the studio on his way to a party.
‘Let me tell you the story of the Witch’s Clock’
A young couple move into an old mansion,
‘Is there a dungeon’
The obvious first question.
In the dungeon they find a clock.
‘I’ve never seen a clock like that before.’
and just as they get it working again.
#Doorbell and knocking#
‘Someone’s at the door’
‘Now who would that be on a night like this’
It’s John Carradine in his other role.
Naturally the couple gives the total stranger showing up at their door a job and ask him to move in.
But the following day they get a visit from a classic Dark Corners breakout character.
‘Didn’t like your mother in law, spread the word she’s a witch. Before you know it. Poof. No more problems.'
'Those were the good old days. Some say.'
’There’s a backstory there we never even touch on.
He also knows about the house’s owner back in those good old days.
‘Lucy Maylor had powers. Not witch powers mind you, but magical powers’
Not witch powers. Magical ones.
He even knows about the clock.
‘People say it could bring back the dead’
That’s a clock that brings back the dead.
Anyway, we’ve got 5 of these stories to get through so let’s jump to the big finish.
‘You’ll kill us all!’
Down goes the house of Usher. Then…
‘Did the agent say why that young couple left here?’
I don’t know; fire damage?
Story number two.
‘I call it King vampire’
is my favourite, largely because the lead actor has decided to play to the gallery.
‘Then we’re obviously dealing with a mad man’
and pauses partway through to perform his one-man show to a non-existent audience.
‘Who has seen King Vampire’s face?’
People are being killed by a vampire and the police talk to the locals.
‘Speak up’
Like I do.
They have a strategy.
‘She’d be alive right now if you fools would get out of your shells and go after this monster. We can’t do it alone!’
Let the public take the law into their own hands.
Which goes well as they stop the next man they see in evening dress.
‘I know it looks bad’
I’m sure he can explain the blood on his hands.
‘But I killed a dog’
See, perfectly innocent explanation,
'You can't take the law into your own hands.'
but the mob kills him, leaving the police racked with guilt.
‘Well, now we’ll never know if that was the man we’re really after’
Yep, no way you possibly find out now.
‘There’ve been 3 more murders since that man was beaten to death.’
I wish this one was the whole film it’s hilarious.
‘History will probably record that King Vampire turned out to be a large embarrassing question mark.’
That does sum it up, but at least it has the grace to be funny.
What’s next John?
‘Let me tell you the story of The Monster Raid’
which opens with a living corpse rescued from his grave.
‘Help me, Desmond’
He then proceeds to narrate the story during a coach journey that I’m pretty sure was taken from Roger Corman’s The Raven.
‘How well I remember this road.’
Which means that’s Jack Nicholson driving.
Anyway the dead man used to be a scientist.
‘I’ve been conducting certain experiments with chicks’
You dirty old man.
His assistant is having an affair with his wife and plots to steal his formula.
‘Is he dead? He looks like it’
But the assistant doesn’t know that the formula allows our scientist to come back from the dead.
‘At least master, we shall have our revenge.'
With virtually no ill-effects.
He gets his revenge but I don’t think this was ever a good plan.
Next…
‘The Spark of Life’
Featuring a more familiar mad scientist and a more familiar star.
‘Baron Erik Von Frankenstein’
Lon Chaney jr plays a university lecturer with a theory about resurrecting the dead.
But his students plan to play a prank on him using one of his cadavers.
‘Shall we bring him back to life’
That is some next level pranking,
but Chaney finds out.
‘A chance to prove my theory’
I would never have thought of testing it myself.
‘I wonder if this is such a good idea’
I’m starting to doubt our tampering in God’s domain.
'You tested your theory and just didn't work is all.'
'Rahhh!'
It should not be possible to make resurrecting the dead this undramatic,
‘You can’t possibly be alive’
‘But I am.’
That does seem pretty conclusive.
But, when resurrecting the dead, always check who they are.
‘You were executed for murder weren’t you?’
Let’s move on.
‘And tell you the story of Count Alucard’
A character played by Lon Chaney jr in Son of Dracula, and now by this guy.
‘I sleep during the day and I’m awake only at night’
But don’t let the cunning anagram fool you,
this is a massively truncated retelling of Dracula’s opening chapters,
with dialogue that makes Keanu Reeves sound positively British,
‘Let us make haste, I wish to arrive there before nightfall’
‘I regret I cannot fulfil your request with such eagerness Herr Harker’
Something between a bat transformation and trouble in Gotham City,
and the only Dracula I’ve seen in which Jonathan Harker’s fear of being bitten comes across as gay panic.
‘Yes Blood’
‘What’s the matter with you Count, have you gone mad’
But it’s worth hanging on for the pay-off.
‘Mr Harker, you are much too clever for your own good. And now for your meddling you will have to pay.''
'I won’t let you drain this village of its blood, I need it for myself.''
Arrrrgh a Werewolf.'
This is one of the most incompetently made films we’ve ever reviewed.
‘I'm s genius.'
On the other hand director David Hewitt also made Wizard of Mars which is one of the most boring we’ve ever reviewed,
making this a massive improvement.
‘Bat's, vampire bats.'
’It may not be good, but it is occasionally hilarious.
'But now I will have my revenge.'
m, excuse us for a moment won't you.'
Thanks for watching. To see more John Carradine film reviews click here.
I loved King Vampire here – hysterical – what anthology film segments would you like to see expanded into whole features?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Ellen darling, it's your loving husband Charles.'