>> YOU GUYS, JAMES CORDEN, REGGIE WATTS, HOW GOOD ARE THEY?
(APPLAUSE) >> THEY ARE SO GOOD.
I AM ALSO SO GOOD.
(LAUGHTER) WE ARE ABOUT TO HAVE SO MUCH
FUN, YOU GUYS, THREE MONTHS AGO I GOT MARRIED.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THANK YOU.
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
I THINK MARK CUBAN OWES ME AT LEAST $100.
BUT LIKE MAYBE THE DALLAS MAF RICKS, RIGHT?
LIKE A WEDDING GIFT.
MY WIFE SHE IS AMAZING.
YOU WOULD LOVE HER.
SHE'S SO CAPABLE.
THAT'S ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT HER.
LIKE THE OTHER DAY SHE CHANGED THE HEADLIGHT ON MY CAR WITH HER
HANDS.
I DIDN'T KNOW COULD YOU DO THAT.
SOMETHING IS BROKE IN MY CAR, I USUALLY JUST ABANDON IT.
I LOST TWO, THREE CARS THAT WAY, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A THING YOU
COULD DO AS A HUMAN BEING.
AND BEING AROUND SOMEBODY LIKE THAT HAS MADE ME FEEL SO
SEAVMENT AND HAVE I HAD TO CHANGE MYSELF.
BECAUSE NOW SINCE WE GOT MARRIED EVERY NIGHT AT 11 P.M., IF I'M
STILL AWAKE, I FIND THAT I WOULD IKE TO HAVE A BABY.
NOW I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE "LATE, LATE SHOW," THIS IS
NEW STUFF.
I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN I WANTED TO PARENT BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD BUY
OR STEAL KIDS.
I NEVER THOUGHT I MIGHT LIKE TO HAVE A-- THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE
MATERNITY MOTORCYCLE JACKETS.
LIKE WHAT-- WHAT WOULD I WEAR?
YOU GUYS WHEN A BABY COMES OUT, IT HAS A FULL HEAD OF HAIR.
WHICH MEANS IF YOU REVERSE THAT PROCESS RIGHT BEFORE THAT MOM
GAVE BIRTH TO THAT BABY IT MEANS SHE HAD A FULL HEAD OF SOMEBODY
ELSE'S HAIR INSIDE OF HER BODY.
AND I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.
I DON'T THINK ANY OF US FEEL KFORT DABLE WITH THAT.
WE WILL THROW AWAY SOUP IF IT HAS ONE HAIR IN IT THAT IS NOT
OUR OWN.
BUT IT IS AN ENTIRE HEAD OF HAIR AND IT WAS ALREADY INSIDE OF YOU
BECAUSE IT GREW IN THERE.
OH NO THANK YOU.
PLUS WHENEVER I IMAGINE CHILD BIRTH I JUST IMAGINE ONE ARM
POPS OUT OF MY VAGINA AND IT UNZIPS ME.
AND YEAH, CAN I SAY THAT ON TELEVISION.
I DON'T THINK I'M THAT OFF BASE, I'VE HEARD IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TRACK MYSELF, SO MY BODY IS JUST LIKE
I WANT TO BUILD SOMETHING.
HAVE I BEEN WORKING WITH LEGO SETS.
MY APARTMENT IS COVERED IN "STAR WARS" VEHICLES.
NONE OF WHICH ARE DRIVEN BY WOMEN AND THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.
NOW I WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ONE THING, IF WE DECIDE TO DO THIS,
WE WILL HAVE TO GET A-- TAKEOUT.
(LAUGHTER) CUZ WE DO HAVE ALL THE RAW
MATERIALS FOR A BABY IN OUR KITCHEN.
IT'S LIKE DEFINITELY A DELIVERY AND NOT A DIGIIORNO SITUATION.
I TONIGHT KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVER HEARD ANYBODY TALK ABOUT SPERM
DONOR, I'VE HEARD IT A LOT.
IF WE RUN IF DIFFERENT CIRCLES.
PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT IT THE SAME WAY.
THEY'LL BE LIKE OH, WE GOT THE BEST ONE.
WE GOT THE BEST SPERM.
WE GOT LIKE A WHOLE BOOK FULL OF BABY PICTURES OF DUDES THAT WANT
TO DONATE SPERM, BABY PICTURES OF THOSE DUDES AND WE LOOKED
THROUGH IT AND WE PICKED THE HOTTEST BABY.
AND THEN WE MADE SURE THAT BABY WAS SMART AND IT WAS.
IT WAS LIKE A HOT, SMART BABY.
AND THAT BABY GREW UP TO DO MANY THINGS.
THAT BABY WAS A POLITICAL ORGANIZER, A SENATOR AND THEN
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
AND YOU ARE HE LIKE BARACK OBAMA WAS YOUR SPERM O DONOR.
AND THEY ARE LIKE WE CAN NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY BUT LOOK AT THE
EARS, MY POINT IS -- MR. PRESIDENT, MY POINT IS I
THINK IT'S THE WRONG STRATEGY.
IT'S NOT MY STRATEGY.
I DON'T WANT THE BEST GUY IF THE BOOK.
I WANT THE WORST GUY IN THE BOOK.
I WANT A GUY WHO IS LIKE IRRESPONSIBLE, PICKED UP FOR
LOITERING, ARE YOU AT A PARTY WITH THIS GUY AND THE PARTY RUNS
OUT OF DORITOS SO HE GOES TO GET MORE DORITOS AND ON THE WAY BACK
TO THE PARTY HE EATS ALL THE DORITOS!
WHAT A SELFISH GUY!
SEE, I WANT THAT GUY BECAUSE THEN LATER WHEN MY WIFE AND I
ARE RAISING OUR BABY AND OUR BABY SCREUS UP, BECAUSE ALL
CHILDREN SCREW UP, CAN I TURN TO MY WIFE AND BE LIKE, THAT WAS
NOT US.
(APPLAUSE) THAT WAS DORITO FINGERS FOR
SURE.
YOU GUYS THANK YOU SO MUCH, I'M CAMERON ESPOSITO.