Joseph Stalin is one of the most colorful figures in world history
He took the biggest country in the world and turned it into a superpower
He was a man who inhumanely killed millions of people, but also saved the world
The most evil man on the good side of history
Joseph Stalin was born into a poor Georgian family. Only back then, his name was not Stalin
He adopted that self-imposed nickname later on
Stalin roughly translates into 'man of steel' and also sounds kinda similar to Big Poppa Lenin
Whose name was also not Lenin
Pretty nice of Joe, too, it's way easier to say Stalin than Jugashvili
Young Stalin had a few accidents as a kid. For example, he was run over by a carriage which crippled his arm
Joe went to a church school, where he showed his gift for studying, along with causing trouble
He started reading pro-revolutionary novels as well as that one book from that German dude with a goofy beard
Now, some people are very good at singing. That’s their talent, that’s their thing
Others can dance and some can stick a spoon onto their body while desperately looking
If anyone around them is actually impressed
Stalin’s talent was to organize strikes and find fundings for his cause, legally or otherwise
And, let’s be honest, it was always otherwise
Once, he robbed a bank in broad daylight and ran off with around 4 million dollars in today’s money
Those were pretty much Stalin’s early revolutionary Bolshevik days
He’d steal some money and go into hiding waiting to get caught
Once exiled to Siberia, Joe would escape and repeat everything
During this time, Stalin had a couple of illegitimate kids, which he never recognized
Meanwhile, the First World War had begun. Stalin wasn't drafted due to that crippled arm we mentioned earlier
Don’t worry - it was his left hand, so he could still consult with Dr Hans
There’s a famous Georgian saying that no, we haven’t just made up and it goes:
"If one working arm is not good enough to shoot a rifle, use it to run a party newspaper and help the revolution!"
And that is exactly what Stalin did! After Red October, the Russian empire fell
Lenin and Stalin, together with Leon Trotsky, were the main people in power of the new Russian Soviet Republic
Now that the communists took over, it was time to clean up loose ends. Loose ends being any type of opposition
Stalin was given military command and he readily gave us a sneak peek into his future decision-making
Joe sent the army into the enemy thinking that numerical advantage alone would be enough
He suffered heavy losses...
That, of course, wasn't his fault! Stalin went on a hunt to find the treacherous spies who set him up!
Did you know your officers could be imperialist spies?!
Uhh, what, no? Who told you that?
Don’t worry about that, just go with it. So, listen to this idea. It’s a great idea, trust me, okay?
Ookay?
We put the officers on a ship, lock them up. Sink the ship
And then we tell Lenin they drowned during transport
That's a terrible idea...
You’re a terrible idea! You know what, actually, today’s your lucky day! Here’s a coupon for a free boat trip
The Bolshevik intellectuals at the time looked down on Stalin who wasn't greatly educated
And possessed those well-known Georgian countryside manners
Even Lenin himself didn't think highly of Stalin’s IQ plays
So, they gave Stalin the position of General Secretary which nobody really wanted. Big mistake!
Stalin used it to gain more power, while differences between him and Lenin grew larger by the day
After some health issues, Lenin passed away, which was very convenient of him
His death in 1924 left Stalin in charge, the undisputed champion of the Soviet Union!
Well, Trotsky disputed him, but not for long...
One thing you need to know about Stalin is that he was a bit paranoid
And by a bit, we mean he was completely out of his mind!
Five year economic plans, forced labor, deportations, Gulags. Also, famine! Lots of famine!
Literally millions of people - dead from famine...
Any form of disobedience or just simply arguing resulted in swift death or imprisonment
Usually without even a trial
Stalin commenced his famous Great Purge – any suspicion at all was enough
To get you sent to a Siberian Gulag
And by any suspicion, more often than not it meant no suspicion whatsoever
Oh, and if you went to a Gulag, you were one of the lucky ones – most were just shot dead
Stalin was endlessly coming up with new lists of people for execution and deportation
Okay, so we have Vladimir, Dimitri, Ale--
And Poles?
What?
Poles, put Poles on the list
Poles, like... The people? The Polish People?
Yeah, I don’t really trust the Poles, let’s just like get rid of them
Alright… Is that it?
Oh, and Latvians… Those sneaky little Latvians!
And while you’re at it, I never really got into that whole ‘We are Jews and we exist’, whole thing
You know what I mean?
I have no idea what- Yes I know exactly what you mean!
More than a million people were killed that we know of, and many more were sent to prison
90% of the army’s generals, 80% of its colonels and well over half of its corps commanders were all purged
Good thing there was absolutely no sign of a huge war coming up
When Hitler took Austria and parts of Czechoslovakia, it became obvious that a war was inevitable
Stalin needed to pick a side. But, it’s not as easy to do that when you dislike both
The Allies, however, weren’t yet ready to commit to a relationship with the Soviets
So Stalin told his Foreign Minister Molotov to strike a non-aggression deal with the Nazis
With the pact now in place, both Germany and the Soviets entered Poland like it was a hot girl who ordered pizza
Britain and France immediately declared war on the Nazis
But were somehow cool with the Soviets’ Polish adventure
When the Nazis blew everyone’s mind with how easily they destroyed France
The whole world was like "Say what, girlfriend?!"
It was time for Stalin to act!
He felt that the Finnish border was way too close to Leningrad and feared that the Nazis would exploit that
So, Stalin was like ‘Hey, Finns, hand us over some land for no reason’. In a shocking turn of events, Finland said no
This caused Stalin to start the Winter War. Due to the lack of capable generals who were still alive
The Soviets made every single decision wrong, from the color of the uniform to the overall strategy
I called you in here to tell you that I want to defeat Finland and I want it done by next Friday
That’s too soon, I think we should be more carefu--
But Adolf could do it!
Well, okay then, we should take our best equipment and beeline it straight to Helsinki
Oooor, we stretch it throughout the country and then get some tanks in
And then the planes
And then some machine guns
And maybe some AKs
That’s awesome, we’ll do that! Besides, that first idea was totally ga--
Anyway, that whole thing was an embarrassment for the Soviets
Thanks to their own stupidity, they allowed a Finnish farmer boy to become the deadliest sniper in history
Stalin managed to annex the Baltic countries with little struggle
But then made the mistake of entering Romania, which is where Hitler’s oil was coming from
Molotov had to take some time off from making his killer cocktails
And visited Hitler who assured him that they were still chill
Spoiler alert: they weren't!
The British sent warnings that Germany was preparing an attack, but Stalin dismissed their info
Just based on the fact that the British were the source and Joe thought they were kinda sketchy
Now, the Eastern Front in WWII is probably the most insane thing that happened in history
And we can’t really go into too much detail now, but we’ll hit you with some numbers
The Soviets were incredibly unprepared thanks to Stalin’s Purge
In the very first day, three Russian divisions were destroyed
In a month, the Germans had won an area double the size of their own country
And after just three months of war, the Russians had lost nearly three million men
In the siege of Leningrad alone, which lasted for over two years
More human beings died than the total war dead of Britain and the United States combined
However, Hitler overstretched. It was too much to fight on two fronts
Stalin and the Russian winter started a counter attack
Joe threw people into battle as if they were nothing. Retreat was regarded as treason
People argue that only a man such as Stalin, a man with a complete disregard for human life
Could so carelessly throw away millions and in turn win the biggest war in the history of mankind
And it was at the Eastern front that the war in Europe was won
D-day contributed by moving the Iron Curtain and ending it all sooner
Four years and 27 million dead Russians later, the Red Army captured Berlin and ended the war in Europe
For a brief period of time, Uncle Joe Stalin was a beloved friend of the world
Everyone knew that the Soviet Union became one of the great powers
And held them responsible for winning the war
Something that changed over the years due to poor marketing
In the years following the war, the tensions between the Allies grew
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but communism and capitalism don’t really go hand in hand
Stalin saw the atomic bomb dropped on Japan and was like "I’d love me one of those!"
The U.S. and the Soviets raced to spread their influence across the world
Not long after the war, Stalin’s health started going south. He was found dead at the age of 74
Despite all his cruelties, masses flooded the streets to pay their respects
To the man who propelled the Soviet Union to the top of the world
The crowd was so huge that hundreds of people lost their lives
They were the last entries to Joseph Stalin’s famous lists