- My in-laws keep asking
when we're gonna have a baby,
what do I say?
Hi, everyone, and welcome to Fertile Minds.
My name's Melissa Stephens,
and I'm one of the fertility counselors
here at IVFAustralia.
Many couples, after they get together,
experience this question,
but it's much more of a struggle
for people to answer
if they're doing fertility treatment
or struggling with having a baby.
Women who are doing IVF
often report that they feel like
they're letting other people down.
Their body is letting them down.
They feel like they're letting their partners
and their family and their in-laws down,
that they haven't been able to have a baby yet.
This adds a lot of pressure
to a very stressful situation.
And I've had a lot of women share with me that
it's hard when they tell people,
they talk to them
and then they're looking
at the sadness on their face,
and then I feel like, emotionally,
they're supporting that person,
as well as trying to deal with their own stuff.
And that puts you in
a really difficult predicament.
So, sometimes people decide to share,
and I guess it's deciding on the level
of information you wanna share
and being prepared for the comments back.
So some people will listen
and they won't say much,
and they'll kind of say the right thing.
And then other people will bombard you
with insensitive comments,
and I guess it's about how to manage that.
So you can just kind of blow it off and say,
"Thanks so much for your advice,
I'll take that on board,"
and do your own thing.
You can be a bit...
Try and give them a little bit...
Some people decide to try
and give a little bit more information
about how treatment actually works,
'cause a lot of people
don't have a good understanding
of what IVF really does involve.
And I guess the other thing to do is say,
"Thanks so much for your advice.
We've got a doctor that we're really happy with,
and they really understand
our personal situation,
so we're just following
their advice at the moment.
And we'll kind of let you know
if there's anything to let you know about."
Feel free when you start discussing it with people
to set some boundaries around it.
So, a conversation with your own family
or with your in-laws,
may decide who wants to do the telling.
Are you comfortable telling,
or would you prefer your partner
to tell his family or her family?
And then deciding,
"Okay, we're giving you this...
We thought we'd tell you
because we know that you really care about us
and that you might be a bit concerned
that we haven't been our usual selves lately.
We've been a bit distracted,
not always turning up to family events,
that kind of stuff.
So we thought we'd fill you in on the details,
but it can be a really slow process,
so don't feel like you need to check in with us.
We'll let you know if there's things happening,"
and just kind of contain it a little bit,
so then you're not
fielding lots of text messages,
and that sort of stuff.
And I guess, be careful how much detail.
So don't tell people
the day you're getting your results.
Just kind of say,
"Oh, we're still in the process at the moment.
We'll let you how we go."
'Cause if the results are good news,
you'll wanna just sit there
and be excited on your own
for a little while before sharing it.
And if it's not such good news,
then you'll want a little bit of time
on your own to process that
before having to deal with other people.
So just do what you can do.
I think if you make the decision
not to share anything with family,
then you need to be prepared
to manage comments that will be made,
because for some reason,
families are really bad
at minding their own business.
They can't help themselves but ask questions.
And it's couples who
are trying for their first child,
but also women experiencing
secondary infertility struggle
with the same issue.
They have a baby, but it's like,
"Well, when's the next baby arriving?"
So there's this constant pressure
that people keep asking personal questions.
So you can make some sort of
off the cuff comment like,
"Oh, I don't know why people
keep asking us that."
Or you can be a bit more avoidant and say,
change the topic,
ask them something about themselves.
Usually if you ask people
something about themselves,
they get quite distracted
so they'll get off your case a little bit.
Excuse yourself from the conversation.
"Oh, I've got to go and ask so and so a question,"
or, "I said I'd help out in the kitchen,"
or even, "I've got to go to the loo,"
anything to kind of get you out
of that awkward situation.
If you're going to a gathering that you think
will be particularly difficult,
talk to your partner about
a bit of a rescue signal.
So if you're stuck with the well-meaning auntie
who's always a busy body,
give them a wave so they can come over
and kind of interrupt and take you away.
You don't need to kind of
put yourself in that situation.
And also, you don't always have to go to things.
So don't isolate yourself entirely,
but maybe pick and choose
some of the family events that you go to.
And that's okay too.
Be aware that sometimes you'll feel like
you can cope better than other times.
So that will depend on
where you are in the treatment cycle,
how things are going for you,
what else is going on in your life.
If there's a lot of things going on
and you feel really stressed,
then maybe putting yourself
in that sort of situation
is not what you need.
But, if generally, things are going well
and you feel like you're in a good space,
then go along, have a few laughs,
and if it does get tricky,
feel free to excuse yourself
and head off for home.
If you're a patient here with us at IVFAustralia,
counseling is available
and it's free of charge
when you're doing treatment or post-treatment.
Particularly, if you're not sharing it
with anyone else in your life,
often, it's great to come in and offload
and get a few strategies on how to cope.
But also, I've had plenty of patients say
it's really nice to talk to someone
who they're not personally connected with
and they can just say exactly how they feel.
They don't have to protect
the other person's feelings,
they can really say it how it is
and get that bit of extra support.
I know a lot of people are mindful
that they don't want to keep kind of
talking to their friends and parents and family
because they feel like
they're kind of exhausting them.
It's often not the case,
but that's how we feel,
and we worry about people that we're close to.
So feel free to check in with us
if you need to at any point.
Thanks so much for joining us today.
And if you have any comments,
leave them, those questions,
and don't forget to subscribe to our channel
so you can keep up to date on all the news.
Thank you.
(gentle music)