14 year olds gotta be the laziest thing
ever created on this earth.
(audience laughing)
My son at 14 years old,
all he would do,
all he would do is sleep all day.
You have no idea
what's gonna happen.
I know what you're thinking.
"No, not my Mac.
"My Mac will grow up.
"He will respect his parents."
(audience laughing)
All he would do is sleep.
Like, he'd get home from school.
He'd take the nap on the couch
for two hours, three hours.
Saturday, he'd never leave his room.
He'd sleep all day.
I finally said to him, one day.
I said, Chad, why are you
so tired all the time?
This isn't right.
There's something wrong.
My God, I hope it's not
what I thought it was.
I hope it's not what
I'm thinking right now.
He goes,
"What are you thinking, Mom?"
I go, Are you doing the drugs?
"Mom! No, I'm not.
"Just a nap Mom, just a nap.
"You know how a nap
"wipes you out, Mom?"
No, I don't.
I haven't had a nap since 1986
(audience laughing)
and this was his vocabulary.
"What?"
I'd say, Chad, do me a favor.
Take the garbage
out to the dumpster,
before you go to school.
It would help me.
(audience laughing)
"What?"
(audience laughing)
The garbage it's tied up.
It's right by the door.
It just has to go the dumpster.
It would really helped me.
Thank you, Chad. I love you.
(audience laughing)
"What?"
(audience laughing)
The white bag. You see it right here?
I'm touching it. That's it.
I need you to pick this bag up,
carry it outside,
walk over to the dumpster,
dadadadah, put it in the dumpster,
let go.
(audience laughing)
go to school, without the bag,
go to school.
That would help me, Chad.
Thank you, I love you.
"What?"
(audience laughing)
I said, All right. Last time.
Pay attention. Pay attention.
The garbage,
I tied up for you
is by the door
dummy poop for brains
"What?"
and his room was disgusting.
Who's got that filthy teenager room
right now at the house?
You got that teenager, right?
How old is your teenager?
- [Audience Member] 14.
14,
so you got more time with this.
Do you clean the room?
I never cleaned his room.
I didn't go in there for five years.
(audience laughing)
There were things
growing in that room
by the time— it was disgusting.
Yeah, dirty clothes, everywhere,
filthy dirty dishes,
wrappers from Taco Bell,
and candy bars,
a couple of dead pets,
never found that ferret.
(audience laughing)
He finally moved out,
went off to college,
unbelievable.
Hey, how about those
mothers in Hollywood
that got in trouble for
bribing those colleges?
I am on those mothers' side.
Are you kidding?
What did they do wrong?
This is me at the Dean's office.
Let me get this straight, Dean.
I give you a check and
you take him for four years?
(audience laughing)
Give me the pen. Give me the pen.
(audience laughing)
I'd hock everything
I have to pay for that.
Are you kidding me?
Well, he finally went off to college.
My best friend came to the house.
She goes, "Oh my gosh Kathleen.
"You're going to miss him.
"It's your only baby.
"You're going to have that
"empty nest syndrome."
I said, No, I'm having
a party thrown at my house,
but I wanted to see his apartment.
I'm still the mom.
I'm protective.
I wanted to go see his apartment,
make sure it was safe, clean.
I drive all the way over there.
I knock on the door,
I open up the door.
I look, it's immaculate.
(audience laughing)
You know what said to me?
He goes, "Hey, Hey, Hey
"wipe your feet."
(audience laughing)
I said, The heck with you,
and I peed on his toilet seat.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Then I drank all his beer.
Then I borrowed his car,
and I brought it back with no gas.
(audience laughing)
Oh, was he mad.
He's like, "Mother,
"where did all my gas go?"
I said, What?
(audience laughing)