I just remember waking up and feeling different.
I decided to take a pregnancy test, and the first one I took
was positive.
And I didn't want to believe it, so I took a few more,
and the results were the same.
And I was so scared.
I grew up in a really strong family.
We went to church every Sunday, and some
of the standards that we teach are, don't have sex
before you're married, don't drink alcohol, avoid drugs.
When I left home for college, I questioned everything
that I was taught.
I honestly felt like this Church was
full of rules and restrictions, and that was my attitude.
I wanted to find out, well, why is this so bad?
I began drinking on the weekends,
and the weekends turned to a couple days a week.
And I met a guy at a party.
He was nice enough, and I didn't really
have anywhere else to go, so I decided to move in with him.
It took me a while to kind of realize what was happening
and realize that this was in fact my reality,
because I didn't want to believe it for a while.
And I felt so alone.
I didn't know how I was going to tell my family.
I didn't even know what they would think
or what they would say.
And I know they were already disappointed
in me and some of my decisions.
And I felt unworthy to pray.
I felt like, why would He want to listen to me now
after I had neglected Him?
But I did.
My first prayer changed it all for me,
and I burst into tears because that
was the first time I actually felt Him, felt my Savior,
felt my Heavenly Father.
My family just welcomed me with open arms.
It was actually really overwhelming.
I felt like I was unworthy for that love,
but it was exactly what I needed.
Eventually I got excited.
I got excited to be a mom, but there was always something
in the back of my mind.
The thought of not being able to give her
a big family like I was raised in was really hard for me.
Through a lot of prayer and sleepless nights
and a lot of tears, I finally came to the decision
to place her for adoption.
I was so overwhelmed with this next decision
of finding her family, and I felt like I was praying 24/7.
The second I saw this family's blog,
I just fell in love with them.
I just felt at peace.
When I finally went into labor, I thought I was prepared.
I thought, "OK, I made this decision.
I've grieved.
This will be OK.
I'll be OK."
It was like I had to make this decision
to place my little girl for adoption
all over again, because it was real, because I could see her,
I was holding her.
I could just envision her potential.
I got a glimpse, just a small glimpse
at how much love God has for me, God has for my little girl,
that God has for every single one of us.
I never understood love till then.
That night I remember thinking about all the decisions
that led up to this day and thinking, "How am I
going to move forward in life?
How am I supposed to move on without her?
How am I supposed to leave this hospital empty-handed?"
I didn't think it was possible, and I pleaded with God.
I was begging God.
And I remember asking my dad for a father's blessing.
I don't remember what was said in that prayer,
but I honestly felt God's arms around me,
and I knew that the only way that I could
move forward and continue with the decision I made
was with Him and His help.
The next morning, on Christmas Eve,
was when I signed my parental rights away.
I wanted her to look really pretty.
I picked out an outfit for her, and there's
this shirt I bought her that said "Best Gift Ever."
Then I woke up Christmas morning, and she wasn't there.
I couldn't look down and feel her.
I couldn't go check on her. 94 00:04:50,856 --> 00:04:50,330
Despite everything that I have gone through,
I've realized how blessed I am and how much
love God has for everybody, including me.
You can either become bitter, or you
can become better through God.
Through the grace of God, I've been
able to forgive myself of my mistakes and be happy now
and really have hope for my future
and for the future of my little girl.
It's incredible.