-Our first guest tonight is an Emmy Award-winning
writer and comedian, whose critically acclaimed
show, "Curb Your Enthusiasm,"
returns for its 12th and final season this Sunday,
February 4th, at 10:00 p.m. on HBO
and streaming on Max.
Please welcome back to the show our friend
Larry David, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Welcome back. -Really? The drums?
Is that that hard? You don't think I could do that?
-You think you could do the drums?
-What is -- Come on. You don't think I could do that?
-I don't. -Absolutely, I could do it.
-Okay. -Alright, start something up.
Go ahead. I'll do it on...
-Oh, you're gonna do it here? -No, no, no, no. Not you.
I'm taking your spot. Okay. -Oh, you want the band --
-No, the band start something up.
-Okay, the band do it. Everybody but Colleen.
-Oh, yeah. Go ahead. ♪♪
Ow! -Can I tell you, by the way?
Even if it was just as good as her, which it wasn't,
I wouldn't have you here from the face you made.
-[ Laughs ]
-The face you made, even if it was great drumming,
would not be acceptable in the studio.
-Well, you have to admit... [ Laughs ]
-There was a large gap
between how good your face thought you were doing.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, you have to make a face, don't you?
-You got to make a face. -You have to make a face, right?
-You got to make a face. -You got to make a face.
-Got to make a face. -You got to make a face.
Alright, look at her already having your back.
You tried to take her job.
-Okay, maybe I couldn't drum, okay?
-Yeah.
-That seems a little complicated.
There's a lot of things there.
I don't know what they all are for.
-Yeah.
-Do you really need all those things?
-Okay. My God. -Yeah. Huh?
-But... -But...
-...the bongos I know I could do.
-100%. -Come on.
-No respect for the bongos. -No respect.
Zero respect for the bongos. -Yeah. Almost less.
If somebody -- Again, I would -- Assuming --
I think that you probably turn
a lot of people away at your door,
but if somebody showed up to a party, bongos under their arm,
no matter who their plus-one is --
-No chance. No chance. -No chance.
-Yeah, no chance. What do you do with the bongos?
-Yeah. We have bongos.
We have a set of bongos for the kids,
because that's what it's for.
-Yeah.
-It would be like an adult doing blocks.
You're like, "I'm not impressed."
-Yeah, exactly. Yeah. -This is kid stuff.
-By the way, if somebody shows up with a guitar...
-Oh, God. -...no, get out, get out.
I don't want that. -Music in my home -- ugh.
-No, they're just going to take --
They take all the attention, the musicians, you know?
It's not fair. It's not right. It's not right.
-And I'll tell you, with that said,
there's a worst version of that,
which is the guitarist who wants to make eye contact.
-Oh, while they're playing. -Oh, yeah.
They want to let you know. -Yeah.
-Yeah. Ugh! -"I'm really cool." Yeah.
-So, last season. -Yes. Yes.
[ Audience "Awws" ] -A little weird.
-Huh? -A little weird.
-Weird? What do you mean weird? Why is it weird?
-Well, it's just a little weird, because a couple of years ago,
you were here, and we were talking.
We did a sketch together,
and you said, "You're really good at this.
You should come and do an episode of 'Curb.'"
A little weird. [ Laughter ]
-I lied. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
-Yeah. I lied. I'm a pathological liar.
Come on. -But you know what?
I don't blame myself, because in this story,
I didn't say, "I'd love to come do an episode of 'Curb.'"
I didn't put you on the spot. You reached out to me.
You could have just said nothing.
-Yeah, yeah.
The thing about it, okay?
The thing about it -- I don't see you as an actor.
-Yeah. -You know?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -I mean, you did "SNL," okay?
-Yeah. -But you didn't act on the show.
You did the news. You did the news.
-Yeah, okay. -Okay?
I didn't see you in one sketch. Not one sketch.
-I was in a few. -Were you in a few sketches?
I don't -- They weren't memorable.
I don't remember one. -Yeah, that's true.
-Did you have any funny characters that you did?
You didn't do a funny character.
-They were more sort of verbal sketches.
-Oh, okay. Yeah.
-They were writerly. People like those, right?
-Yeah, yeah. Okay.
But, anyway, I didn't see enough...
-Yeah, okay.
-...that I would entrust you with my precious material.
Yeah.
-Well, it is very -- It's still very lovely
to have you in New York City.
Do you have plans while you're here?
Are you gonna see people? See friends?
-You know what? -Yeah.
-I'm going to see Susie Essman. -Oh, we love Susie.
We've had her here. Give her...
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
I'm going to the basketball game with her.
-Oh, very good. Well, please give her my regards.
-What are you? Nuts?
Give her your regards? -What's wrong with that?
-I'm going to give -- Well, I'm going to go up and say,
"Seth gave his regards"?
-You don't just -- You don't have to use the word "regards."
It's an umbrella term.
-Yeah. Yeah. You're using me, okay?
You're using me because you don't want to text her.
You don't want to reach out.
So, "Oh, Seth gives his regards."
I'm like, you're outsourcing your friendship to me, you know?
-If you ever -- I would happily give regards.
You could use me as a regards vessel.
-I would never tell somebody, "Oh, give my regards,
because it's all -- That's bull[bleep]
-Okay. -Regards.
-So you're saying if I was like, "Oh, I'm going to go see
Fred Armisen later for dinner," what would you say?
-I wouldn't say -- I would say have fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Applause ]
You're like, "Oh, say hello for me," okay?
How stupid is that? Say hello yourself, Seth, okay?
-Alright, point taken.
-Pick up the phone or send her a text.
-Okay. -Which you won't do.
-Why?
-Because you don't want to get --
You don't want to get that close.
-Yeah.
-You want to know somebody's thinking about you
without doing it.
-I did -- Now that you say it, I did want you as a buffer.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.
-Alright. Okay.
-Alright, you got me dead to rights.
-I got you.
Let me ask you something, okay? -Yeah.
-Can I ask you something? -Yeah, turn the tables.
-Okay. So, I got --
My hamstring's a little tight, you know?
And some guy says, "Hey, I got this stretcher," okay?
"I got a stretcher. He'll come to your house."
-Oh, so like a trainer, but --
-A trainer, but he stretches you.
-Okay, got it.
-And I thought that might be good for my hamstring,
which is bothering me. -Sounds good.
-So, the stretcher comes to the house.
I want to get your opinion on this.
-Okay.
-He stretches me because he's a stretcher.
-Yeah. And about how long of stretching?
-I'm stretching for 20, 25 minutes.
-Okay. A lot of stretching.
-Working on the hamstring, stretching, and some,
you know, manipulation and everything.
And then he says, "Stand up and walk around.
Stand up and walk around." -Yeah.
See the results. Road-test it. -So, I stand up.
I walk around. And he says, "How's it feel?"
And I go, "Exactly the same."
I go, "No change whatsoever."
Oh, my God.
You should have seen this guy's face.
He was crestfallen, okay? -Yeah.
-Crestfallen. -He's a professional stretcher.
-Yeah. He doesn't say a word for the rest of the session.
Does another 10 minutes, leaves,
doesn't even say goodbye, okay?
Just leaves.
I felt a little better a few days later.
I called him for another stretching session.
Did not pick up the phone. Did not return my call.
-Really? -Yeah.
-That offended? -Yes, that offended.
So, let me ask you a question.
If you were in my position and some guy says, "Walk around,"
are you going to say that it feels better?
Are you going to lie?
-I'm going to lie, and I wish I could be you.
I'm going to lie and then I'm gonna keep paying,
because I bet -- I'm going to tell you this.
I bet stretching in L.A. doesn't come cheap.
-Oh, no. No, it's an expensive stretch.
-It's an expensive stretch, so I would be throwing,
you know, a good stretch money away at bad
because I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.
So I'm glad you did what you did and stood up for us.
-Well, I didn't see the point in him
going through the rest of his life
thinking that everybody he works on is helped immediately,
because it was nonsense. -Yeah.
-Alright, let me ask you another one, okay?
-Okay, good.
-You know I have a lot of emotional problems.
-Of course. I think we've seen six of them?
-So, I was talking to this therapist.
-Okay. -And I was talking.
I was -- You know, I'm kind of getting emotional.
I'm pouring my guts out. And I used the word "scourge."
-Yeah. -Okay? I say "scorge."
-Yeah. -And he corrects me.
He says, "No, no. That's scourge."
Are you kidding me? What?
You're correcting my pronunciation?
You couldn't wait till it was over, as I was leaving.
How could I ever see this person again? Would you?
Would you ever see a therapist who corrected pronunciation?
-I can't believe you're telling me these two stories.
In this story, you're the stretcher, you realize.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He -- That therapist is like, "I can't let him walk around
the rest of his life saying, 'scorge.'"
He tried to do you a favor.
-You're -- You're right! I'm the stretcher!
-I have more with Larry right after this.