it can be tough raising a teenage
daughter in the modern world every
father worries when he first sees his
daughter off to a party or to hang out
with a boy or to see a Justin Bieber
concert
but beyond the obvious threats of
alcohol promiscuity and pop music your
little girl could be facing hidden
dangers that you don't even know about
the dangers of the occult yes at this
very moment your daughter could be
consorting with the devil himself and
this isn't your run-of-the-mill
witchcraft either it's dangerously hip
and with-it
they call themselves magical girls and
across the globe countless families are
being figuratively torn apart by their
lies their truancy and their misguided
use of the dark arts
some families have also been literally
torn apart by monsters is your precious
little princess a magical girl it's high
time you learned to spot the signs the
obvious ones won't do here if your
daughter is spending a lot of time out
at night without telling you where she's
going she could very well be fighting
monsters but she could just as easily be
studying with her friends or smoking or
mercilessly bullying her ugly classmates
how can you know if this is just
wholesome youthful hijinks or something
you should be really worried about start
by talking to her teachers has she been
skipping class or taking an inordinate
number of suspiciously long bathroom
breaks right after looking out the
window and gasping loudly does she have
a renewed interest in stuffed animals is
she frequently seen whispering to or
staring at her knapsack or the inside of
her desk
speaking of desks is she sitting at this
exact one don't just look at your
daughter though the witchcraft of
magical girls can have far-reaching
consequences if random people around her
school are disappearing or having severe
emotional outbursts on a roughly weekly
basis that sub
resolved themselves overnight that could
be a sign of magical girl activity or it
could just be a local drug cartel or
group of Y and arrays this will require
further investigation magical girls
often work in teams not unlike the
witches covens of the old days so you
need to look closely at the friends your
daughter keeps do they look like normal
middle schoolers to you if they all have
their hair dyed in different primary
colors with different hairstyles there's
a good chance they're magical girls but
don't think your daughter is safe just
because she has wholesome brown or black
hair she could simply be a regular
friend that the magical girls keep
around to seem more normal but magical
girls can use their insidious powers to
change their appearances so even if your
daughter and all of her friends look
normal they could just be fooling you so
you need to look even more closely in
the last few months has your daughter
suddenly acquired between two and four
new friends from different schools one
of whom is exactly half the size of the
rest of them are these girls so wildly
different from one another that the only
explanation for their friendship is that
they were trying to ensure that any
outside observer as determined by a
focus group could easily relate to at
least one of them these are the
tell-tale signs of a magical girl team
you should be doubly worried if your
daughter has suddenly stopped caring
about her normal plain looking friends
and if she never had any other friends
to begin with you have my condolences
there's a good chance that she's a
secondary magical girl which means that
she will definitely die at some point in
the near future especially if she has
blue hair although depending on the
circumstances she may also come back to
life the art of necromancy is not
outside the realm of these girls wicked
magic it's also important to look at
your daughter's male friends if she has
more than two of them congratulations
your daughter definitely isn't a magical
girl but if she spends a lot of time
with one oddly handsome guy who's
several years older than her that
totally normal and not at all creepy
scenario is a
chillie a clear sign that your daughter
is mixed up with the dark arts or aliens
maybe yes the only conceivable reason
that an older man could possibly be
hanging around your daughter is that
they have a predestined connection edged
into fate by magical or alien or maybe
robot beings ages ago
in all likelihood this handsome boy is
your town's mysterious masked vigilante
and once he and your daughter awaken to
memories of their past lives or whatever
there's no turning back for them
so what can you do before it's too late
you definitely shouldn't directly ask
your daughter what's going on in her
life this will only cause her to have a
sudden bout of absurd clumsiness and
destroy some of your furniture as she
fumbles for an excuse
you must come to her with answers not
questions if you do it may be possible
to simply talk your daughter down and
explain to her that even if she does
have magical powers she's a lot better
off reporting any monster she sees to
the police and getting on with her day
but to do that you first need to
confront her with hard evidence and to
get that you need to get into her room
this can be as simple as sneaking in
while she's away from school but be
careful with this approach as the rooms
of magical girls are frequently being
watched you can gain access while she's
at home under the pretense of bringing
her a hearty snack and a cup of hot
chocolate once inside you need only look
around and see if you can find any
stuffed animals you don't remember
buying for her the stuffed animal is the
key the next time you enter her room it
will likely be in a different place than
it was before that's because this is not
actually an innocent plush toy at all
but rather the magical familiar or
mascot that got your daughter into this
mess in the first place if everything so
far has proven true you now have but one
goal to catch this toy as it moves to do
this simply walk in and out of your
daughter's room under the pretense of
doing chores or if you feel particularly
bold toss it in with a load of laundry
it may take several attempts to break
the creatures will but it can be done
once you've caught the little devil
you'll be
to get it talking and as an adult with a
modicum of common sense you should be
able to easily see through its cutesy
adorable lies within a few minutes of
talking you'll be able to determine
whether your daughter is simply helping
a friendly alien save the world from
monsters or if she's entered into a
Faustian power bargain with an elder god
if you're lucky it will be the former
and your daughter will probably listen
to reason
even if she doesn't quit you can at
least help her by directing her to
another video in this series you're
transforming body and you unfortunately
the tricky soul-destroying kinds of
magical girl contracts are all the rage
these days because the creature is
planning these things all apparently
think that they're very clever and
nobody else has ever thought of the idea
before if this is the case your daughter
is probably doomed she'll either die or
have her mind shattered or she'll be
forced to kill every other magical girl
to survive and while you and your trusty
shotgun can help her with the latter
problem in every other scenario you have
but one hope
if common-sense won't solve the problem
money will if your daughter is about to
be taught a poetic lesson about not
trusting the forces of darkness you must
turn to the darkest force of all the
Internet
start by posting about her on social
media then begin printing t-shirts with
her face on them create plastic
figurines based on her and her friends
if you sell enough of these the sinister
creatures to which your daughter has
sold her soul may suddenly change their
evil plans for her so that instead of
reaching that final point where the
world ends or she dies she just keeps
going on her increasingly profitable
adventures forever in a sort of
purgatory state where everything is kind
of crappy you may find this distasteful
but it's the only way to save your
little girl's life remember the real
magic is merchandising also remember to
order your merchandise from American
manufacturers and not from heathen
communist nations like China Canada or
Japan this video was brought to you by
the North American Council of figurine
producers in association with His
Holiness the
poke
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