(upbeat music)
- [Host] Welcome to Set List Live
at NerdMelt, Los Angeles!
(applause)
Tonight's comedians are coming up
without a set list.
We are going to give them a set list
and they are going to improvise the
routine that goes along with it
out of complete and total thin air
with nothing to protect them but
their fragile egos.
Right here, before your very eyes,
ladies and gentlemen, leaping into
the comedy events.
(applause)
- [Eddie] I just want to say what's going on
with me, I have a new dog, Charlotte.
She's a terrier corgi and she kisses me
and it's pretty good.
I'm making great progress with my therapist,
as far as vulnerability,
and that's what's kinda the update.
(applause)
- [Host] Will you welcome the never before seen
checklist, Eddie Pepperzone.
(applause)
(Laughter)
- [Eddie] You know, I've stopped fishing,
I've stopped fishing, and I'll tell you why.
These mother fucking fish, none of them give you credit.
(Laughter)
No, none of them!
They're all like just flopping around
in sense that you've put a medal hook in them.
(Laughter)
They're all fucking in sense that you've come
into their habitat, god for-fucking-bid,
oh this our reef, this is our way of life.
It's always a middle finger from the bass
that's bleeding in your bowl.
(laughter and applause)
Anybody show me a flounder who really
cares about you, I'd like to know about it.
The only fucking thing the marine life
that has the decency to say thank you for
baking me, or fucking putting me
on a half shell, is the clam.
(yelling)
They give you complicit approval.
(laughter)
Try it. See if I'm not kidding.
(laughter)
There are so many sea bass out there
who are guilt binders.
Oh, oh, oh.
(laughter)
We're over fishing the ocean you human race.
(laughter)
Hey, take a easy.
(laughter)
We've all liked the flan.
(applause)
(laughter)
Look.
I like to walk dogs.
(laughter)
I like to walk dogs like the next guy.
I like to coexist with dogs.
I love animals, in general.
I'm a vegan.
(laughter)
Laugh if you will but I am and
that's why the last tirade about
the fish was funny to me because I actually
feel the opposite and those of you who
are preceptive will realize that was the viewpoint
(laughter)
Of that bid about the clam.
But there is a little perversion I have
when it comes to animals.
I like to see them injured.
(laughter)
I like when they are injured!
(laughter)
Alright?
Being a vegan doesn't mean
that you wouldn't mind if a cow
has a fucking bad knee.
(laughter)
Or if a deer,
If a deer
(laughter)
I just heard someone say oh my god!
(laughter)
You try this shit.
(laughter)
(yelling from crowd)
You try.
I mean what I'm saying is that if a cat
has to use a skateboard
to get around
or if a turtle has it's head propped up
with a brace of some sort,
(laughter)
then I want that animal.
I want that animal to be a part of my life
because one, I like a challenge.
Two, the injured, whether its human or a pet,
make me feel better that I am not injured
currently. I do get injured a lot
but currently I am not.
(laughter)
And three, it's fun to see
creatures in the stress in a sluggish econ.
(laughter)
I don't even know what that means.
(laughter and applause)
But you'll notice a theme in my work
is the economy is sluggish.
(laughter)
Alright.
(laughter and applause)
Why does Wednesday
and Friday
always get the most play
of the days of the week?
You know, you can blow me if you're
saying Wednesday is hump day.
Okay?
Because as far as I know, because of
the economy nobody works a nine
to five job anymore, okay?
People are working all kinds of crazy
fucking hours, the economy has hit the shitter.
Yes, hipsters.
People are hustling all over the place.
There is no hump day and there is no
Thank God It's Friday
for people who work around the clock.
The only thing there is, is trap door,
operation trapped door Tuesday!
(laughter and applause)
Which is when you're working your horrific
fifth out of sixth job to keep your
fucking head above water on Tuesday.
There is a way you can get out
of your fucking job.
And it is done through the help of
the one labor union left.
(laughter)
And they have arranged a trap door where poor
fucks are working 90 hours a week
and go down, and only on a Tuesday,
and they go down the trap door
and their face to face with the beautiful
comfortable room.
Which is what everybody wants.
(laughter)
That's what you just get to drop into
a beautiful comfortable room and no ones yelling
at you, demanding shit, no sick kids around you.
(laughter)
Nobody's got any kind of fucking disease.
It's just a beautiful comfortable room
and there's nice liquids.
(laughter)
Trap door Tuesday.
(applause and yelling)
Already, okay, yes.
Yes.
I'm glad this is a topic.
Look the violence in this fucking
God forsaken country is not gonna stop it.
I'll tell you why and you already know why
but guns are all over the fucking place.
The United States is the biggest manufacture
of weapons on the planet and distributor
of weapons on the planet because
it's all about making money.
So the shootings are not gonna stop.
The shootings are not gonna stop.
What I would like to see,
if you shoot up
50 people
have the decency, before you kill yourself,
to say I'm sorry.
(laughter)
And that's going to affect a lot
of future shootings.
(laughter)
And the reason I'm laughing now
is because I realize this is not that funny.
(laughter)
And it's the chance you take.
When you walk a tight wire like me,
I'm the Philippe Petit of comedy.
(laughter)
The guy who walked between the twig towers.
Oh, is he too soon? Anyway.
(laughter)
We should have apologizes no matter what we shoot.
If we shoot off our penises,
(laughter)
I like that didn't curse there, huh.
I could of called it a cock instead I was
like Eddie, gently go into shooting off the penis.
(laughter)
My friends tell me I use profanity as a crunch.
And I tell them go fuck yourselves.
(laughter)
Thank you everybody.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
Afraid to know what it means to be like you.
(laughter)
- [Host] Eddie, you are on fire tonight. How's it feel?
- [Eddie] No I wasn't really on fire but.
- [Host] Hey Eddie, you'll get them next time,
okay?
(laughter)
(upbeat music)