LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE
WORLD TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'M COMING TO YOU FROM THE DANK,
GROOVED-OUT WONDER-PLANET KNOWN AS "CHILLAXIA,"
BECAUSE TODAY IS 4/20! SO SPARK IT UP, MY BONG BROS!
OR, MORE ACCURATELY, CONTINUE TAKING THAT 5 MILLIGRAM
GUMMY RIGHT BEFORE YOU SLEEP. KEEP YOU OUT.
AS ALWAYS, THE LATE SHOW'S 4/20 COVERAGE IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY TACO BELL. TACO BELL:
WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE HIGH.
OF COURSE, ALL THE WAY-GONE CATS IN MY AUDIENCE ARE HEP
TO THE DOOBAGE. THESE PEOPLE JUST SPENT AN HOUR
IN TIMES SQUARE OUTSIDE A DRAGON-THEMED QUASI-LEGAL
POT DISPENSARY. IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE. SO THEY ARE FEELING GOOD.
OR INCREASINGLY ANXIOUS. ONE RECENT STUDY ABOUT THE
WEED PROBABLY DOES NOT MAKE YOU MORE CREATIVE.
REALLY? NOT CREATIVE?
TELL THAT TO THE FRESHMAN WHO'S HOME FOR BREAK AND FORGOT
THEIR BOWL. HE'S GONNA FIND A WAY TO MAKE
A BONG OUT OF A GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
SPEAKING OF LIGHTING UP AND BURNING DOWN,
TODAY, ELON MUSK'S SPACEX LAUNCHED THE MOST POWERFUL
STARSHIP AND SUPER HEAVY BOOSTER ROCKET.
JUST SHOWS WHAT SCIENTISTS CAN ACHIEVE WHEN THEY PUT
THEIR MINDS TO A COMMON GOAL: COMPENSATING FOR ELON MUSK'S
PENIS. WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK.
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, LET ME EMPHASIZE
"UN-MANNED" LAUNCH. THERE IT IS, ALL SYSTEMS
NOMINAL. IT'S CLEARED THE LAUNCH PAD.
OKAY, TIME FOR THE BOOSTER TO SEPARATE AND...
OH! HOUSTON, WE HAVE A METAPHOR
FOR TWITTER! YOU KNOW, I WANTED IT TO GO.
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT MY PILLOW CEO MIKE LINDELL.
>> [BOOING] >> Stephen: SEEN HERE GETTING
A SWIFT KICK IN THE DUST RUFFLE.
A COUPLE YEARS BACK, INDELL TRIED TO PROVE HIS KOOKY 2020
ELECTION CONSPIRACIES AT SOME SYMPOSIUM,
CLAIMING HE HAD DATA SHOWING CHINESE INTERFERENCE AND SAYING
HE WOULD PAY $5 MILLION TO ANYONE WHO COULD PROVE THE
MATERIAL WAS NOT FROM THE 2020 ELECTION, ALL IN AN OFFICIAL
CONTEST CALLED "PROVE MIKE WRONG."
IT WAS THE EASIEST MAGA CONTEST SINCE "PROVE RUDY DRIPPY"
AND "PROVE ERIC SAD INSIDE!" WELL, NO SURPRISE, ONE OF THE
CONFERENCE ATTENDEES PROVED MIKE WRONG, AND NOW LINDELL
HAS BEEN ORDERED TO PAY $5 MILLION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] POOR MIKE.
BETWEEN THIS AND THE BILLION DOLLAR DOMINION LAWSUIT, HOW'S
HE GOING TO COME UP WITH THE CASH?
"LOOK. I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SELL MY
MOST PRECIOUS MY PILLOW OF ALL: MY MY PILLOW.
LAST NIGHT WAS OUR FINAL EMBRACE.
SHE ABSORBED MY TEARS WITH GRACE AND SENSUALITY, AS WELL AS
MY DROOL AND A LITTLE MUSTACHE FUNK.
GOODBYE, MY MY DARLING. MIKE'S GOING BACK TO WHAT
HE USED TO SLEEP ON: A GARBAGE BAG FULL
OF DAY-OLD HOT DOG BUNS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOT A BAD LOOK. CAPTAIN LIONEL.
I LIKE IT. THE MAN WHO PROVED MIKE WRONG
IS A COMPUTER FORENSICS EXPERT WHO EXAMINED LINDELL'S DATA
AND FOUND THAT IT CONTAINED NO ELECTION FRAUD PROOF AT ALL.
SPECIFICALLY, HIS LAWYER SAID THE DATA CONTAINED
"NO RECOGNIZABLE DATA IN ANY KNOWN DATA FORMAT."
THAT'S NOT EASY, TO HAVE YOUR DATA CONTAIN NO DATA.
AND IT'S A BIT OF A RED FLAG. IT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S SLOGAN WAS
"ARBY'S: WE HAVE THE MEATS" WITH NO RECOGNIZABLE MEAT
IN ANY KNOWN MEAT FORMAT." IN LESS IMPORTANT LEGAL NEWS,
THE SUPREME COURT. PREVIOUSLY ON OUR JUSTICE
SYSTEM, YOU'LL RECALL, A TEXAS JUDGE BANNED THE
ABORTION DRUG MIFEPRISTONE. AN APPEALS COURT IN LOUISIANA
STRUCK DOWN THAT RULING, BUT SAID THAT SOME FDA APPROVALS
SHOULD BE HALTED, INCLUDING PERMISSIONS TO SEND THE PILLS
BY MAIL. I MEAN, IT'S 2023.
EVERYBODY GETS THEIR MEDICATION THROUGH THE MAIL.
THE ONLY REASON TO GO T CVS IS TO SHOPLIFT.
IN THE SEASONAL AISLE. THE CASE WAS APPEALED BY THE
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO THE SUPREME COURT.
THE SUPREMES WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DECIDED IT BY NOW,
BUT YESTERDAY, SAM ALITO ANNOUNCED THAT THE SUPREME COURT
WAS DELAYING ITS DECISION UNTIL FRIDAY.
WELL, THEY HAD TO. CLARENCE THOMAS WAS TAKING
A VACAY ON HARLAN CROW'S YACHT, THE S.S. "NOT A BRIBE."
IT'S NOT A BRIBE. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE.
HOW COULD IT BE A BRIBE? ALITO PROMISES THE COURT WILL
RELEASE THEIR DECISION BY FRIDAY AT 11:59 P.M.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY THE TIME YOU RELEASE DECISIONS YOU KNOW
ARE GOING TO BE SUPER POPULAR. I'M GOING TO STAY UP LATE
AND WATCH IT ON RYAN SEACREST'S HANDMAID'S ROCKIN' EVE.
WE MISS YOU, DICK CLARK. WHATEVER THE COURT DECIDES,
THESE EXTREMELY UNPOPULAR POSITIONS ARE NOT HELPING
REPUBLICANS LIKE FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND CHIMP TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT THE WORDLE, RON DeSANTIS.
BANANA? NO B, NO N, NO A.
BANANA? DeSANTIS IS NOT ONLY LOSING
SUPPORT, HE'S GETTING PUBLICLY HUMILIATED.
THIS WEEK, HE WENT UP TO CAPITOL HILL TO TRY AND GET REPUBLICAN
LAWMAKERS TO ENDORSE HIM. THE DeSANTIS CHARM WORKED ITS
MAGIC RIGHT AWAY, AS YOU CAN TELL BY THIS TWEET
FROM TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE LANCE GOODEN.
"TODAY, AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION AND A POSITIVE
MEETING WITH GOVERNOR DeSANTIS, I HAVE DECIDED TO ENDORSE
THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOR 2024." OH!
DAMN! RON!
ARE YOU A HISTORY BOOK IN FLORIDA?
'CAUSE YOU JUST GOT BURNED! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WOW. BOOM.
DeSANTIS CONTINUES TO MAINTAIN HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISE TO BE 100%
UNLIKEABLE, BECAUSE, AT HIS REQUEST, YESTERDAY, FLORIDA
EXPANDED THEIR "DON'T SAY GAY" POLICY THROUGH 12TH GRADE.
THIS EXPANSION OF INTOLERANCE BANS LESSONS ON SEXUAL
ORIENTATION AND GENDER IDENTITY UNLESS REQUIRED BY EXISTING
STATE STANDARDS OR AS PART OF REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH INSTRUCTION.
THAT MEANS THE ONLY PLACE STUDENTS CAN DISCUSS THESE
TOPICS WOULD BE SEX ED. "ALL RIGHT, KIDS, NOW I KNOW
YOU HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS. LIKE, WHAT IS SEX?
WHY DO I HAVE THIS BANANA IN FRONT OF ME?
ARE BANANAS PART OF SEX? IS FRUIT SALAD AN ORGY?
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY. ALL THOSE QUESTIONS WILL BE
ANSWERED BY ME, YOUR ANGRIEST GYM TEACHER."
BANANA? DeSANTIS IS ALSO RAMPING UP HIS
FIGHT WITH THE FOLKS AT DISNEY. A FEW MONTHS AGO, HE APPOINTED
A SPECIAL BOARD TO TAKE OVER THE GOVERNANCE OF THE LAND
DISNEYWORLD SITS ON. DISNEY SAID,
"HOLD MY $18 SOUVENIR CUP," AND STAGED A COUP THAT TOOK AWAY
ALL THE BOARD'S POWER. NOW DeSANTIS IS THREATENING TO
BUILD A STATE PRISON OR SOMETHING ABOUT AFFORDABLE
HOUSING. IT'S KIND OF VAGUE.
BUT THERE'S ANOTHER OPTION FOR THE MAGIC KINGDOM:
THEY CAN LEAVE FLORIDA. THAT IDEA IS GETTING A BOOST
BECAUSE A NORTH CAROLINA LAWMAKER HAS FILED A BILL TO
LURE DISNEY WORLD TO NORTH CAROLINA CALLED THE "MICKEY'S
FREEDOM RESTORATION ACT." [CHEERING]
I LOVE IT. I LOVE HOW STUPID EVERYTHING IS.
WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS THE TITLE OF THE MOST BORING DISNEY
MOVIE, RIGHT AFTER "STEAMBOAT WILLIE FAMILIARIZES
HIMSELF WITH MARITIME LAW." IF PASSED, THE NORTH CAROLINA
BILL WOULD GRANT $750,000 TO EXPLORE THE POSSIBILITY OF
LURING DISNEY ACROSS STATE LINES.
I COULD LURE DISNEY WORLD TO NEW YORK FOR A FRACTION
OF THAT. DISNEY, MEET ME AT THE
MAGIC CAM-DOM. OKAY, HEAR ME OUT.
HEAR ME OUT, DISNEY. NEW YORK IS THE PERFECT PLACE
FOR DISNEY. THE SUBWAY IS BASICALLY A
URINE-SOAKED SPACE MOUNTAIN. SO TECHNICALLY IT'S ALSO SPLASH
MOUNTAIN. WE'VE GOT TONS OF TOURISTS,
OUR FOOD'S ALREADY OVER-PRICED, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE RODENTS
HERE HAVE LEARNED TO WALK UPRIGHT AND SIGN AUTOGRAPHS.
THINK ABOUT IT. THINK ABOUT IT.
[CHEERING] WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT MY GUESTS ARE RACHEL WEISZ
AND I'M COOKING WITH DANNY TREJO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!