- [Announcer] Future Puppet News,
finally news from a source you can trust,
puppets from the year 3000.
With help from their senior time machine,
they'll uncover history's most mysterious mysteries.
Traveling through space and time
for that hot, historical scoop.
Get ready for cold hard facts from warm, squishy puppets.
Winner of the Squishiest News Team Award
by Felt Magazine five years running,
Future Puppet News,
broadcasting the puppet past from the future.
- The ongoing puppet refugee crisis continues as,
continues as the League of Puppet Nations
refuses to ratify an account.
Can I help you with something?
- Ha ha!
Great story, Francis.
That brings us to the real scoop!
We're minutes away from announcing tonight's
mega-money puppetball lottery numbers!
- Hello, Jeffrey here.
- Let's go, baby! - Papa needs a new cod piece.
- Whoa, you all sure are excited.
- Would I have sold my condo to
buy these tickets if I wasn't excited?
- You sold your condo?
- Anyway,
first we're bringing you a message from tonight's sponsor.
I understand it's something known as a commercal.
Enjoy!
- Tired of useless piles of old gold weighing you down?
Fed up with glaring gold frames
distracting you from pretentious modern art?
Sick of gold up your wazoo?
Well, if you're all of these and more,
then I'm the puppet for you.
I'm Ponzi Madoff!
Founder and PEO of Big Money, Inc.,
and I'm here to buy all that dusty, worthless
garbage-y gold that you've got
cluttering up your parent's wallets and fingers.
If it's a precious family heirloom
or a priceless piece of world culture,
we'll give you less than the material cost
of its components or my name isn't Ponzi Madoff!
We also buy leftover diamonds and used money.
- [Announcer] Warning, side effects may include
poverty and sadness.
- And don't forget to watch tonight's
mega-money puppetball lotto brought
to you by Big Money, Inc.!
- When I win, I'm gonna buy the station,
and make myself an anchor. - Ugh.
- I'm going to buy a supercomputer for my pet tarantula.
And Mr. Fuzzy-Fingers isn't sharing.
- When I win, I'm gonna buy Hamblin's childhood home,
and burn it to the ground.
- Huh, huh, my parents still live there.
- My plan remains unchanged.
- What? - Whoa, whoa.
Aren't you guys getting a little wrapped up
in this lottery thing?
I mean, Big Money, Inc.?
That seems pretty shady.
- Didn't you hear the jingle, Francis?
They're not evil.
♪ We're not evil, Francis ♪
Whoa!
- It's obvious something more is happening here.
I think you're all being blinded by greed.
- Please.
I think you're confusing greed with one of the most
important American traits,
ambition.
And to prove it, why don't I take us back
to one of the greatest moments in American history
where fortunes were made by brave men
forging their futures in the Old West.
The California Gold Rush.
- You know what, Chip?
I think that's a great idea.
- All right, Big Money.
No whammies!
- Ouchie!
Don't press your luck!
- I'm here at Sutter's Mill, January 24th, 1848,
in what was then the Mexican Territory of Alta, California,
where carpenter James Wilson arshall's about to find--
- Holy whoopsie! - -gold!
Flakes of gold in the American River.
A moment that would change the country forever.
- [James] Gold!
- Classic American ambition and hard work paid off.
Just like the lottery.
Later that year, president James Polk spread the word,
confirming the discovery before congress.
And with that, the Gold Rush was on.
- Yeah!
- That's right, Chip.
Throughout 1849, thousands of people
from all over the United States
rushed West in a flurry of excitement.
And on a quest for fortune!
In fact, this is where the term forty-niners comes from.
Yeah!
Oh, here they come now.
Aagh!
In fact, migrants came from all over,
with many gold-seeking immigrants
coming from as far away as China,
who called California gum sam, or gold mountain.
But I'm sure they walked
much more gently.
Oh, butterscotch, aagh!
Ugh, eh,
ah, anyway.
In March of 1848,
there were only around 800 non-native Californians.
But by the end of 1849, there were 100,000.
Uh!
- All those newcomers meant that
ports in cities like San Francisco
were filled to the brim with ships.
But, in an unexpected twist, frequently devoid of sailors,
who abandoned their posts to wander ashore
in search of gold.
And I can see why!
But the people of San Francisco
just turned this into another opportunity,
converting the abandoned vessels into
taverns, schools, and storehouses.
This kind of ingenuity,
combined with the massive increase in revenue,
led to San Francisco blossoming
into the Capitol of the West.
Even paving the way for California
to become a state in 1850.
Thanks, gold!
- I think I've got someone else who'd like to thank gold.
I'm here with a prospector trying to make his fortune
in these great golden hills.
Tell me, sir, how do I like the great outdoors?
- Gold!
- Well, okay.
Um, and how are you enjoying your time out here
on the hunt for riches beyond imagining?
- Gold!
- All right.
You know what?
I think I've got a question you'll
have no problem answering.
What are you looking for?
Yeah!
- Friendship.
- Really thought you were gonna say gold.
Woulda helped transition to my next,
oh, whatever!
Miners like this guy helped extract
over 750,000 pounds of gold during the California Gold Rush.
- Gold?
- Wha?
- Yes, it was a time of immeasurable prosperity.
At the start of the Gold Rush, there was so much gold,
you could literally pick up loose nuggets off the ground.
There's no denying it.
The Gold Rush truly was
the brightest point in American history.
- [Francis] All right, that's it.
- Whoa. - Wow!
- Francis, you left the desk?
That's unheard of.
I kind of thought you were
physically attached to that thing.
- I let you have your fun,
but it's time we set things straight.
- What?
Who's watching Dale?
- Chronodoppler, let's respond to those emails
from that Nigerian prince.
I've got my debit card.
Ooh, whoa.
- Ouchie-bee-boom.
I needed it out, boop-boop.
- Boy, do I love journalism.
- How long do you think that surface gold lasted, Chip?
- What?
Well, I mean, I'm not exactly sure,
but I am sure that that's a .
- Not long.
By 1850, surface gold was essentially gone.
Mining became more industrialized
with new mechanical techniques that,
while innovative, took a massive toll on the environment.
- Well, I mean, I don't know about all that.
- And Hamblin?
Why don't you take another look at
that glorious journey out West?
- Uh, okay.
That was kind of a bummer, Francis.
But I'm here aboard one of many lone wagons,
bravely forging their way West to great, agh!
Huh, I guess the image of lone pioneers
wasn't so accurate.
Apparently, so many people were trying to make the move west
that it wasn't uncommon to see nothing but wagons
all the way to the horizon for days on end.
The spirit of competition was fierce,
causing some drivers to jockey for position,
leading to injuries and even death.
Yeesh!
But I'm sure some things got a lot better
once they got to California.
Jackie, why don't you ask around?
- Sure, Hamblin.
By 1850, it seems most mining had
shifted away from individual miners,
and moved to larger companies.
The idea of a lone miner striking it rich
became increasingly rare.
And the life of a worker often meant
harsh conditions and low wages.
- Gold.
Ah!
- Sorry.
- But life was far worse for others.
The greed and fierce competition of the Gold Rush
created an environment of hostility
and frequent violence towards migrants
from other countries who had come to make their fortune.
But perhaps the greatest victims were the Native Americans,
who had lived in the Great Basin for over 14,000 years.
Chip, I want you to see what Peter Burnett
had to say about these indigenous peoples.
- Peter Burnett, American hero and
first governor of California?
Absolutely!
Let's listen in right now.
- A war of extermination will continue to be waged
between the two races until the Indian race becomes extinct.
- Ugh.
Burnett and the state government would go on to
put a bounty on the heads of Native Americans in the region,
further incentivizing their
extermination.
- In 1845, there were about 150,000
Native Americans living in California.
After the Gold Rush, by the end of the century,
there were less than 20,000.
Guys, this isn't fun anymore.
I wanna go home .
- [Chronodoppler] Bee-boop.
Sadness.
- I wanted you all to see what happens
when greed becomes your only motivation.
Sure, endlessly chasing money might bring wealth,
but it also carries an awful lot
of unwelcome company along with it.
- So what do we do with these?
- Yeah, I'm really not sure I want to play anymore.
- Whoa!
Sounds like people in here need to think more about money!
Aren't you excited for the lotto?
Huh, huh?
Huh?
Don't you wanna get rich, rich, rich?
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
I mean, who cares about consequences
when you've got a yacht?
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.
Huh?
Come on, Big Money, Big Money, Big Money!
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
- Shut it down, janitor man. - Okie dokie.
- What?
No, you can't do that!
You can't!
You can't, stop it!
Money!
- Hi-ya!
- Oh, Dale, you saved us. - Is that a kimono?
- You did it, Dale.
You stopped Ponzi Madoff.
- Who?
I thought it was Hamblin in my seat again.
- Well, I'm glad you got behind us.
I know you bought a lot of tickets.
- It's okay.
Mr. Kissy-Mittens ate them all.
I am homeless, and my cat will be pooping confetti for days.
- Regardless of your insane gibberish,
thanks for saving us, Dale.
And thank you, Francis.
- Well, on that note, this is all of us
at Future Puppet News wishing you
good night and good pooping.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, this must be the end card.
Soul Pancake!
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