Yeah!
Welcome to The Daily Show.
My name is Jon Stewart.
We got a great show for you tonight.
We got a show.
You're going to be very excited that you
tuned in for this evening.
I'll be talking to the great Salman Rushdie,
will be joining us later about his new book, Knife.
Fabulous book.
And many other surprises.
But before that, it's a big day for Donald Trump.
Huge.
His campaign for president was interrupted today
by the trial about the other time
that he had tried to run for president.
Look, let's just check in in another
installment of "America's Most Tremendously Wanted."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
The whole thing is a scam.
After a week of jury selection,
today it was finally time for opening statements,
and it turns out, the prosecution and the defense
do not see eye to eye.
The prosecution arguing that Trump's alleged scheme
to keep an adult film actress quiet
is election interference, pure and simple, in those words.
Trump defense lawyer, Todd Blanche,
told the jury that the former president, though,
did not violate the law.
Mmm.
That's right.
This is a classic case of the state
of New York versus the nu-uh.
Oh, no, we didn't.
I think it's pretty clear he did it.
Anyway, this trial will obviously
be a test of the fairness of the American legal system.
But it's also a test of the media's ability
to cover Donald Trump in a responsible way,
a task they have acknowledged they've
performed poorly in the past.
I think to the degree that the media
had lessons to learn in '16, they seem to have been learned.
It's irresponsible for cable news networks
to give Donald Trump hours and hours of free airtime.
Way too much speculation and liberal wishful thinking
in attempts to connect dots that did not connect.
It's the media's responsibility
to not get distracted.
I think we were much too busy chasing after shiny objects.
All of us have learned some very valuable lessons
from the last couple of years in delineating what's
significant, what's important.
So brave.
Well done.
And I think for this trial, we will
see the seeds of that introspection bear fruit.
Or, we will learn that learning curves are for pussies.
Here we go.
It's on, it's happening, history will be made.
Shaping up to be the trial of the century.
Maybe the trial of the century.
The trial of the century.
What just might be the trial of the century.
The tax man is here, Donald Trump.
He will finally be forced to face the music.
The legal walls closing in around Donald Trump.
The legal walls are starting to close in on Donald Trump.
Yes, this time, Mr. Bond, it truly is your doom.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave this room.
Obviously, when I leave, I'm not
going to press this button right here that
opens all the doors and dismantles the killing
machine I've established.
Don't follow me, Mr. Bond.
Perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand
and try not to create an all-encompassing spectacle
of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help.
You're looking at live pictures in New York City
of Donald Trump's motorcade.
It's about a 20-minute drive between Trump
Tower and the court building.
Trump leaving Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue.
They're now making their way across town, along 57th Street.
They just crossed Park Avenue, making their way
up towards Lexington Avenue.
He's heading down the FDR.
To the Manhattan Courthouse on Chambers Street.
Arriving at this intersection of American history
with defiance.
Arriving at the intersection of American history
with defiance.
The brilliant juxtaposing of the gravitas
of the moment with simple traffic terms was--
[SMOOCH]
He arrived at the intersection of American history,
where he put a quarter in the parking meter of destiny,
leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine
puddle of jurisprudence.
Seriously, are we going to follow this guy
to court every [BLEEP] day?
Are you trying to make this OJ?
It's not a chase.
He's commuting.
So, the media's first attempt, the very
first attempt on the first day, its self-control failed.
And I'm sorry to say that it, I'm sorry, hold on,
we're getting breaking news.
You know, he wanted to get a jury seated, so we had a lady--
Bill, I'm sorry to interrupt, just for one second.
I apologize.
We're just showing the first image of Donald Trump
from inside the courtroom.
It's a still photograph that we're showing there.
Just don't want to make sure our viewers
know what they're looking at.
Yes, for our viewers who are just waking up from a 30-year
coma, uh, this is what Donald Trump has looked like every
day for the past 30 years.
Same outfit.
So we have a photograph of Donald Trump in the courtroom,
but do we really know what he looks like?
The man is a mystery, a yeti, if you will.
Anything could be a deepfake.
Do we have an eye witness account?
Perhaps from a dismissed juror?
Would you describe to me what you saw with Donald Trump
while you were sitting inside of that courtroom?
Not very much.
He was a bit ahead of me and off to the left.
I didn't have a complete view of him today.
Did-- wait, did I have jury duty this week?
What the [BLEEP]?
Broth-- brother?
Mother-Mother-[BLEEP] dresses like me, too.
This is-- Anyway, coming up, more
of our three-part interview with a guy who nearly saw
Donald Trump in the courtroom.
So we have a photograph that's freaking me out, that picture.
We have a photograph, and we have eyewitness accounts,
but do we have anything in a pastel?
A courtroom sketch that we're getting in right now.
I'm looking at the courtroom sketch,
and Mr. Trump looks like he is glowering.
I'm not sure if that's supposed to be
a glower or just a glance.
I don't know how--
it's art.
It's not necessarily-- its artistic journalism,
but it's not a photograph.
Why are you showing it to us?
It's a sketch.
Why would anyone analyze a sketch like it was--
It'd be like looking at The Last Supper
and going, why do you think Jesus looked so sad here.
What do you think, what do you think, it's because of Judas?
What if we interview one of the waiters at one of the tables
from like a different section of the restaurant, who maybe
didn't actually see him, but, you know, we got time to kill.
Well, I guess we'll never know, unless we
could talk to the person who drew the sketch.
But, do we have the time?
Nothing but.
Christine Cornell, she's in the courtroom today,
the official sketch artist.
I want to show one of your sketches today.
We're going through some of them,
but this one, it appears in this one,
that his eyes are closed.
What was happening here?
My apologies, ma'am.
I was sitting 50 feet away.
I was having such a struggle to try and get those eyeballs in.
Damn it, woman!
Does Donald Trump have eyeballs or no, ma'am?
Does he or no?
You were in the room!
Tell me!
Or I will not come to your trinket shop in New Paltz.
Tell me, woman!
[APPLAUSE]
Look, I mean, what the [BLEEP] are we doing?
Uh, I notice here, his head is perfectly round.
Why is that?
Well, I like drawing circles.
At this point, you're probably saying to yourself,
how many television hours have they devoted to what Donald
Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens
for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like.
The answer is, not nearly as many hours
as describing his every movement.
Trump craned his neck to eye prospective jurors, and flashed
a tight-lipped smile.
Leaning to the left a little bit,
quiet, his arms crossed, as well.
Hunched over with his elbows on the desk.
Looked through papers and periodically
whispered to his attorneys.
Fidgeted and leaned back, a scowl fixed to his face,
while he sat squinting.
He was actually biting his lip during today's proceedings.
His lips pursed in that characteristic Trump way.
His eyeballs, gone.
The hulking former president stood up slowly.
He walked towards me with a mixture of desire,
scorn, and let's call it, age-related confusion.
It was then that I realized that this former president
of the United States has a front butt.
Look, at some point in this trial,
something important and revelatory is going to happen.
But none of us are going to notice,
because the hours spent on his speculative facial tics.
If the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane
bullshit is Earth shattering, we won't believe you
when it's really interesting.
It's your classic boy who cried Wolf Blitzer.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Look, it's a trial.
It's boring, mostly.
I've been on jury duty, and I can tell-- that's not me!
That's a different guy!
Why are you?
It's not me.
It may be me.
Look, trials are a lot of procedural shit and side
conferences and sidebars, and what's exhibit 37 2A,
and you're not out of order, this
whole court is out of order.
Look, the one person who's had the most
normal reaction to the trial so far, is Donald Trump.
Donald Trump fell asleep on multiple days
during his criminal trial.
As he should.
I mean, he's been up since 2 AM rage tweeting.
He needs his anger sleep.
Look, we got a long ways to go here.
It's the first day of the first of his 438 trials to come.
Pace yourselves.
And if you're bored, you can always
start planning how you're going to [BLEEP] up covering
his next trial, and the sober mea
culpa you'll deliver during his next term as president.
Because the kinds of things that you are talking about
now are--
OK, OK!
We get it!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
I know that voice.
Oh, my God!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Oh, my God!
It's, it's Jessica Williams.
Jessica, how are you?
Are you down at the courthouse?
Are you there to give us a report?
Uh, yeah, I am.
And here's my report.
Jon Stewart hates fun.
This trial rocks.
Why you got to be all, get off my lawn about it?
I don't necessarily sound like that, but--
Well, well
--I sound close.
As I was explaining, though, the media has systematically
failed to contextualize--
Oh, Jon, please, you're killing me.
My poor, sweet, naive, older than I remember Jon.
What?
Really?
We need this messy bullshit spectacle.
Every other news story is a massive bummer.
This Trump trial is like an open window in a Greyhound
bus full of farts.
Why you trying to close the window, Jon?
Why you trying to make us smell farts?
I'm, I'm not trying to make you smell farts.
No, Jon, you are trying to make us smell farts!
I would never do that to you! You know I would never do that!
This trial is a gift.
An extremely gross old man slash former president might go
to prison for banging a porn star and trying to pay her off,
and you don't want us to cover that shit all day long?
[EXHALES] Jon, the first witness is named David Pecker.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
I know that.
I mean, it's David Pecker.
You know, pecker is slang for wiener, Jon.
It's a pee pee, a peeper, you know,
a dingle, a dongle, a flippity bitch, you know.
Can I, when you say pee pee, but then peeper--
Yeah.
--wouldn't that be the owner of the pee pee?
Different context.
OK.
One guy has the pee pee, the other,
the peeper, not the pee pee.
I'm not trying to be a grammar police,
I'm just saying.
Look, I don't want to get in the weeds about it, OK.
I just want to make sure that I'm clear that I'm talking
about the name, David Pecker, and that it
has a double meaning, and the meaning is for wiener!
Shit!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
I'm already tired.
I have, no, I've, I've missed you terribly.
I've missed you terribly.
Shit!
And then here you come with your old-timey, highfalutin
media critique, ruining our good time,
just like you ruined the 2012 Daily Show Christmas party.
No, I didn't, I didn't ruin that.
What's not fun about mocktails and tofurkey?
I didn't ruin it.
Look, Jess, I hear what you're saying,
but I thought my commentary on the sketch artist
was quite trenchant.
Oh, you want to talk about courtroom sketches?
Look at this!
Wah, wah, wah!
I miss Walter Cronkite.
I have a pen and I scribble nonsense on my script
before the show starts.
Oh, no, the Mets lost again.
- Alright-- - Wah!
Did you--
My God.
Jess, did you actually draw that of me?
Yeah, dude, because it's fun to do,
and people like fun, Jon, damn.
Anyway, I should get going.
I think I see Pecker across the street.
David Pecker?
I'm not sure whose penis it is, actually.
Good old New York.
Jessica Williams, everybody!