Let's kick things off with the big story on Capitol Hill
today, where there was a major hearing that could determine
the future of TikTok.
A rare display of bipartisanship today
for the grilling of TikTok CEO on Capitol Hill.
The executive of the controversial and incredibly
popular app facing some tough questions
about child safety, data collection,
and its Chinese ownership.
The chair of the committee today
says that TikTok should be banned.
We do not trust TikTok will ever embrace American values--
values for freedom, human rights, and innovation.
TikTok has repeatedly chosen the path
for more control, more surveillance,
and more manipulation.
Your platform should be banned.
That's right.
We don't need a Chinese company stealing
our data and spying on us.
That's a job for American companies.
USA!
["usa" chant]
[laughter]
Of course, a ban will affect me personally because, as many
of you know, I have a huge following on TikTok thanks
to my unboxing videos, my makeup tutorials,
and, of course, my dance moves.
I invented this one.
[cheering]
Now, aside from the hearing in the House
today, there's another hearing in the Senate next week,
which I think might go a bit like this.
(IMITATING SANDERS) When is TikTok going to release
an app for my flip phone?
That's what I want to know.
(IMITATING MCCONNELL) Our fear is that you're
spying on Americans.
[laughter]
And my question is whether you've
been spying on Donald Trump.
And if so, could you please share that data
with the prosecutors?
(IMITATING SCHUMER) I want--
[laughter]
I want your assurances that if TikTok is banned,
China won't retaliate by closing Hunan Balcony,
the restaurant near my house.
[laughter]
Because that's where the Schumers eat on Christmas.
They make-- they make a wonderful moo shu pork.
I know it's not kosher.
But it's-- you know, it's Christmas.
[laughter]
(IMITATING COLLINS) I'm worried about the use
of artificial intelligence.
Because I have seen a deepfake video out there
of me saying that I trust Brett Kavanaugh
to uphold Roe v. Wade.
Can you change that to me saying, I don't trust him?
Because that's what I said.
[laughs]
OK.
[cheering]
Let's move to Florida, which I know is something--
I know that's something a lot of old Jews say,
but that's not what I'm talking about.
We all know that last year Governor
DeSantis passed the so-called Don't Say Gay bill,
which banned--
[booing]
--banned teachers from discussing sexual orientation
or gender identity with students in kindergarten
through third grade.
Well, guess what.
DeSantis is now announcing that he plans
to expand the law to cover students all
the way through high school.
So this Don't Say Gay law is terrible.
Luckily, although, it doesn't say
you can't sing about being gay.
(SINGING) Being gay, being gay is an equally valid
way to be a person today.
[cheering]
Anyway, good luck in English class, Florida teens.
I think you'll really enjoy reading
classics like Moby Large Whale with No Subtext Whatsoever.
[laughter]
And, finally, here is some fascinating news
from the worlds of science and music.
REPORTER: And the Associated Press
says scientists analyzed DNA from Beethoven's hair
nearly 200 years after his death.
They're looking for clues about the celebrated composer's
many health problems and his hearing loss.
They found information about the liver disease
that is widely believed to have killed him,
according to a study.
It includes a genetic risk for liver disease,
plus a liver-damaging hepatitis B infection in the last months
of his life.
I am so impressed by the science.
But do we really need to know how Beethoven died?
I feel like most people living in the 19th century died
from living in the 19th century.
[laughter]
Now, if you're wondering how someone
was able to get Beethoven's hair, remember, he was deaf.
It's not-- you know, it's not too
hard to sneak up on a deaf person playing piano
and snip off a souvenir.
Now, I'll admit, I did the exact same thing multiple
times, mainly to Ray Charles.
[laughter]
Hey, look, if we have the guy's DNA,
I can't be the only one thinking it.
Let's make a Beethoven Jurassic Park.
[laughter]
I for one would love to see the brilliant composer
of the Fifth Symphony eat Jeff Goldblum.
[harmonizing]
[cheering]
Stupid.
[laughs] For more on this scientific breakthrough,
we turn to Michael Kosta.
[cheering]
Michael, this is-- this is a pretty amazing discovery,
isn't it?
I guess so, you know?
When scientists dig someone up to study their DNA,
it's an amazing discovery.
But when I do it, it's a felony.
I mean--
Yeah, but still, it is amazing
that we can learn how Beethoven died
just by analyzing his hair.
Well, and it's not just Beethoven, Al.
Thanks to these cutting-edge discoveries, scientists
can finally learn how all sorts of historical figures died.
I mean, for example, after analyzing a DNA sample
from Julius Caesar, we now know that he died
from being stabbed to death.
Ri-- right, of course, Shakespeare.
Who?
William-- William Shakespeare,
the legendary playwright.
Al, I'm not a literature guy.
I'm a scientist, OK?
And, oh, how about this little tidbit?
President Abraham Lincoln, shot in the head.
Yeah, by John--
John Wilkes Booth.
John Wilkes--
I'm not a historian.
I'm a scientist, Al.
You think they just give this lab coat to anyone?
No, and that's why through empirical evidence,
I now know how JFK died also.
Yes, we know.
He was shot in the head.
What the [bleep], Al?
Did-- did someone leak this report to you?
No, it-- it's just that your science
only seems to be confirming well-known historical facts.
OK.
Well, I bet you didn't know how Queen Elizabeth died.
Well, she was 96, so I'm guessing natural causes.
No, meth overdose, OK?
Yes, turns out the old girl couldn't
handle a little Kensington crank at her age.
[laughter]
Look, and that's a lesson for all you kids out there.
Don't wait too long to try meth.
[laughter]
That is a terrible lesson, Michael.
Michael Kosta, everyone.
Thanks, Al.