Translator: Christopher Vidler Reviewer: Denise RQ
I was lying on the floor with my daughter.
It was one of those rare opportunities when the house was kind of quiet,
and we were sitting there doing homework,
and it was nice, because my house is so often so chaotic:
my toddler, 15 months, is climbing everything,
my daughter's rushing off to soccer or ballet.
But on this night, it was just the two of us
lying there, mostly chatting, it was great.
I was in the moment.
But then my mind wandered, I started thinking; I left the moment.
I wondered, "How can we do more of this?
We really need to have more of these moment times together."
And I turned to her, and I said,
"This is really nice. We should do more of this.
Maybe we should schedule a family meeting."
My daughter's six, so therefore, she's almost always very present,
and she says to me, "Well, I don't think we've seen enough butterflies lately."
So profound, it was like a metaphor,
"Stop and smell the roses, stop and see the butterflies."
There are times in my life when I'm very present,
I'll be on a drive and I actually stop and notice the ocean.
Times when my husband and I ask about each other's day
and actually stop to hear the answer.
And there are moments when I relish,
when I'm so blessed to feel my little toddler's hand on top of mine.
When I'm in these moments, I even notice my awareness
because the moments are too rare; I'm always rushing.
And life moves fast enough, doesn't it?
I want you to think about some simple scenarios.
I want you to imagine watching a sunrise,
and I want you to compare it to buying something new.
Now I want you to think about having a big belly laugh with friends,
then compare it to a fun-packed weekend, kind of rushed, full of social events.
Lastly, I want you to think about watching your child's performance, fully engaged,
versus half-watching, when you've got your phone going and the camera,
and you're trying to get a good shot, so you're not really totally present.
Each of these scenarios should elicit very different emotions.
In the first set of scenarios,
you should feel a sense of replenishment or satisfaction,
that the second scenarios just can't deliver on.
They never satisfy.
The Japanese have a word for mindful walks in the forest
called "shinrin-yoku", meaning "forest bathing".
It's considered a natural way to cleanse oneself of stress.
Science confirms this, stating that essential oils breathed in from trees
give immune-boosting properties, just from a very present walk.
These everyday experiences are available to us to take part in,
regardless of what we're going through.
I struggle with this, and I know many of you do too
because talking with people about their problems is my line of work.
As a psychotherapist, I work with people struggling in various aspects of life.
They are ceaselessly striving.
They are worried about the future, they are ruminating on the past.
They have unhealthy attachments, unhealthy expectations.
We have everything we need to be happy right now.
Let's face it: our worries, or our fears,
or what we generally get freaked out about,
are rarely happening in the moment.
They're things that could happen, might happen,
but often don't happen, at least not in the way we feared.
We worry about the past, "I should have sent that email yesterday."
Or the future, "How am I going to face my ex at the wedding this summer?"
And this struggle to be in the moment is a common theme in my clients' narratives.
Let's take Jack.
I saw Jack for a number of years,
he was referred to me by his psychiatrist and his family doctor
to deal with a deep depression.
He was always chasing happiness and trying to make up for the past,
and this led him to overspending,
chasing a well-paid, well-regarded job trajectory he wasn't interested in,
flirting with others, flirting with danger,
and this, eventually, led him to having an affair.
He was filled with shame and remorse.
He saw the future is too impossible, a past laden with regret.
But getting Jack to the present was key for him in healing and growing,
and I'm happy to report that he did the work
and he's now in an intentional place of contentment.
For others it's less about choices; it's more clinical.
I have a client we'll call Sarah
who's recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
She's struggling with both the medications and the diagnosis,
and [inaudible] sense of identity now that she has this diagnosis.
She's always been the life of the party,
but now that her energy and desires have waned a bit,
she's wondering how she'll be perceived, how others will see her.
When we dissected her historical, fun-loving self,
we found that she wasn't actually very present then, either.
So getting to the present is not a comfortable place for her,
but it's important,
as she gets more understanding about herself and grows.
As I prepared for this TEDx,
I tried to implement more frequently the techniques I'll share with you today.
First, we need to cut down, and slow down.
So look at your schedule with a critical eye,
and really examine why we're doing what we're doing.
Sometimes they're important, but sometimes,
obligations and commitments are based on unhealthy motivations or even guilt.
If we cut out and make room,
then we can fully be present for the things that we do attend.
Secondly, the 5-5-5 technique.
Now this is a sleep technique,
and anyone who struggles with sleep knows you must be in the present to fall asleep.
If you're in the past or the future, you just can't get there.
This technique will bring you there.
So I want you to look around the room, and just think of five things you can see.
You might see the lights, me, this big red carpet,
the palm trees, my daughter behind.
Now five things you can hear.
You might [hear someone's] phone,
you might hear the buzz of the mic,
the air conditioning, a shuffle, a laughter.
Now five things you can feel.
It might be your back against the chair,
your legs crossed, your arms in your lap,
your knees touching, your ankles touching, whatever it is.
So you do five, four, three, two, one.
For sleep, if you fall asleep in this, that's great, that's the idea,
but I often use it with my clients just to practice presence during the day.
So what do you see, hear, and feel right now?
Be mindful.
Another technique is Morning Pages.
It was introduced by Julia Cameron in her book "The Artist's Way"
as a bedrock of creativity to find and retrieve creative ideas.
I find it is an excellent way to practice presence.
So, all these thoughts we're having, our subconscious, our conscious,
it happens through the day and the night;
this technique helps you put them and anchor them somewhere,
so here's how it works.
You get out a notebook, first thing in the morning,
as soon as you wake up, and you write three pages.
No more, no less.
It can be about anything - this is a ridiculous assignment -
it could be a partial grocery list,
or maybe write about your hopes and dreams.
I just find it an excellent way to practice presence,
anchor your thoughts, get focused, and move on with your day.
Lastly, you need to check in with yourself.
How present are you?
What do you need to do to be more present?
What do you need to let go of to be more aware?
As I practice these techniques, I let go of more things in the schedule.
I did Morning Pages to help me get more focused in my day.
I looked around, I breathed in, and I checked in with myself,
and this helped me become less stressed, and my family become less stressed too.
Nurturing presence is an opportunity, but rarely how we live day-to-day.
It's simple, it's healing, and it's always available to you.
So I want to ask you something: have you seen enough butterflies lately?