OH, MAN, THIS IS SO COOL.
LISTEN, IF I WAS NOT GIVEN THE WONDERFUL GIFT OF LAUGHTER,
I WOULD BE A ROCK STAR.
I'M SERIOUS.
I WENT TO A ROCK SHOW RECENTLY, YOU GUYS,
AND THIS ROCK STAR WAS UP THERE,
AND HE'S JUST LIKE...
[ GRUNTING ]
HIS PANTS WERE FALLING DOWN.
MAN-BUSH HANGING OUT, BUTT CRACK.
HE WAS JUST LIKE...
IT WAS SO COOL.
AND WHEN HE WAS DONE SINGING HIS SONG,
HE SPIT INTO THE AUDIENCE,
AND THE AUDIENCE WAS LIKE, "SPIT ON ME!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, THAT'S THE COOLEST JOB IN THE WORLD.
WHAT JOB COULD YOU DO WHERE YOU COULD SPIT ON PEOPLE
AND THEY WOULD LIKE IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
CAN YOU IMAGINE WORKING AT THE BANK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IS THAT GONNA BE IT FOR YOU TODAY, MR. JOHNSON?
[ HOCKING ]
HAVE A GOOD DAY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH! THANKS.
THE ONLY JOB BETTER THAN THE LEAD SINGER
WOULD BE THE BACKUP SINGER, WOULD IT NOT?
JUST LIKE...
JUST ALL THE GLORY, NONE OF THE WORK.
JUST UP THERE...
EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GO...
♪ YEAH! ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'D BE -- IT'D BE LIKE BEING DOUG PITT.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHO DOUG PITT IS?
BRAD PITT'S BROTHER. DID YOU GUYS KNOW HE HAD ONE?
GOOGLE IT. GOOGLE IT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PERKS THAT DOUG HAS GOTTEN
JUST FOR BEING BRAD'S BROTHER?
BUT HERE'S THE THING --
HE LOOKS LIKE BRAD...
BUT NOT QUITE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOULDN'T THAT SUCK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'D BE LIKE HAVING A POWERBALL LOTTO TICKET
AND BEING ONE NUMBER OFF, WOULDN'T IT?
WHEN I'M HAVING A BAD DAY, I'LL THINK ABOUT GOOD OLD DOUG.
GETTING UP IN THE MORNING,
CATCHING A GLIMPSE OF HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AND GOING,
"AW! SO CLOSE!"
[ APPLAUSE ]
THOSE ROCK STARS, THOUGH,
THEY GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY?
THEY CAN BE RUDE, AND NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING.
YOU EVER BEEN TO A SHOW,
AND THE LEAD SINGER IS UP THERE, DOING HIS THING,
AND THEN THE BASS PLAYER DOES THAT WALK.
YOU KNOW, THE BASS PLAYER.
AND THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER,
AND SUDDENLY SOMETHING'S FUNNY, AND THEY'RE LIKE...
AND THE BASS PLAYER WALKS AWAY.
WHAT'S -- THAT'S RUDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LIKE BAD BOYS. I DO.
I DON'T LIKE, LIKE, GUYS THAT HAVE TOO MANY TATTOOS
OR DRINK A LOT.
I LIKE GUYS WHO MIGHT COMMIT A FELONY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT SLEEPING WITH ONE EYE OPEN
THAT TURNS ME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
I TRY TO DATE. I'M SINGLE.
FELLAS, STAY IN YOUR SEATS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AH.
USUALLY, PEOPLE RUSH.
OHH.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I TRY TO GO OUT THERE AND DATE, BUT I'M JUST A BAD DATER.
AND I'M HONESTLY NOT SHY, BUT WHEN I GO ON DATES,
I GET REALLY NERVOUS, AND DATES ALWAYS INVOLVE FOOD,
AND WHEN I'M NERVOUS, I EAT FAST.
AND WHEN I EAT FAST, I THROW UP IN MY MOUTH.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
I KNOW. THAT IS SO HARD TO COVER UP.
NO WAY! YOU HAVE TWO SISTERS, TOO?
OH, MY GOD, ME TOO. [ LAUGHS ]
[ GAGS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
I AM -- I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEBODY WHO'S --
IT'S HARD TO FIND GOOD-QUALITY PEOPLE.
I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE JESUS.
AND THAT IS SO HARD TO FIND.
WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING DATING SOMEONE LIKE JESUS,
OR EVEN DATING JESUS?
I MEAN, IF YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG,
HE'S DEFINITELY GONNA FORGIVE YOU.
THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE HE'S GONNA DIE FOR YOU.
AND HE HANGS OUT WITH THOSE 12 HOT FRIENDS,
AND THEY ALL HANG OUT WITH HOOKERS AND PROSTITUTES --
MY PEOPLE.
YOU IMAGINE GOING TO A PARTY
WITH JESUS AND HIS 12 HOT FRIENDS,
AND THEY'RE OUT OF BOOZE?
YOU JUST BUST INTO THE KITCHEN AND GO OVER TO THE SINK,
AND JESUS TURNS WATER INTO WINE 'CAUSE HE'S JESUS.
HE CAN DO IT. HE'S JESUS.
GETTING HAMMERED WITH JESUS.
THAT SHOULD BE A GROUP.
THAT SHOULD BE A SONG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
I HAD MENTIONED EARLIER THAT I AM SINGLE --
UGH! -- AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.
UM, IT'S JUST THAT MY FRIENDS, THEY ALL HAVE KIDS, YOU KNOW.
I'M IN MY EARLY, LIKE, 30s,
AND MY FRIENDS ALL HAVE KIDS AND EVERYTHING.
AND THEY THINK SINGLE LIFE IS JUST SO UNBELIEVABLE,
LIKE EVERY NIGHT, I'M IN CLEAR HEELS WITH A TUBE TOP ON
AND GLITTER ON MY FACE, JUST LIKE...
[ IMITATES TECHNO BEAT ]
THAT IS NOT WHAT IT'S LIKE, YOU GUYS.
IF I HAVE NOT CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP BY 9:00,
IT'S BECAUSE I'M UP HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M GLAD YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY, SIR.
BECAUSE I'M SINGLE, I'M THE GIRL THAT GETS INVITED TO THINGS,
AND I GOT INVITED TO A BABY SHOWER.
BABY SHOWERS ARE RIDICULOUS.
YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX, AND NOW I GOT TO BUY YOU A GIFT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN...
[ APPLAUSE ]
I'VE BEEN HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX MY ENTIRE LIFE, YOU GUYS.
THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER GOTTEN WAS HURT FEELINGS.