Let's talk about wellness.
It's a $1.5 trillion industry, and I'm obsessed.
I've tried it all.
I drink mushroom coffee, I've done ice baths,
I've tried meditation apps, I gave
my meditation app an ice bath.
I don't know if it worked, because my phone
won't turn on, but.
But like a ski trip with Gwyneth Paltrow,
wellness has a dark side.
[applause]
And that is what I want to talk about in tonight's installment
of "Long Story Short."
[applause]
[cheering]
Now, you might think that the term
wellness started in the '90s, back
when white women invented yoga.
But it's actually been around for at least a century.
And until very recently, there's
been zero government regulation to make sure that wellness
products are legit.
A company could claim that their panda semen protein
powder will give you that glow, but they
don't have to show receipts.
So it's no surprise that they sell a lot of snake oil.
The US Preventive Services Task Force
reviewed 84 studies involving hundreds of thousands
of people over 30 years.
The task force concluded there was little or no benefit
in using vitamin and mineral supplements
to prevent cancer, cardiovascular disease,
and death.
There is a new study that found some of those melatonin
gummies that are so popular, actually
contain way more of the hormone than they advertise.
Wellness influencers promoting products
like colloidal silver drops, they say can combat
where there is infection.
Non-prescription products that
contain colloidal silver are not
recognized as safe by the FDA.
There's a lot of buzz around detoxes,
but dietitians and doctors will tell you, detoxing is a myth.
There is one ingredient, though, that takes
some detoxes to another level.
It's called senna leaf, and thing
is, senna can also cause stomach problems, cramps,
and diarrhea.
After using senna up for a while,
you might not be able to poop without it.
[fart]
That's right.
If you take some of these products,
you might be as full of shit as the influencers who sell them.
Look, I get why people want to believe this stuff works.
But if just drinking tea was the key to looking snatch,
the British royal family would look a lot different.
But look, the truth is, you don't
have to spend a single dollar to try
a bullshit wellness trend.
Just go on social media, and you'll find plenty of ways
to jeopardize your health for free.
Advocates of the saltwater flush claim chugging water
mixed with 2 tablespoons of salt
is a healthy way to clean out your colon.
But experts are issuing stern warnings.
Dangerous as [bleep].
It's literally napalm for your bowels.
It's the latest viral health trend, with nearly
40 million views on TikTok.
The claim?
That putting tape on your mouth at night
can help you get better sleep?
It's a trend that has some medical experts
sounding the alarm.
You're risking things like cardiac arrest.
It can induce seizures.
There's a lot of risks to it.
Doctors are warning against a viral wellness
trend called perineum sunning.
They say it's not worth the risk of sun
damage, or even skin cancer.
[laughter]
Just a general rule.
Never try a trend that seems like it
was invented by the guy next door with binoculars.
And please, please do not try that at home.
If you want to see a sunburnt asshole,
just watch the next presidential campaign.
[laughter]
[horn blowing]
Ah, that's the last we'll see of him.
Nailed his ass!
But maybe the darkest side of wellness
is that too often, it's not even about wellness.
It's about targeting women's insecurities.
Whether it's eliminating your wrinkles, flattening your abs,
or the industry's favorite targets, our extremely
disappointing vaginas.
Apparently, it needs a full reno down there.
Talking detox pearls to stay clean,
vaginal eggs to tighten its core, and of course,
gummies to improve its taste.
Because it's not enough that your vagina can
regulate its own pH and be a pleasure center,
and deliver a baby.
It also needs to taste so good it gets a Michelin star.
[laughter]
We don't need any of this.
The vagina is a self-cleaning organ.
It's not like you need a tiny Roomba in there getting all
those hard to reach corners.
In fact, if your vagina has corners, please,
go see a doctor.
But the fact is, the reason the wellness industry is making
so much money off women in the first place,
is because of doctors.
The American health care industry
is constantly failing women, whether it's
doctors dismissing their symptoms,
or telling them that their pain isn't as bad as they're
claiming, or prescribing them less medicine than men
for the same issues.
And keep in mind, this is all even worse for women of color.
And it's happening as the courts and states
are rapidly eroding women's access
to reproductive health care.
And all of this is stressing me out so much,
I could really use a panda semen smoothie!
[cheers and applause]
My meditation app when I need it.
So it's no wonder that women turn to wellness,
despite all its faults.
Because what's more ridiculous?
A health care system that denies women treatment
and tells them that their pain's all in their head,
or this?
[applause]
So long story short, until American health care takes
women's concerns seriously, we're
going to continue to be targets for alternative solutions.
So the next time a wellness brand tries to sell you
a product, here's some advice.
Pretend like you're a doctor listening to a female patient.
Don't take their word for it.