THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING HERE, EVERYBODY,
LET'S GET INTO SOME NEWS.
THERE IS MORE TROUBLE FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP, ACCORDING TO A
NEW REPORT STATE PROSECUTORS IN NEW YORK ARE LACKING INTO TENS
OF THOUSANDS OF DOCUMENTS RELATED TO DONALD TRUMP'S
INAUGURATION TO SEE IF INAUGURATION MONEY WAS MISSPENT.
NOW YOU MAY RECALL THAT THREE DOORS DOWN AND BIG AND RICH
PERFORMED AT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION.
(LAUGHTER) SO I'M GOING TO SAY YES,
DEFINITELY MONEY WAS MISSPENT, FOR SURE.
LIKE ALSO WANTING TO KNOW IF FOREIGN COUNTRIES MADE ANY
ILLEGAL DONATIONS AM BUT I THINK IT IS ONLY FAIR.
THEY ARE THE ONES THAT GOT HIM ELECTED, YOU KNOW.
ITS HE'S VERY MUCH A YOU BREAK IT, YOU BUY IT SCENARIO.
THERE COULD HAVE BEEN A MISUSE OF FUNDS, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
FOREIGN DONATIONS.
THE ONLY THING WE KNOW FOR SURE WASN'T THAT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION
WAS A CROWD.
MOVING ON, STATE LAWMAKERS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) MOVING ON STATE LAWMAKERS HAVE
INTRODUCED A NEW BILL THAT WOULD BAN PEOPLE IN NEW YORK FROM
TEXTING WHILE WALKING.
YEAH.
PEDESTRIANS COULD BE FINED UP TO $250 FOR TEXTING WHILE CROSSING
THE STREET.
WHEN THEY HEARD ABOUT THIS NEW YORKERS SAID-- WHAT, WHAT WAS
THAT?
(LAUGHTER) SO NOW YOU CAN GET FINED FOR
JAYWALKING.
YOU CAN ALSO GET FINED FOR LM LMAAO, J.K. WALKING, IT IT WOULD
INCLUDE TEXTING, BROWSING THE INTERNET EMAILS WITH EXCEPTIONS
FOR EMERGENCY, YOU KNOW, EMERGENCIES LIKE TEXTING,
CHECKING EMAILS AND BROWSING THE INTERNET.
HEAR IS SOME INTERNATIONAL NEWS TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
THE MAYOR OF A SMALL FRENCH TOWN IS CONCERNED ABOUT HIS DWINDLE
POPULATION AND TO ENCOURAGE YOUNG COUPLES TO HAVE CHILDREN,
HE STARTED HANDING OUT FREE VIAGRA.
LEV LAUGH THE FRENCH TOWN IS GOING THROUGH SOME HARD TIMES.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT IS NOT EVEN THE PUNCH LINE FOR THE JOKE BUT I-- I'M PRETTY
SURE YOU FIGURED IT OUT.
WE CAN MOVE ON.
BUT HE'S GIVING OUT VIAGRA AND TRYING TO GET YOUNG PEOPLE TO
HAVE SEX.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE MAYOR OF A FRENCH TOWN IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU
THINK A MAYOR OF A FRENCH TOWN MIGHT BE LIKE.
WHAT A STRANGE WAY TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR KIDS HOW THEY WERE BORN.
WELL, THERE WAS A WEIRD MAYOR AND HE OFFERED MUMMEE AND DADDY
A BUNCH OF THESE FREE BONER PILLS.
AND THEN YOU CAME ALONG.
I WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS, A MAN ON A RECENT VACATION TO
TENNESSEE WENT OUT FOR A WALK AND CAME BACK TO FIND HIS CAR
WITH SOME RATHER UNUSUAL PASSENGERS.
HERE THEY ARE.
LOOK AT THIS.
YES.
NOW ST HARD TO SEE BUT THERE IS ACTUALLY THREE BEARS IN HIS CAR.
YEAH, APPARENTLY THIS ONE WAS JUST RIGHT.
IT IT MUST BE A TOUGH SITUATION TO BE IN BECAUSE ON THE ONE
HAND, YOU KNOW, YOU WANT YOUR CAR TO BE OKAY.
ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU KIND OF WANT TO WATCH THREE BEARS DRIVE
AWAY IN YOUR CAR.
YOU WANT TO SEE IT.
IN OTHER NEWS, A GROUP OF VETERINARIANS IN CANADA HAVE
WILL BEIED TO BROADEN MARIJUANA LAWS TO AUTHORIZE THE USE OF
MEDICINE KAL CANNABIS FOR PETS.
YEAH.
HOW MUCH HIGHER DO WE NEED DOGS TO BE?
ARE WE WORRIED THAT DOGS AREN'T ALREADY HIGH ENOUGH?
THEY LOVE FRISBEE, THEY THINK SCWIRLS ARE FASCINATING.
THEY WOULD DO ALMOST ANYTHING FOR A BARBECUE POTATOE CHIP.
SOME ANIMALS HAVE ALREADY BEEN EXPERIMENTING WITH CANNABIS AND
I THINK IT MIGHT BE WORKING.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.