Impeachment.
It's the most presidential thing
Donald Trump has ever done.
And after a full week of arguments
in Trump's second senate trial,
it all came down to this.
NEWSWOMAN: Former president Donald Trump tonight
declared not guilty of the impeachment charge
he incited insurrection at the Capitol on January 6.
And he is hereby acquitted
of the charge in said article.
NEWSWOMAN: Seven Republican senators voting with Democrats
to convict, 57 to 43.
The most bipartisan Senate impeachment vote in history,
but far short of the two-thirds majority needed to convict.
Yes. The bad news for Donald Trump
is that seven members of his own party
said that he was guilty-- which is unprecedented.
The good news for him is it wasn't enough,
so Trump is free to go, baby!
2024, here we come! (imitates air horn)
Ooh, and we gettin' the whole crew back together.
Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner, that dude with the horns,
Mike Pence-- sorry about trying to get you killed.
But that's in the past now-- let's do this!
And true to his form, Trump got acquitted
43 to 57.
This dude just loves losing the popular vote.
And I get... I get that it's disappointing
for a lot of people, but we should know this by now--
this is what Trump does.
He wiggles his way out of accountability.
Trying to hold Trump responsible for his crimes
is like trying to kill a fruit fly.
It's just, like...
Aha! I got it this time.
Then you open your hands, he's not even there.
He's already halfway across the room,
sitting on your girlfriend's boob.
And this was actually a bit of a tricky situation
for Republicans, because polls show that most Americans
don't like Trump and think he should have been convicted.
But the GOP base still loves Trump
and would turn against anyone who votes against him
faster than Buffy fans turned on Josh Whedon.
So to make everybody happy, senators came up
with a really amazing and bullshit excuse
that even if Trump was guilty,
they couldn't do anything about it,
because he's already out of office.
And nobody rolled around in that bullshit more
than my man, Mitch McConnell.
There's no question-- none--
that President Trump is practically
and morally responsible
for provoking the events of the day.
We have no power to convict and disqualify
a former office holder who is now a private citizen.
As an ordinary citizen, unless the state of limitations is run,
still liable for everything he did
while he's in office.
Didn't get away with anything, yet.
Yet.
We have a criminal justice system in this country.
We have civil litigation.
And former presidents are not immune
from being accountable by either one.
Wow.
Yet another profile in courage from Mitch McConnell.
Basically, what he's saying is, Trump caused the riot,
Trump is super guilty, and Mitch just hopes that someday
someone else will do something about it.
Whew.
I mean, look, nobody's actually buying this explanation.
Out of anyone, Mitch McConnell is the one person
who always finds a way to get things done
if he wants to get it done.
This dude is so effective, he has federal judges
on the French Supreme Court.
(French accent): I don't know how he got here,
but the law is the law, so electric cars are illegal.
But now, all of a sudden, Mitch is coming up with excuses
just so that he doesn't have to take a stand.
And I just have one question, Senator McConnell.
How can you even look at yourself?
Uh, I never have, Trevor. Every time I look in the mirror,
it kills itself.
Oh. Okay.
But thanks to Mitch and 42 other Republicans,
Donald Trump managed to beat off the charges against him.
And now his friends and family are beating off in general.
NEWSMAN: This was a big win for Team Trump.
The former president's taking a victory lap,
not showing any signs of remorse or regret.
After yesterday's verdict, Trump attorney Michael van der Veen
was seen fist-bumping another member of the defense,
saying, "We're going to Disney World,"
as if they had just won the Super Bowl.
NEWSWOMAN: Mr. Trump's son Eric posting this on Twitter.
Two-nothing.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Two and oh!
Obama never even won a single impeachment.
Shit's embarrassing.
I mean, say what you want, but Trump is the acquittal GOAT.
Sorry, O.J., You had a good run, but Trump got acquitted twice.
And he's responsible for more deaths.
And you might think two and oh is as good as it gets.
But I think Trump might even have a third impeachment in him.
Eight months from now, Congress could just be like,
"Aw, damn it, we just found out
that Trump sold the Declaration of Independence on eBay!"
"Well, I hope someone does something about it,
but I vote to acquit."
"Damn it, Mitch!"
But for now, if you're celebrating
alongside Team Trump,
and you want to remember this day forever,
well, here's an offer you won't want to miss.
ANNOUNCER: It's official-- President Trump has won
his second impeachment trial,
on technical grounds,
and now you can celebrate with the president
with the new Trump Acquittal Collection,
including the official Acquittal T-shirt,
the official Acquittal Blanket,
and the official Acquittal Coffee Mug.
Order now, and you'll get real copies
of the Trump defense's used trial notes.
All purchases come with a baseball bat
and flex cuffs,
for the next time we march on the Capitol peacefully.
Wink, wink.
Let's say sometime this spring. Be there.
We'll be wild.