Hi, my name is Paul Friedman founder of The Marriage Foundation and today's
video is called "My Husband is Keeping Secrets From Me"
and you want to know what to do I don't blame you. And look, this is not if you're
paranoid and you're always worried about something, this is a legitimate thing
because sometimes what happens is we start to realize, "Oh my God, he's moving
the phone right away before I see it" or "he's checking the emails and turning the
computer so I don't notice. What's going on? I'm going to tell you what's going on
it's not really pretty but you have to face it.
But first, I'm going to tell you what a marriage is supposed to be simply. You
got marry to be happy. You got married so that the wedding day was phenomenal
and after that it just got better that's why you got married but they don't teach
us this stuff and it's terrible because your marriage should literally be better
every single day and it can be. It's obviously, not right now what's happening
in your marriage. You're wondering if your husband is hiding things from you
and why would he do that if he trusted you, and loved you, and respected you and
cared for you. He didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't be doing this, would he?
Why would he need to have something to hide? Why is your marriage not what it's
supposed to be? Let's get real. If you were the amazing wife that he thought he
was getting married to he wouldn't have any secrets from you other than gifts
that he might be buying for you or trips that he might be planning to take you on.
This certainly wouldn't be happening, what I'm doing is I'm turning it around.
Look, I used to be a divorce mediator I've seen it all and one of the biggest
issues that people don't confront is their own issue
of me, how come he's not taking care of me? How come he's being a creep?
How come he is doing this? How come he doesn't respect me anymore?
Instead of, what do I need to be doing to make my marriage amazing? Think about it
your marriage is only two people, just two of you. You're soul mates
and you've turned into cell mates. Well there's this laughable idea out there
that it takes two - no it doesn't. It takes one. There's only two of you. Imagine if
you're going on a hike or something and one of you suggests something cool like
"Oh wow, look at this beautiful plant on the side." Both of you get into it only
takes one to lead the way. Now another big problem that we have is that we
don't learn how to be selfless, how to give of ourselves. You have expectations
it doesn't work in marriage. You alone are responsible for you alone. You are
given free will. It's amazing, you have so much power with that the power to either
give or think you're going to get away with taking. In a marriage, you're in a safe
space, learn to give. Don't try to do this on your own. The reason in a way I got
out of divorce mediation was that I had a couple come to me and I'm not going to go
into the whole story but I ended up saving their marriage but I had to
create a whole different template. All the therapists who would send me their
clients sent them to get a divorce because they failed so I had to start with
not what are they doing wrong, I don't believe in that, but what should I do
that's right, what can I do to help them have the marriage they should have.
And I didn't even go with, I want them to have the marriage that they first had. I don't
know what they first had and I know what you first had. I don't know
maybe you're like most people and you were fighting by the time you were
picking out the tuxedos. I want you to have an incredible marriage. I went from
divorce mediation to marriage-saving and then because a friend of mine at Second
Saturday who I worked with and therefore he knew me, he knows my style. He said
"Paul you could make this a service turn it into a foundation." I said, "Great
idea Robert." So now we have a foundation, I've written two books that's
all you need. These two books are amazing. They're basically the same. One is more
complex because it's for training therapists so one is called Lessons for
a Happy Marriage by Paul Friedman that's me, and the other is Breaking the Cycle
by Paul Friedman, that's me. They're both great. If your marriage has gone too far
though, if it's really slipping to a divorce and that's what happens
what happens is the marriage is like hobbling along and then it starts going
downhill and then it gets steeper and steeper and BAM! If you're on that steep
incline towards divorce, don't get the books. Get the
course for women and don't tell your husband, "I'm getting a course
for women so I can help my marriage." Don't do that, make it your mission. These
courses are amazing by the way, they're probably the best self-help courses out
there because they focus on some very deep spiritual principles. Number one is
free will, you have free will. You're supposed to be controlling your
mind but you don't control your mind. Your mind is controlled by your habits
and your instincts and I came up with a method for introspection and shifting
your mind. Everyone says, "Oh, I can't change my habits." I know I had the
same problem many years ago but I came up with a technique it's called the SEW
technique so you can change all your habits. You can change all your triggers.
You could become a new you, a better you and incredibly happy you
because your whole thing about marriage is to be happy so let's start with making you
happy. If you have more questions you might, you could either put
them in the comment section which means I'll answer them or you could contact
our counselors. It's a free service. You write in, they'll give you a great answer.
All of them have been trained by me, they're amazing human beings. All of them
actually came to me because their marriages we're going south so you can
become happy. You can get the answers here. Don't give up
change your attitude instead of going "how do I fix this", go "how do I make my
marriage incredible." Let's do it the right way, let's do it the right way this
time. Don't waste any more time, you can do this. All right share this video if
you want, like it for sure it helps and blessings to you, blessings to your
husband ,and blessings to your family. Thank you!