-Dude, you're looking sharp as always.
-Thank you. Thank you. -Thanks for coming back.
Welcome back to the show. It's nice to see you.
This is your third tour right here.
It's called "Off with his Head." -Mm-hmm.
-And it is -- You're selling out shows across the country.
Are you loving it? How's it been?
How have you been? -You know, I'll be honest.
I'm, um -- I'm a little scared right now, Jimmy.
-Whoa. This is -- Tell me about it.
-I was anxious, and I don't know why you're not scared.
Um...
-Anxious about? What's going on?
-A.I.
-Yeah. -Artificial intelligence.
-Yeah. No, I know what it stands for.
-I mean, you're playing games with --
You're playing games with Julia Roberts,
and you're not losing your mind right now.
It's coming for all of us. You guys know that, right?
-You think A.I. is coming for all of us?
-I -- Okay. I don't think it will replace us,
but I do think it will kill us.
-What are you talking about?
-When ChatGPT finds out how we treated Wikipedia, it's over.
-You think we treated Wikipedia wrong?
-Oh, you treated it with respect?
Wikipedia gave us everything. We gave it jack [bleep], Jimmy.
Like, I have a political science degree
just from plagiarizing Wikipedia.
Like, it was just control-C, control-V, I got a degree.
And every two weeks,
Wikipedia goes panhandling for money like a Dickensian orphan.
Just cup in hand. Just thirsty as [bleep].
Just, "Can I have a dollar, please?
Mr. Minhaj? $3, please?"
-"Yes. We're helping you out."
-And I'm just like, "Shut your mouth, Wikipedia!"
-Wow. -"Get off my stoop.
I have to renew my subscription to Peacock.
Now give me the film synopsis
to Home Alone 2: Lost in New York'!
Go!"
Like, it's bad. Did you -- Did you donate to Wikipedia?
-No, I will never -- No. -This is what -- See?
Just I never -- But I've used it. Yeah.
-Yeah. Do better, Jimmy Fallon. Like, really?
I think -- I think the whole --
It came out of nowhere, did it not?
Like, the A.I. thing. Nobody was talking about it.
And then everybody was talking about it.
-Yeah, now everybody's talking about ChatGPT.
-Yeah, and, like, I had that moment.
It was last November and it was this moment.
I wake up first thing in the morning, right?
And instead of leaning over and kissing my beautiful wife,
I reached over and I grabbed my cellphone
first thing in the morning.
you know, 87 missed text messages
all on one group thread called, you know, "Da Boyz."
Like, every guy here has a group
that's just called, like, "Da Boyz."
It's just Da Boyz, right?
-You think every guy has a group?
-Oh, it's -- Yeah, it's like a tree house.
It's just. It's just Da Boyz. No girls allowed.
-I kind of have that. -Yeah. It doesn't matter --
It doesn't matter how educated you are.
Like, Barack Obama is in a group thread
called, like, "Boner Boys for Life,"
"Too Bricked Up to Die."
And Michelle's like, "Who are the Boner Boys?"
And you're like, "Babe, this is a U.S. senator
in the Boner Boys."
-"This is my crew." -Yeah.
So, you know, and probably on your group, it's just like --
It's, like, "Family Guy" memes and then, like,
serious articles about inflation, so...
[ Laughter ]
Like, the boys hit me up and, "Have you read the article?"
"Bro, have you read this? I haven't read a book,
but you got to read this article."
And I'm just like, "Alright. Let me read the article
so I can reply with my own article, right?"
And I'm reading the articles.
It's like, "A.I. is taking over.
A.I. can do computational math and science in seconds.
A.I. will replace every white-collar worker
in the next 3 to 5 years. Strap in.
A.I. is the most brilliant thing you've ever seen."
And I'm just like, "Yo.
Are they abbreviating "Asians and Indians" right now?
[ Laughter ]
They talking about us?
Because -- Because we are the original A.I.
You know what I mean?
You guys were all, like, on ChatGPT.
You're like, "Oh, 8 times 7."
Yeah, 56! I know this! You think about it.
You know what? All of you are complicit.
Think about the way you treat ChatGPT.
You treat it like an Asian kid
that you're bullying in high school.
You're like, "Hey, ChatGPT, come here."
[ Laughter ]
"Write me a 10-page essay
on Herman Melville's 'Moby Dick.' Go!"
And it just gives you everything.
-In the past, we've talked about therapy.
-Oh, right. Okay. Wait. That's a hard pivot, Jimmy.
-No. Have you considered it?
-Okay.
I have joined the cult of therapy.
-Yeah. -And it is a cult.
It's a cult. -No.
-No, no, no. It's a cult. Let me just say this.
I've had a little bit too much of it.
Like, you know, if you're in therapy,
you have to change, right?
Like, I got friends that are in ther--
Do you have friends who are in therapy
but they're like -- they're still [bleep] people?
-Yeah. -They'll use the words
to, like, jujitsu out of any accountability.
You know, you're like, "Hey, we need to talk."
And they're like, "I hear you, I receive you,
but I'm working on me right now."
You're like, "Damn it." -"I'm working on me right now."
-Yeah, you just Neo'd yourself out of accountability.
Now, I have friends that are in physical therapy,
and they've made more progress
than my friends in therapy-therapy.
Like, it's crazy.
So, I'll also say this about therapy.
You got to have a therapist
that understands you culturally,
no matter what your culture is, right?
Doesn't matter. Black, Arab, Latino.
White girls. Right?
White girls, you deserve --
you deserve a therapist that understands that Taylor Swift
is your Martin Luther King Jr.
You know what I mean? She is the leader of your movement.
"I Have a Dream (Taylor's Version)."
Your therapist has to -- I don't get that.
But, like, I had a therapist.
-Yeah. -She was from Caucasia.
Her name was Janet. And...
[ Laughter ]
She didn't download all the series of my culture.
You know, it was like watching "Game of Thrones" with your dad
but you start on season seven.
You know, it's like, "What are the White Walkers?"
You're like, "How do I get you up to speed?"
You know. So we're in a session, right?
And my phone was going off, you know, and it was my mom.
My parents are getting older, and I feel this need to pick up.
And she goes, "You know, Hasan, I noticed something about you.
You know, sometimes we'll be in sessions,
and your phone will say 'Mom's cell' or 'Dad's cell,'
and you'll have this need to pick up.
Why?
Can we talk about boundaries?"
And I'm like, "Janet... get the [bleep] out of here!
Like, this session is over! How do I get you to understand?"
Because you don't get it. You don't get it, Jimmy.
Look. Look. You guys are individualists.
We're collectivists. Yes, our parents are annoying,
but we don't let them die in nursing homes.
Do you -- Do you get it? How do I get you to understand?
Look, look, look. So this is what I did.
I noticed Janet had a dog.
So you know how you would do anything for your dog?
-Of course. -That's how we feel
about our parents.
Like, even if they [bleep] on the floor,
we'll still love them.
So -- So Janet had a dog, right?
And, so, before my session,
I changed it from "Mom's cell" to "Dog's cell,"
and my phone went off, you know,
and I was like, "Oh, my God, Janet, my dog.
It's about my dog. Should I pick up?"
She's like, "Oh, my God! Yes! Pick up! It's your dog!"
And I was just like, "Yo, what's up dog? Are you good?"
And I go, "Listen, Janet.
You know, my dog, she needs her insulin.
Should I -- Should I go give her insulin?
Or should I establish boundaries and tell her what's what?"
She's like, "No, no, no! Don't! Your dog needs you!"
And I'm like, "I know, and one could even argue
my Golden Doodle gave birth to me,
so I feel like I really owe her."
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. You get it. You get it.
-I feel like -- I feel like --
-What? -I can feel it in the audience.
I've kind of -- I've lost some of the dog people.
You guys are in your feelings right now.
-Yeah. Dog people. -Yeah, you're like, "Oh, no.
I left my dog at a babysitter just to be here."
You left your dog at a dog babysitter.
You left your dog at [bleep] Puptopia.
-Hey, hey, hey!
-Yeah, and every hour on the hour,
Puptopia is sending you a photo of your d--
"Oh, it's hot outside, but Chauncey's doing great."
And it's just -- And it's a photo
of your dumb dog looking at the like, "Err..."
It doesn't even know what a camera is.
But if you got a photo of your mother on the hour,
every hour, just...
"It's a warm day, but Christine just had her medicine." And...
You would be like, "This woman is a lot.
She needs to respect my boundaries."
-Are you not a dog -- Are you not a dog person?
-No. I just understand what they are.
[ Laughter ] Do you get what I'm saying?
Like, you have a dog, right?
-Yeah, I do, yeah. -What's your dog's name?
-Gary. -So that's not a dog, Jimmy.
That's an emotional butler.
Okay? It's just all love, no consequences.
Do you understand? Giving you everything you need.
No, no. You love your dog and you love your mother.
-Yeah. -But only one of them
gets to live in your house.
[ Audience oohs ]
Oh! Oh! Oh! That's right, America.
-America? -But best believe
the moment your dog is able to talk
and is like -- [Barking]
"Why are your pillowcases so dirty?!"
You'd be like, "Gary...get out of here."
-Yeah.
Get lost. -Get lost.
If I'm gonna be talked to this way,
I'll just live with my mother.
Now, I'll also say this.
I respect dogs, okay? But I know what they are.
Have you ever been to India? -No.
-I got to take you to India.
So, you go to any other part of the world,
dogs are -- They're, like, dogs.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, if you're walking down an alleyway in India,
they'll go, "Don't go down that alleyway.
There's dogs there!" Like, they're in gangs.
They can stand upright. They carry guns.
-In India, the dogs carry guns.
-Yeah, this is like an inbred, just, animal that's here
to just love you all day, every day.
-Yeah. I love that.
-But that's -- But that's all love, no consequences.
That's not real love.
Real love comes from cat people.
They get real love.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Because you get -- you get no love,
but infinite consequences.
Like, every time you come home to your cat, you're just like,
"Oh, Oreo, I love you."
And Oreo is like, "Get away from me.
Prove it. Yeah. What have you done?"
[ Laughter ]
Show evidence to your face.
Yeah. So I will always respect cat people.
Because you will never be loved by your cat,
and you still come back.
-I just want to say to your therapist --
Janet, call me, please. Hasan Minhaj, everybody.
For tickets to "Off with His Head,"
go to HasanMinhaj.com.