♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-President Biden returned to the White House today
after Queen Elizabeth's funeral.
Of course, now he's calling it his flat.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, 80% of Americans said
that they have not cried about the death of Queen Elizabeth,
while the other 20% said,
"No spoilers!"
[ Laughter ]
President Biden appeared for an interview
on last night's episode of "60 Minutes,"
or as it was known yesterday,
"600 Minutes."
[ Laughter ]
"I ever tell you about the time I almost met Warren G. Harding?"
[ Laughter ]
According to new poll, President Biden's
approval rating has hit an 11-month high.
Wow! Inflation really is out of control.
[ Laughter ]
Attorney General Merrick Garland administered
the oath of allegiance on Saturday
to 200 new U.S. citizens during a naturalization ceremony
on Ellis Island and said, "We must not allow the fractures
between us to fracture our democracy,"
which must have been alarming for the new citizens.
"Congratulations! Enjoy it while it lasts."
[ Laughter ]
After Florida governor Ron DeSantis sent two planes
of migrants to Martha's Vineyard last week,
Texas governor Greg Abbott bused dozens of migrants
to Vice President Kamala Harris' residence in Washington, D.C.
Okay. What's going on with these governors?
It's like we radicalized the Impractical Jokers.
[ Laughter ]
"Okay, now go up to him and give him a bus ticket."
[ Laughter ]
In his speech in Ohio over the weekend,
former president Trump said that he had a
"very luxurious and enjoyable life"
before he entered politics.
Dude, you didn't enter politics.
You went straight to president without even trying.
Don't make it sound like you gave up your medical practice
to go door-to-door, campaigning for city comptroller.
You had a nice house,
and then, for a while,
you had two nice houses.
[ Laughter ]
Two radio hosts in New Jersey are facing criticism
after voicing support for teachers
who have been accused of having sex with students.
For what it's worth, the radio hosts have issued an apology
and a genuinely remorseful sound effect.
[ Sad trombone ]
[ Laughter ]
Kanye West announced last week that he has terminated
his partnership with the clothing company Gap.
Instead, he's going with Ann Taylor Loft.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, producers have announced
that "Phantom of the Opera," which is the longest-running
Broadway show, will close next year.
Said one man, "Oh, sure, right when masks become optional."
[ Laughter ]
"I was gonna leave it on!"
[ Laughter ]
President Biden claimed in a new interview
that the coronavirus pandemic is over.
Well, easy for him to say -- he just had it.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, it's over when you've got the antibodies.
"I'm off to Burning Man and then London for the Queen's funeral.
No masks. No masks."
CBS is facing criticism over its decision to end coverage
of Queen Elizabeth's funeral yesterday
in order to air episodes of "Let's Make a Deal,"
and "The Price is Right."
Though, if you're a fan of those two shows,
you've probably seen plenty of funerals.
[ Laughter ]
That's right -- They cut away from Queen Elizabeth's funeral
yesterday to air episodes of "Let's Make a Deal"
and "The Price is Right," or as the British Empire
used to call those, foreign policy.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump has reportedly said
that Florida governor Ron DeSantis stole his idea
to send migrants to different states.
Also, his idea of
standing like it's your first time.
[ Laughter ]
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos recently dropped
on the Bloomberg Billionaire Index
to the third-richest person in the world.
He lost his spot when he bought a Tesla.
[ Laughter ]
Former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo spoke this morning
at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics speaker series,
titled, "Politics and Eggs,"
I assume as one of the eggs?
[ Laughter ]
I-I assume.
[ Laughter ]
It wasn't a joke. It was an assumption.
I don't...
Pompeo criticized President Biden
for his recent speech attacking the MAGA movement,
and said, quote, "Treating your countryman like enemies
is a rejection of the principles that make America great."
Oh, so maybe they were chanting "Hug Mike Pence."
[ Laughter ]
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Quarterback Tom Brady apologized
on Sunday after throwing a tablet on the sidelines.
To be fair, new technology
can be hard for boomers to figure out.
[ Laughter ]
A lawyer in Kentucky was recently suspended
after he allegedly offered to help a defendant
in exchange for nude photos.
It's the rare case of a lawyer trying to get himself off.
[ Laughter ]
Scollins? Yeah, Scollins.
And finally, Christmas is now less than 100 days away.
Or, if you ask Costco, six.
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's Wednesday,
so it's time for Donald Trump's crime of the week.
What is it this week?
Did he tie a lady to some train tracks?
Did he blow up city hall?
Oh, massive tax fraud, the old classic.
[ Laughter ]
New York attorney general Letitia James today
filed an over-200-page civil fraud lawsuit
against former president Trump, several of his children,
business partners in The Trump Organization.
I'd say he needs a good lawyer,
but that's been true for a while now.
[ Laughter ]
In the new lawsuit filed today,
New York attorney general Letitia James
alleges that The Trump Organization
deceived lenders, insurers, and tax officials
by inflating the value of its properties.
Even worse, he listed himself as 6'7" on his Tinder profile.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden hosted a reception today
at New York's American Museum of Natural History,
where he also spent some time catching up with old friends.
"Chompy!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's been ages, Chompy.
Ohh! Oh, God, no, Chompy."
[ Laughter ]
"What did they do to you, Chompy?"
[ Laughter ]
Russia announced plans to hold an annexation vote
in occupied portions of Ukraine.
And this is cool -- They also announced
what the results of the vote will be.
[ Laughter ]
You don't have to stay up late.
[ Laughter ]
According to the latest numbers,
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's net worth
decreased this year by more than $71 billion.
No wonder he wants to live in the metaverse.
He can't afford a place in San Francisco anymore.
[ Laughter ]
The 22nd annual Congressional Basketball Game
was held on Monday night,
and the team of Congress people beat the team of lobbyists.
Or -- just throwing this out there -- they let you win.
[ Laughter ]
A man in Kentucky recently set a Guinness world record
after driving a mile in reverse in just over 75 seconds.
He then smartly refused the breathalyzer.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, what? I set a world record?
Alright!"
According to new survey, 3% of Americans
said that they have waited in a line for over eight hours.
"Well, we're still not opening a second register,"
said CVS.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, officials from the CDC said this week
that there was a 26% rise in syphilis infections
reported last year.
Well, good luck with that.
We couldn't even get people to wear masks.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden addressed the UN General Assembly yesterday
and said that the Russian invasion of Ukraine
"is about extinguishing Ukraine's right
to exist as a state,"
and 9 out of 10 times, I agree we shouldn't do that.
[ Laughter ]
In the same speech, President Biden addressed
the ongoing invasion in Ukraine
and said, "Russia has shamefully violated the core tenets
of the United Nations Charter,
not to mention the dress code.
[ Laughter ]
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy
addressed the UN General Assembly yesterday
in a pre-recorded speech,
and it must have been very pre-recorded,
'cause he said, "Everything's great."
[ Laughter ]
The House yesterday voted 229 to 203
to overhaul the Electoral Count Act.
Though, somehow that wasn't a majority.
[ Laughter ]
Always put math in the jokes.
[ Laughter ]
People love to do that math.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden issued a major disaster declaration
yesterday for Puerto Rico,
but thankfully Governor DeSantis is already sending help.
[ Laughter ]
In an interview on Fox News last night,
former President Trump defended
his handling of sensitive materials
and said that he had the power to declassify documents
"even by thinking about it."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, great.
So, on top of everything else, Trump has The Shining.
Well...
[ Laughter ]
...that explains his luck with hotels.
[ Laughter ]
In the same interview, former President Trump claimed
that the agents who raided his Mar-a-Lago home
took his will and said it could "cause a lot of problems
if it's published,"
'cause not everyone made the cut.
[ Laughter ]
A banner was raised in Madison Square Garden
last night celebrating...
[ Women cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
Get it out of your system. He's not here.
[ Laughter ]
He's not gonna see this. He's not gonna know you cheered.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
And, by the way, buddy, if you are watching,
I'm so sorry I said that.
We'd love to have you.
If you're in your hotel after a concert right now
relaxing with "Late Night" and you just saw that joke,
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it, buddy.
[ Laughter ]
A banner was raised in Madison Square Garden
last night celebrating Harry Styles'
15 nights of concerts.
"Plenty of room up there," said Knicks fans.
[ Laughter ]
World champs -- 1973.
Harry Styles.
[ Laughter ]
Today was the first day of fall,
and due to climate change, this is how the leaves are changing.
That was taken in Vermont.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Taco Bell has announced
that it will begin testing its new meatless carne asada
next month at dozens of locations in Dayton, Ohio,
raising the question --
how many Taco Bells does Dayton, Ohio, need?
[ Laughter ]
But true story -- I tried to book a flight
to Dayton today after I heard this news,
and they were available.
[ Laughter ]
That was a monologue, everybody!