LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES,
MY FIRST GUEST IS THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW
FROM "THE SOPRANOS," "NURSE JACKIE," AND "OZ."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EDIE FALCO.
♪ OH, EDIE FALCO EDIE FALCO ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: EDIE FALCO.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I AM A FAN, I THINK AS I TOLD YOU SIX
YEARS IN 2014 WHEN YOU WERE ON THE OLD GIG--
>> SO THAT HASN'T GONE AWAY.
>> Stephen: HAS NOT GONE AWAY.
STILL A FAN.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: SIX YEARS.
HOW HAVE THE LAST SIX YEARS BEEN FOR YOU?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> OH, NOT MUCH.
>> Stephen: THE WORLD JUST GRINDS ON.
>> YES, YOU KNOW, DAY AFTER DAY, SAME OLD-SAME OLD.
>> Stephen: DO YOU BECOME ANXIOUS OVER THE CONDITION OF
THE WORLD?
>> YEAH, I SPEND A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME WATCHING CNN.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M A LITTLE OBSESSED.
THAT AND MSNBC, IF THEY GO TO A DOG COMMERCIAL, I HAVE TO CHANGE
TO MSNBC, BUT BACK AND FORTH.
>> Stephen: SO MSNBC IS BETTER THAN A DOG COMMERCIAL.
>> YOU KNOW-- YES, IT IS.
I'M TERRIFIED OF MISSING WHATEVER THE LATEST LITTLE PIECE
OF NEWS IS.
>> Stephen: IT WILL FIND YOU.
>> ODDLY ENOUGH -- >> Stephen: IT WILL FIND YOU.
>> I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT IS HEAT-SEEKING NEWS.
>> AND THAT IS MY FEAR, IT WILL FIND ME BIFER KNOW.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU CALM DOWN THEN?
WE ALL NEED EYE BAKE ON THE WEEKENDS.
>> I SEW.
>> Stephen: YOU SEW?
>> YES.
MY GRANDMOTHER UOTHER ORIGINAL EDIE FALCO --
>> Stephen: YOU WERE NAMED AFTER HER?
>> I WAS.
I WAS NAMED AFTER MY FATHER'S
MOTHER.
AND SHE WAS A SEAMSTRESS, WHICH IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
I DISCOVERED SEWING ON MY OWN, LITTLE TINY STITCHES.
IT'S A LITTLE PSYCHOTIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?
ONE CANNOT JUST STITCH SOMETHING?
>> FABRIC, USUALLY TWO TOGETHER.
>.>> Stephen: TWO PIECES TOGETHER IS ONE OF THE THINGS I
UNDERSTAND YOU STITCH WITH.
CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
>> I'M GETTING THERE, I'M GETTING THERE.
I MAKE LITTLE USELESS THINGS THAT NOBODY NEEDS OR WANTS, BUT
IT DOES NOT TAKE AWAY FROM THE JOY I GET FROM PUTTING THEM
TOGETHER WHEN THEY WEREN'T ORIGINALLY.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD OPEN A SHOP.
JUST CALL IT, "USELESS THINGS THAT NOBODY NEED OR WANTS."
>> I'M GOING TO TRY TO RIDE OUT THIS ACTING THING A LITTLE
LONGER.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE BIGGEST PROJECT YOU HAVE TAKEN ON?
>> I'VE UPHOLSTERED A NUMBER OF COUCHES.
>> Stephen: THAT IS HUGE.
I UPHOLSTER MED THE SEAT OF A WOODEN CHAIR ONCE.
IT TOOK ME SEVERAL DAYS.
>> I FIND THAT IMMENSELY -- >> Stephen: AND WHEN IT WAS
DONE, MY WIFE TOLD ME I PUT THE FABRIC ON INSIDE-OUT.
>> I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT.
>> Stephen: A COUCH IS A HUGE PROJECT.
>> IT'S A HUGE PROJECT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU SEW A COUCH?
>> I SEWED A COUCH BUT I DID IT TOTALLY WRONG.
I DID IT A SPECIAL WAY.
THERE WAS A LOT OF RUBBER CEMENT, INVOLVED BUT IT'S NOT
IMPORTANT.
>> Stephen: THE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO USE RUBBER CEMENT
WHEN YOU'RE SEWING?
>> IT STAYED ON, IT'S FINE.
>> Stephen: I WELDED A SWEATER ONCE.
>> HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?
I WENT TO CLEAN THIS COUCH THAT I HAD, YOU KNOW, LITTLE TEENY
STITCHED AND THERE WAS A LITTLE THING ON IT.
AND I WENT AND GOT A LITTLE SPRAY BOTTLE-- BLEACH.
>> Stephen: OH, NO.
>> YEAH, I SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYED THE COACH THEY
UPHOLSTERED SO NOW I HAVE ANOTHER PROJECT.
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE LIKE AN APLUCIA PONY.
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU AS A TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL AND
TALENTED ACTRESS, BUT I ASSUME HUTO DO SOME JOBS TO GET BY WHEN
YOU WERE STARTING OFF AS AN ACTOR.
>> OH, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO THE CLASSICS?
>> THE JOBS I'VE DONE.
>> Stephen: THE WAITER.
>> I DID THAT FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: FIVE YEARS.
>> CLOSER TO 20.
I WAS VERY GOOD.
I COULD HANDLE MANY, MANY TABLE AT ONCE.
>> Stephen: DON'T GET IN THE WEEDS.
>> I COULD HANDLE A LOT OF STUFF BUT DON'T TALK TO ME.
I COULDN'T-- IT WAS THE PEOPLE I HATED.
SO -- >> Stephen: FOOD.
>> FOOD, I COULD DO ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: FOOD WAS FINE.
>> GIVE ME AN EMPTY ROOM WITH 40 TABLES THAT NEED FOOD, BUT YOU
PEOPLE PEOPLE IN, AND THAT ARE SCREWED.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> I HAVE HAD MANY JOBS.
>> Stephen: HOW WERE THE TIPS?
>> NOT GREAT.
I'VE HAD COINS THROWN AT ME.
IT WAS ULTIMATELY A LITTLE SELF-DEFEATING.
>> Stephen: DID YOU MAKE A LOT OF MONEY DOING THIS?
>> NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
I DIDN'T.
BUT THIS WAS IN THE EARLY DAYS WHEN PEOPLE USED TO BE ABLE TO
LIVE IN NEW YORK FOR NOT AS MUCH MONEY.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> THIS IS GOING BACK A WAYS.
I DID THAT FOR A WHILE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR BEST TIP?
>> MY BEST TIP?
QUIT.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
WELL, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHEN PEOPLE WERE DRINKING HEAVILY,
AND I KEPT STROG BRING THEM OVER THE PITCHERS OF BEER, AND THE
GUY DROPPED THE $20 ON THE FLOOR, AND I JUST PUT MY FOOT
OVER IT AND CONTINUED-- AND I KIND OF WALKED AWAY LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S FAIR.
>> IT WAS NOT A GOOD MOMENT.
>> Stephen: IT'S FAIR.
>> IT WASN'T.
I'M STILL WORKING ON GETTING OVER THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: ANY OTHER JOBS PAYING THE BILLS?
>> MANY, MANY JOBS.
I ANSWERED PHONES AT A COSTUME SHOP.
THEY MADE A LOT OF BROADWAY COSTUMES.
>> Stephen: IS IT STILL THERE?
>> I DON'T EVEN.
I BET YOU IT IS.
>> Stephen: AND YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE AND SAID, "HELLO, YES,
WE HAVE THAT.
>> "WE HAVE THAT.
YOU CAN COME HERE AT 4:00 AND MEET SO-AND-SO."
LIZA MINNELLI WAS GETTING FITTEDLY IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME,
ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.
IT WAS A BIG DEAL FOR KIDS FROM LONG ISLAND.
NONETHELESS, LIZA GOES INTO THE FITTING, WE GET A PHONE CALL,
"IT'S JACK, I NEED TO TALK TO LIZA."
"SHE'S IN A FITTING."
"I NEED HER NOW."
THIS GUY WAS GETTING HEATED AND I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND NOBODY
ANSWERED AND I OPENED THE DOOR, AND LIZA MINNELLI WAS NAKED.
>> Stephen: WOW.
HOW DID SHE TAKE THE INTRUSION?
>> I BLACKED OUT.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT.
I HAVE VERY LITTLE MEMORY WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE MET HER SINCE THEN.
>> I HAVE MET HER SINCE THEN.
I DID NOT BRING IT UP.
DID NOT BRING IT UP.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: SHE'LL BE FINE WITH IT.
>> I KNOW SHE WATCHES THE SHOW ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: SHE WATCHES THIS SHOW OR YOUR SHOW?
>> YOUR SHOW.
>> Stephen: HELLO, LIZA.
I'M SURE IT WAS GLORIOUS.
>> AS AN ASIDE I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE SUCH A SMART, SMART
MAN, AND I AM SO GRATEFUL YOU ARE ON TV.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE NICE.
I WORK WITH A LOT OF SMART, SMART PEOPLE.
I SOUND SMART BECAUSE OF THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> YOU SAY SMART THINGS AND YOU MAKE ME CALMER, THAT'S ALL.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
THAT'S PART OF THE JOB.
WE WANT TO MAKE YOU CALMER.
>> I WATCH YOUR SHOW AND I CALM DOWN.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: SEND ME A LITTLE OUTFIT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: SEW ME A COUCH.
KNIT ME A CAR.
YOU HAVE A NEW CBS SHOW.
WE'RE ALL IN THE FAMILY NOW.
>> I DO, YES.
>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED "TOMMY," WHERE IF I'M NOT
MISTAKEN YOU PLAY THE FIRST FEMALE POLICE CHIEF OF
LOS ANGELES.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU-- WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE, MADAM-- AND I
REMIND YOU, YOU'RE UNDER OATH.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE POLICE?
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR OWN RUN-INS?
>> MY REAL-LIFE EXPERIENCE?
WELL, I TRY NOT TO USE THE "WOMAN ON A TV SHOW" THING BUT I
DO SOMETIMES.
I'VE BEEN PULLED OVER, AND I TURN MY HEAD A LITTLE MORE THAN
UNDER OTHER SERIES, I'VE NEVER PAID A TICKET.
AND FROM THIS POINT ON I WILL BECAUSE I JUST SAID THAT YOU.
>> Stephen: DRIVE A CAR IN NEW YORK CITY?
>> I DRIVE A CAR, BUT I DRIVE A VESPER.
>> Stephen: YOU DRIVE A VESPER.
>> I DRIVE A VESPA.
IT'S THE BEST THING EVER.
I JUST GOT AN ELECTRIC ONE.
>> Stephen: IT SOUNDS A LITTLE DANGEROUS.
IT'S NOT ROME.
>> ROME IS DANGEROUS.
THIS IS REALLY PRETTY CALM.
I DRIVE IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC, AND SOMETIMES I GO A LITTLE
FAST.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GO UP ON THE SIDEWALKS AND STUFF LIKE
THAT?
>> NO-- ONE TIME.
>> Stephen: THE COPS STOP YOU ON YOUR VESPA?
>> THERE ARE SOME VERY LOVELY COPS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RIGHT IN
THE WEST VILLAGE, AND THEY'VE COME TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BIT.
AND IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING.
WHOOP!
AND THEY GO, "EDIE!" AND I GO, "I'M SORRY."
EVENTUALLY THEY WILL HAVE TO GIVE ME A TICKET, BUT THUS FAR
THEY HAVE BEEN VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS CLIP?
>> I'M THE CHIEF OF POLICE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELES.
>> AND WE'RE IN LOS ANGELES.
>> Stephen: BUT I THINK YOU'RE A NEW YORKER, RIGHT?
>> I AM, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: JAMES.
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE FOR YOU TO GO OUT THERE, CHIEF.
I'LL TAKE THIS GUY.
THE LAST THING I NEED SAY SECURITY DETAIL WORRIED ABOUT
HURTING HIS DRINKING HAND.
>> I'M NOT BORDER NOTHING.
>> NOT IN THAT SUIT.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> BRONX.
>> HICKSVILLE.
>> LONG ISLAND?
>> HICKSVILLE IS NOT HICKSVILLE.
>> HICKSVILLE IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET A BAGEL.
HIXSVILLE IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET A SLICE.
>> YOU CAN?
>> HERE.
>> I'VE GOT A GUY.
>> A REAL NEW YORK SLICE?
DIAZ, THESE ARE INVALUABLE SKILLS.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
YOU AS WELL.
>> Stephen: "TOMMY" PREMIERES NEXT THURSDAY AT 10:00 P.M. ON
CBS.
EDIE FALCO, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN FORTUNE FEIMSTER.