so in the past I've done some work with
bug Big Brother Big Sister and whatever
that being said that the most common
story I tend to hear from conflicted
youth is that they write they're raised
in a single-family home usually with a
mom daddy's there on the picture and
alcoholic whatever what I would have
rather so we have this child who is
trying to seek ways to make himself
healthy and empower himself in a ways
that a healthy father should have done
so you know between the formative years
of like 1 to 4 so I think you know I'm
going with this how let's say for
someone who born without like a good
father figure where would they go out in
the world or like what four spheres of
influence would they try to expose
themselves to to like gain access to
that fountain of health and knowledge
that a father a good father figure
should have provided them to in the
first place ok well partly I mean
certainly to some degree a good mother
can provide that right to some degree
although it's hard for one person to be
everything right you know and I think
one of the conundrums that face women
and this is a tough one and this is why
I think women are higher and trade
agreeableness and higher and trade
negative emotion is that you know the
primary problem that a woman has with an
infant is why not throw it out a window
because it's very annoying right I mean
it sits there all the time it's constant
demand it's absolutely constant a man
tremendous dependency and so a woman has
to be tilted towards mercy that's how it
looks to me and especially during it's
so important during the especially the
first year when children are so
unbelievably vulnerable and so I think
it's very difficult for women to be
merciful like that and to make the shift
to encouraging disciplinarian I think
that's a very difficult thing for people
to do simultaneously although you know
people people I'm not saying that women
are always only merciful and men are
always only encouraging disciplinarians
but things do sort themselves out to
some degree like that and I think also
the biochemical transformations that
accompany pregnancy and childbirth and
lactation also tilt a mother towards
that as well she has to really love that
little thing right it's it's number one
no matter what it demands and and then
telling it what to do and making sure
it's behaving properly that's that's a
whole different issue
no but the kids who lack fathers I mean
first of all they can find that to some
degree
they're friends and that's often look
farther this boys do in particular they
they go into gangs and they generate the
missing men masculinity in the game well
that's not so good because like what the
hell do they know well they don't know
anything right they're just stupid kids
and they're like 15 years old and their
testosterone is pumping and they're
trying to get the hell away from their
mother which is what they're supposed to
do and and they're not in the right
position to exercise any authority over
themselves so that's that's not good
they can find it in education they can
find it in books they can find it movies
they can find it in sports heroes and so
forth because the image of the father is
fragmented and distributed among the
community but it's very very difficult
to not have a father and you know one of
the things that we're doing in our
society which i think is I think it's
absolutely appalling is that we're
making the case that all families are
equal it's like sorry
No wrong then there's no empirical data
supporting that proposition by the way
it's much better for kids to have two
parents know who those parents are
that's a whole different issue okay and
if I could just uh one more thing
um how would you ask that question to
let's see a daughter who was raised on
her father because she would obviously
have different ways to find those
fragments of her missing father than
like a boy would instead cuz obviously
they're raised differently at least they
should have been well I think it's the
same issue you know I mean I think that
another danger that emerges mrs. Freud's
of course famous observation is that you
know if there's mom and child were
farther in child that relationship can
get a little closer than it should and
then the lions get blurry and mixed and
I'm not saying that that happens to
everyone
obviously but but it's still a danger
that that's inherent in the situation
their thrust together too tightly
without sufficient resources and so the
responsibility has to be distributed
more and like I really do think that
it's the sign of the degeneration of a
society when that when when single
parenthood becomes anything
approximating the norm it's not a good
idea and part of the reason I believe
that and I think this has to do with the
overwhelming selfishness of modern life
is that marriage isn't for the people
who are married it's for the children
obviously and like if you can't handle
that grow the hell up
Sirdar means seriously yeah seriously
once you once you once you have kids it
is not about you
period now that doesn't mean it isn't
about you at all but that just seems so
self-evident to me I can't believe that
anybody would even would even question
it
oh it's oh yes well I'm certainly aware
of that yes it's questioned it's almost
illegal to question it now you know - -
or illegal to make the set of
propositions that I'm making so that's
the best I can do excellent thank you
[Applause]