- I am from the gorgeous, Caucasian haven
of Boston, Massachusetts.
To all the white people in the room, hello,
so good to see you again.
You all look exactly the same to me.
I lived in New York for the past six years,
which was a really great place for me to learn
that I have absolutely no standards or respect for myself.
I lived, for the last three years,
with a woman that I met on Craigslist.
She was a dog walker, she told me she was 30,
she was, say it with me, 48, 48 years old.
She was 48 and she lied, ah-ha!
But it was cool, actually, because there was laundry
in the building.
One day, she asked if her parents could stay the weekend,
I'm a reasonable roommate, I was like, yeah,
of course, no worries.
That weekend was, say it with me, nine months long!
Nine months, I lived with her old parents for nine months!
They would wake up and boil eggs at four in the morning,
just because they could!
But it was actually really cool and moving
because there was laundry in the building.
It's just not the way that I imagined my early 20s,
you know, like I always saw myself off the coast of Greece,
eyes closed on the back of a Vespa,
wearing one pair of jeans I'm sharing with my four
very differently sized friends,
and instead it was a lot more moments of looking down
at a subway grate and realizing I'm looking at a rat,
also the rat is looking directly back at me.
I can now tell the gender of a rat just by looking at it.
He is a man, we are going out to Tapas next Friday,
so see how that goes.
I live in LA right now, which is really cool.
Yeah, but I've been having sort of a creepy problem.
I can't stop running into Hime.
It's just I can't stop running into Hime.
If you're not familiar with Hime,
Hime is a group of any three white women
with mid-length hair who look like they were born
in Urban Outfitters and raised in an anthropology,
so, like, be on the look out for that.
I've been dating, which is really great
because I'm addicted to trauma.
It's a little tricky dating, though, right now,
because I had a kid.
Sorry, I misspoke, I had an ingrown hair so large,
I had to go to an urgent care center to get it removed,
there it is, yeah, that one, mm-hm.
Hmm!
Now, it is a really cool time right now, though,
to be dating as a black woman.
Like, it's just very inspiring to know, like,
Rosa Parks died so that I could date white DJs
whose aspirations are just to be louder, whiter DJs.
Like, my parents came to this country
so I could get UTIs from men named Casey.
I do this for them, it's not for me, it's for them.
I am an intersectional feminist,
by which I mean I eat bread and look like shit
in Los Angeles, uh, resist.
My parents are not very into feminism.
They're very Christian, very conservative.
Yes, black people can be ignorant too.
My dad, especially, he's like, ah,
you women with your yelling and your reading
and your voting, you know, and I get it,
but feminism, it's not an option.
It's vital if we want our society to improve in any regard,
not just for women.
Regardless of gender at all.
Like, for real, I shouldn't have to look in the mirror
and hate myself because of the patriarchy
and the male gaze, you know?
Like, I should be able to look in the mirror,
look myself right in the eyes and hate myself
because I'm a piece of shit and I deserve it, you know?
It's like one for me.
It's a tough time to be a black woman,
it's an even worse time to be a white guy.
No, I mean that, truly, seriously,
to all the white men in the house,
I just want to say in solidarity, howdy brothers, okay?
Howdy.
I see every single one of you, I do, it's tough.
White guys, I feel like you get characterized
so much in the media as being very angry,
very irate and violent,
but I feel like the white dudes, and I know it's like,
a lot of anxiety, they're all trying
to be just like ally number one, you know,
I love you, I help you, I hear you, ut-ta-ta-ta,
and it's like, I don't know.
They're all this competition to be like the wokest boy,
which is also the title of the Timothee Chalamet movie
I'm writing.
It's just him and Lucas Hedges fighting to the death.
It's seven hours long and A24 already paid me
16 billion dollars, which is cool, so I'm rich now.
I like seeing that nervous energy though,
like that active allyship.
I was in a DSW the other day
'cause I'm addicted to the soles of my shoes falling off,
and there was one guy working on the floor,
like the only dude, and I've never seen anybody work as hard
as I've seen this man work.
I mean like sweating beads down his face,
just running around trying to help every single woman.
It's a DSW, it's the Forever 21 of shoes.
It's war, it's hell, we're screaming,
we're like more, more, more!
I didn't get to go to the women's march
but I imagine that's what that felt like.
He's running around and we're loving it, we're like, yeah!
And this woman, who also works there,
she comes over and she's like, hey!
You guys need any help, can I help you get anything?
And we're like, baby, it is International Women's Day today.
It wasn't before, it is now, quit your job, relax,
get some fricking shoes, lay back, have this dude help us.
She's like, awesome, love that, really quick question,
who is that man?
Turned out he didn't work there,
he was just touching feet for free.
But, you know, that's just to say it,
fellas, your allyship can look like
whatever you want it to.
Really, really an open book on that one.
Growing up in Boston, it's a very white place,
very secretly racist.
By which I mean very white, sorry for being redundant.
And I say that and, a lot of times, people are like,
ah, that must have been so hard growing up
without any peers you can really relate to,
that must have been very isolating,
and I'm like, yeah, thanks for bringing that back up,
but, you know, I actually have so many beautiful,
powerful memories from growing up there
that just touch my heart a lot,
and one that I would love to share with you
is the day that I fucking left and, literally,
never came back.