- In 1912,
I can still smell the fresh paint.
The china had never been used.
Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams, and it was.
It really was.
Did I nail it?
(laughing) That was better than what I had.
- I have some special guests on this episode.
It's going to be my puppies and also two of my favorite people in the world.
Don't tell one of them that I like the other one better.
Wait are they here?
- Which dog of mine do you like the most?
- Uh, it's a tie between Pesto and Emma.
But I feel responsible for bringing Kimbop into the world.
- You were with me when I adopted Kimbop!
(laughing) How dare you!
You can’t say you're his adoptive mom and then put him last in the rank!
- Someone's got to be last.
- That's true.
He is a little crazy.
- Look at this chill dog.
- Okay, by the end of this video, you're going to reconnect with Kimbop.
You're going to really reconnect with him.
- Yeah.
- What do you do? I turn and say the word.
(laughing) That’s what I do!
(laughing) Oh!
We both have the same show, basically.
- We both go...
The Egg McMuffin. (Eugene says gibberish)
(laughing)
What?
- Would you rather be trapped in an elevator with an ex or a crying baby?
- An ex. - With an ex.
- 100%. - 100%.
(in unison) 100%.
(in unison) 1000%.
- Take the baby...
(in unison) ...out of the elevator.
- Oh, you have to hold this one.
You can you know, push it like that.
(banging)
Ah!
- Sorry, Mom.
- Oh, my god.
Oh, don't do that.
- Sorry.
- Fried fish filet with half a piece of cheese.
And I don't know why it's a half, but it always is a half.
- Because cheese are not naturally occurring in the ocean.
I have not had this much soda since I was 13,
and when I was 13, I was still in the closet.
(laughing)
Eh, but I’m still depressed.
(sad music playing)
(Try Team laughing)
Maybe that's why I created a show where I...
judge things...
(distorted) I’m right.
...from the safety of an emotional distance.
(distorted) You’re wrong!
I put things in order because my own life is in such disarray.
(distorted) Shut up!
B**ch.
- Becky is joining me again to do what we do best:
(in unison) Drink!
- I need a little more. - And a twist...
- Eugene!
- Becky.
- Keith told me before I left,
“Don't get too drunk with Eugene.”
- Well, is Keith here?
- No, but he’s coming later.
- People love the crazy antics that Keith ad Eugene get into.
- Hashtag Keugene.
I was trying to do it the other way around.
(cutely) Keugene.
(laughing)
(in unison) Keugene!
- Lowe’s is better.
- Wait, do you prefer Lowe’s over Home Depot?
Well, I prefer Lowe’s because of their political st...
Home Depot gives so much money to the Trump people.
They were so bad. - Oh f**k!
(bucket clanging) But...
But Lowe's often isn't as good, and I want them to be better.
- We can't have a Trump bucket.
- No.
- Oh, there’s a Lowe’s bucket?
- If we have a Lowe’s bucket, this is going to be the greatest video of all time.
(garbled) Oh.
(laughing)
- Wait what’s your...say the catchphrase.
- Sprite:
It'll get all over the place. Hmm.
- Mm!
Oh, you look so...
dumb.
(laughing)
- You sat in front of your color.
- You’re camouflaged. -I was sitting in front of this: “best.”
(laughing) - Oh, what does that say about Becky?
- I don't know.
She sat next to “worst.”
What does that say about it? - There’s about to be a rank divorce.
(laughing)
Real soon.
- I know a lot about divorce.
(laughing) Don’t kiss me.
Are we gonna kiss? - I’m not gonna kiss you!
- Don’t kiss me. - We’re not horny this episode.
- You looked like you were gonna kiss me.
- I was looking at you longingly.
- You looked me in the eyes.
- You've been watching way too much Shondaland.
(helicopter sounds)
- It's the horny police.
(laughing)
- They’re gonna spray us with water.
- I do keep coming back to it.
- Yeah, your mouth keeps coming around it.
- Yeah, okay.
(laughing)
- This is why they spit.
- Mm hmm.
- But I'm just swallowing.
- You a swallower?
- Just swallowing left and right.
- You usually swallow?
- Uh huh.
- We're getting real hard today.
- Real hard.
- Super hard.
- So hard.
- See that squirt?
Yeah, it squirted hard.
(laughing)
- Can I sit like this or is this too sexy?
- If I eat it like this,
you're going to Photoshop it into a d**k.
I know it.
- Wait, now just hold it in your mouth.
Open your mouth real wide, now shove it in slowly.
Yeah. (laughing)
- Okay, I’m just gonna take a bite.
- Honestly, I’d rather you talk about c*m trees
than just c*m.
(laughing)
(laughing) And I’m being completely frank.
- F**king horny police back.
- Horny police!
- Quick, say something horny!
- Oh!
Noah Centineo is hotter before he talks.
(laughing)
Did you see that tweet?
(laughing)
- [Becky] Then I would be scooped up into his big, strong, furry gay arms.
(laughing)
- This Rank King is slowly turning into a Jonathan Bailey appreciation video.
- Um, every video should be a Jonathan Bailey appreciation video
- You're not getting horny on this Rank King, Becky!
- She met him and she's like, “Oh,
I want to see what else is up there,” you know?
- Or down there.
(laughing) Oh!
- What’s the biggest d**k you’ve ever seen?
- The biggest d**k I’ve ever seen?
Zach’s!
(Eugene groans)
Like, huge.
- Actually, you know, the first d**k I...yeah.
Was huge. - Yeah.
- I’ve really never encountered a lot of giant d**ks in person.
Yet.
(laughing)
- When's the last time you stuck a strawberry and kiwi in your mouth at the same time?
- Not in a long time. - For me,
not since the backrooms of Berlin.
(laughing)
I don’t know why I said that.
I have been to a backroom in Berlin.
But nothing happened to me.
My friend...
did stuff in the back rooms.
I just watched, but I had nowhere else to go, so I just stood there watching.
It was very awkward.
And then this old guy was watching me.
It was very weird. But we were in this room.
- How many people were in this room?
It’s a back room!
A dark room! Do you know what dark rooms are?
- Like where you do pictures?
(laughing slyly) No, no, no pictures allowed.
And so it's like a just a maze or a dark room where people can do stuff.
- So it’s just a room where the lights are off
and you can... - Mm hmm.
Yeah, so there's like holes and stuff to like...
You know. - Holes!
Y’all know!
- Could I go there or would they know?
Would they be like “Ma’am...”
- You would... - “Ma’am!”
(laughing)
(laughing) “Ma’am!”
(laughing) “Not for you, ma’am!”
- Do you like my dogs outfits?
- Yes.
- I think Emma looks like a slutty little schoolgirl.
(laughing) No, she doesn’t!
- [Eugene] So it’s still a thin burger,
but there’s more...
- A skinty little bitch if you ask me.
- God.
(laughing) Alright, let’s try it.
- Why would you say “skinty”?
- Skinty little bitch.
- Oh, f**k.
(laughing) Sorry!
- Goes everywhere.
- Eh, you’re used to that.
- Gross.
- He’s so dirty.
- I'm sorry.
Is your mom watching?
- Probably.
(Becky gasps) I’m sorry.
Hi, Betsy!
- Betsy!
- I’m right,
you're wrong,
shut up, stupid.
(laughing)
- What do you say, Matt?
You better watch yourself.
- You're going to find some chips in your bed later.
- No, that’s my bed, too!
That’s my bed! I’m not doing anything wrong.
- I’m never putting you two together again.
- You’re gonna find Taki dust all over your makeup.
(laughing)
- In Rate the Menu,
are we talking about nutritional aspects?
- No, we’re talking about c*m!
(laughing)
- I think c*m is far more nutritional.
- Okay.
- Cherry Coke. Was that a big thing?
- Oh, yes. Well all pop.
- Vanilla Coke.
(record scratch)
- Ew.
- Ugh!
- Ew!
- I love Vanilla Coke. It’s so good.
- God!
Why am I with... - Are you...
- I’m really upset. - Are you okay?
Like blink twice if you wanna come live with me and Keith.
(laughing)
- Not a party in my mouth.
It's like a wake. (funeral bell)
- I don't know. There's something about when I bit into the Egg McMuffin
I was like, this is bringing me back.
It's bringing back to
1912, when the Titanic took her maiden voyage.
- Above Tiana.
- No!
- No, no, no, no! - But the Rank King has spoken.
- I'm putting it fifth right now.
- Above the fish?
(laughing)
- Did you hear my laugh?
- Yeah.
- Can you play back that laugh?
(Eugene laughing demonically)
What?
I've never laughed like that in my life.
It was like a... (mocks laugh)
- I think it’s gonna end up over here.
- No, no. Will you...
- Yeah!
Astrology, bitches.
- I'm right. You're wrong.
I'm not going to say shut up to him because he was giving me the look
like he’s gonna get mad at me later.
- Next!
- I do think I should do one of those IV therapies after these
‘cause I'm super dehydrated.
- Oh, I got that.
You got it?
- No, but I have a needle in my bag.
- Okay. Not the same.
- For sewing things.
- Oh!
- I can pour water on your face as I jab you with the needle.
- That could do it, I guess.