So just a heads up before I start this video, for those of
you that are looking for something uplifting and chipper,
this is not that video today.
May I recommend our cat cafe video or perhaps our visit to the Sailor Moon cafe?
So as some of you already know, I suffer from chronic pain,
but what I haven't told you guys is that I also suffer from chronic depression.
So normally, I don't talk a lot about my illness,
because I like to use humor to cope with it; it's kinda my thing that I like to do.
But lately, I've read a lot of emails and comments from people who are also suffering from chronic pain and
depression. And while it makes me super happy to hear that my videos can motivate and inspire people
I also realized I've never really shared with you how I cope with my depression.
Since you are only able to see videos that I choose to put out,
you only see videos of me being happy and frolicking at like a maid cafe, and
eating wonderful, gourmet sushi, and visiting the Sailor Moon cafe
and I seem like this super happy person. That super happy person is me.
But there are also days that are miserable, and crappy, and I never document them on camera
and share them with you, because I think that they would make you feel just miserable.
But on the other hand, I don't want to paint an inaccurate or unattainable way of living
with chronic pain or depression. So what I want to do today is open up to you guys and talk to you
very honestly about how I handle my depression.
Whaaaat? Depression? How can Martina be depressed?
Look at her hair - it's like a unicorn. Look at my outfit; it's totally made for a five year old,
but I was like I can fit into this, and I'm really happy that I can, because it makes me feel happy
to wear lion-shaped clothing, and I think everyone should have lion-shaped clothing in their life.
So first of all, for those of you that don't know, I was actually born with an incurable, genetic disorder
known as EDS. Essentially, I was born with a defect in my collagen,
and collagen is really important to keeping your entire body together.
Because I have a defect in collagen, my body likes to fall apart. So things dislocate, and fall out of socket.
I'm kind of like a Transformer. Transformers like can, you know, dislocate and turn into cars and trucks and stuff.
But I just like to transform into like a world of pain. There's that humor.
So in my personal situation, my chronic pain basically wrecks havoc both on my body, physically -
so like a dislocated shoulder will actually hurt, but it also creates a problem with the hormones inside my body
that are trying to cope with this pain and the feeling. And this is something that everyone can relate to.
You don't have to have chronic pain to understand what I'm saying. If you've ever had like a
toothache or like if you've broken a bone, you'll notice that, you're not yourself.
You're not exactly the happiest person on the entire planet, and everybody deals with pain differently.
Some people are super cranky, irritable, awful, mean people.
Other people are just withdrawn, like they're not themselves, and they're not talkative. We all
have different ways of dealing with pain. The difference is that if you break your arm or you have a toothache,
eventually, it will be fixed, and you will stop feeling that pain.
But in my case, I can never be fixed. There will be no end to my pain.
There is no cure for EDS, so I will always be in pain.
And my mood, and my mental state will always be affected by this pain. Forever.
This never-ending pain cycle can make it really easy for people with chronic illnesses to become really
mean, nasty, snippy people. And I really - you know, like I can't blame them for this, because
this exhausted body of never-ending pain will lead you to like really dark days of total depression
and utter hopelessness. Like I just can't believe that I'm never gonna be cured.
I can't believe that I'm getting worse. I look in the mirror, and I think, is this really my life?
Is this really - I'm not reading a book or watching a movie? This is actually me who will deal with this forever
and is only gonna get worse. And you just feel utterly despondent and hopeless.
I throw a lot of pity parties for myself. But I'd like to say I think this is the biggest turn out I have ever had for a
pity party, because whatever happy day you were having, I'm pretty sure that's over with now that you've seen
this part of the video. But I brought you guys to this pity party for a reason, because I wanna show you what I do
to help myself on these really, really low days. And the reason I say help is because
there was a time in my life when I gave up, and I let the depression completely wash over me.
And I fell into the darkest possible pit.
And I... I attempted suicide. And it didn't work.
And it was definitely the lowest part of my life.
But I felt like
If I was willing to end it all, if I was willing to just not live anymore, then
I had a stupid thought. Like, why didn't I ever get a tattoo? Why didn't I dye my hair pink?
Why didn't I take that exchange to Japan?
Why didn't I do all these things in my life? And
So then, slowly, I started to do things again.
I did really small things. I started to build
these small things that created like a ladder that helped pull me out of this really low, depressed pit.
And with each accomplishment, and with each goal, and each tiny adventure, I slowly started to add
rungs to this ladder.
And I started to see meaning in life again.
And a lot of these things, at first, were really small, simple things, like maybe
going on the internet and learning how to knit. And then the next thing I do is go out
to actually get thread - and that's a big step. And then from there,
I start to join forums and look things up online, and the next thing I know, I'm going to a cafe,
and I'm meeting real people and having conversations with them and, and -
All these little, tiny goals were just taking me out a little bit further away from this total pit of complete hopelessness.
So eventually, I kind of came to my life mantra, which is
Why not do all the things you wanna do?
I mean if you're willing to end it all, then...
why not do everything you want to do? That makes no sense. You - there's no consequence.
You're gonna end it, so you might as well do everything you wanna do.
So that's kind of worked its way into my life, currently, in my now mind state in life, which is
why am I gonna sit around and feel miserable and be in huge amounts of pain, when I could be
dancing at a live show and watching an amazing DJ?
Yes, the next two days after that, I'm gonna feel more pain than I would have felt if I stayed home.
But I still would have felt pain if I had just stayed at home. I, I still would have been sad,
and I still would've dealt with chronic depression. The difference is that when I'm 90,
I'm not gonna look back and say, "Oh my, that time when I watched Netflix and cried all day,
cuddling my stuffed toy pig was a highlight of my life!"
What I'm gonna say is, "Oh man, remember that show I went to with Simon and Dan in Tokyo?
When we saw that DJ, and I danced like a maniac, and I wore my LED light-up shoes?
And then the next day, I just like couldn't walk?"
But I was able to have this kind of adventure and this memory, and that memory and adventure
adds another rung to my ladder, and that pulls me a little bit further out of that pit
on those days that I'm feeling super depressed. Just last weekend, we flew to Ehime,
which is a part of Japan, and I climbed all these multiple hills, and sat squished in a van for hours.
And all of this wrecked havoc on my knees, and my shoulders, and my bodies, but I got to eat an
orange straight off of a tree, and it was starting to rain, and we were on a mountainside, and I
surrounded by these chefs, and as the rain was falling on my face, and I was eating this orange,
it was the best tasting orange I've ever had in my entire life. It was such an incredible and simple moment
for me to just pull an orange from a tree and eat it, but it was just a magical experience.
And after I returned from this trip, the next two days were awful, because airplane travel,
and car travel, and sleeping in a hotel that isn't your bed, and pillow's hard, walking, and climbing
All of this made it so that Simon actually had to physically lift me off the floor
of our own house, because my body like gave out. It was like, "You're not standing today."
And Simon was like, "Okay! I've been working out so I can pick you up." And he was able to pick me up, and
I felt really miserable, and it was really tough - but
now I have these incredible memories, and these incredible memories help me push forward.
When I was on the ground and I felt miserable, did I say to myself,
"Ugh, I shouldn't have climbed that orange tree and had that amazing orange that will now define every orange
you eat for the rest of your life? I should've stayed home, and just stayed in the house and watched TV."
No! I was able to say to myself, "I don't regret it."
I don't regret anything. I don't regret climbing that hill and eating that orange, 'cause it was such a great memory.
And I never would've had that if I didn't... You know? So this kind of pushing through is extremely important.
So some of you might argue - and this is my doctor's standpoint -
If I didn't go out at all, I wouldn't have as much pain, so I shouldn't go out. And my doctor has actually told me
that I absolutely should not be climbing orange groves, and I shouldn't be surfing in Hawaii,
and I shouldn't leave the house, and I shouldn't exercise.
He's told me that I should go to a swimming pool, and I should walk in it.
I can't even - I literally can't even swim. I was like, "Oh, I can go swimming!"
And he's like, "You should just walk in the pool."
If I did that, and I listened to all him, and I listened to all the people that told me not to go out,
I would still be in chronic pain, and I would still be in depression.
It wouldn't change it. But all these adventures I go on and all these things that I push myself to do,
have become fuel to push me to get out of depression on those shit days.
So when I was younger, depression had full control over me, and I almost lost to it.
But now that I'm older, I realize that depression will always be part of my life.
But I've learned different ways to add rungs to my ladders and to climb away from the bottom.
And while I know I will probably never get out of this pit, one thing I do know is that
I'm never going back down again.
While I don't have control over my pain or my depression, what I'm trying to have control over
is how I respond to both of them.
So I totally understand if you ignore my invitation to my next pity party.
This was a pretty bad party. Didn't even have canapés, there was like no music.
It got weird there for a bit. There was some crying - sorry about that.
Totally sucked.
I hope that with this video, those of you that are suffering from depression - whether it be from a
chronic pain or chronic illness, or whether it be from an outside force that's wrecking havoc on your life,
I hope that this video can give you some tools or some strength to get a handle on your depression.
And I'd like to say that I'm sorry we haven't been putting out as many videos as we first did.
When we first started vlogging and putting out videos back in Korea, I had a lot more energy, and
the pain wasn't as intense, and as I get older, it's really just getting worse, so
our videos are getting shorter amount of release dates, 'cause of all the crying
and all the pity parties, so I'm sorry about that. But I do love seeing all your comments on the videos
that we do put out. You guys still give me strength to keep going and making videos.
And then I give you strength, and then you give me strength, and it's this amazing cycle of wonderful positivity
in the Nasty community.
So let's get some positive comments started and give each other some support so that we can start
all building our own ladder. #buildaladder
Hashtags... do they still work? People still do hashtags? Is that a thing?
I don't know. I'm not hip and cool and with it. With the kids.
Ow, I really hurt my elbow doing that - for real. Where's my pig?
I'm wearing pajamas from waist down - you just can't see it.
This was a hard video, guys.
I cried; I'm sorry. I cried on camera. I feel so embarrassed.
I feel so embarrassed that I cried that I'm gonna cry again.
I'm sorry I'm doing this; give me a hug.
Internet hug. <3
I'm sorry that I'm getting fat; I can't go to the gym, but I love eating.
I just love eating so much; it makes me so happy.
Come here, big duck. Come here, big duck.
Come on.
You're my big duck. I'm sorry, big duck.
Don't apologize, girl.
Thanks for taking care of me.
He's working out so that he can take care of me.
I'll always take care of you, girl.
He's literally working out so he can carry me around.
He's not that good yet.
I'm getting there!
He can lift me off the ground, but I keep eating and gaining weight so he has to keep working out more
because I weigh more than I used to.
I used to weigh like 140 pounds, and now I'm at 176.
How is he gonna keep up when I'm 200??
You have to become the mountain. Is it too soon yet?
S: Such is the plan. M: Yep.
<3