- Hey, what is up? (claps)
My name is Roy Wood Jr.
We are digging in the crates.
(button clicks) This is Comedy Central
Stand-Up Playback! (audio distorts)
Our first guest, the homie, you know him
from "This Is Not Happening," he's had an hour special
on Comedy Central, got another one cocked and loaded,
my dog from H-Town, Texas, quarantine style, Ali Siddiq.
What's going on, bro?
- What's good, Roy?
Finally, people!
(Roy laughs) I've finally seen
some other people other than the people
that's in my house. (claps)
- How many people are you quarantined with right now?
- I am quarantined with four other cellmates.
- (laughs) They ain't even family no more
after a month, they're cellmates?
- They not even family, they just cell,
I almost shanked my son the other day.
It's just getting like prison.
(Roy laughs) It's getting to where I'm
carving out my space, shower times and then one time,
this is a difference.
This is a different family now, Roy.
- I love it, I love it.
Well, look, man, I haven't been able to write
new material, 'cause I don't know
what the mood of the country is gonna be
whenever we get back in the clubs.
(Ali chuckles) So I've been going
through the crates, and man, I'm going,
"Ew, I don't like that shirt.
"Ew, that joke is not as good as I thought
"it was at the time."
So I figured some of my buddies would have
some of the same ideas about their own material.
But I'ma give you the opportunity to go in on some of mine.
This is me 17 years ago
(Ali laughs) on "Premium Blend"
on Comedy Central.
I feel good, it's gonna be a lot of fun.
I'm really happy to be on "Mind of Mencia,"
it's a great show.
This isn't "Mind of Mencia"? - Hold on, Roy,
hold on, hold on.
Stop, stop real fast, stop real fast.
Let's just-- - Hang on, what?
- Let's just stop.
Okay, one, I respect this show,
I wanted to be on this show bad.
But, Roy, what's the deal with this undershirt?
Was this the look?
(laughs) Was this--
- It was 2003, (beep) you!
- (laughs) Was it the look to show your undershirt, though?
Just like you had three layers?
Was it the look?
- Y'all didn't have round neck,
y'all wasn't rocking the round necks?
- I've always been, this is a round neck!
I have on a round neck now, I have
on a round neck sweater in my home.
But I'm talking about-- - I'm not gonna let you
roast me over a (beep) T-shirt, man.
It's a T-shirt, man. - (laughs) I'm just saying.
You don't understand me. - So you only did V-necks,
you only did V-necks?
- No, I wore the round neck, I just didn't show it!
I've always buttoned my shirt to the top.
All right, let's roll, let's roll.
I'm mad about the undershirt, go ahead.
- Man, you're disrespecting me.
- He's been a big hit on the college comedy circuit.
Tonight, he's making his-- - Look at Damon Wayans' shirt.
- Comedy Central debut. - (laughs) Oh, what
does Damon got?
- From Birmingham, Alabama-- - See?
Pause it, pause it!
- Pause it.
What type-a handkerchief shirt is this? (laughs)
- 17 years ago.
No disrespect to one of the greats,
but he's showing his shirt!
- (laughs) And-- - So Damon Wayans
can show his shirt, but I can't show
a little bit of my T-shirt?
- I'm not saying that you couldn't show it,
or Damon couldn't show it.
I'm just saying it's a horrible look.
(Roy giggles) And I'm off you now.
I'm like, what is these cuffs doing?
Is this shirt too long for this jacket?
- That was the style back then!
You bring your shirt out and over.
- I sold men's apparel.
When I got out of prison, that was my job.
I worked at a spot called Mosa.
I woulda never did this to you!
But go ahead.
- Wait till you see this belt buckle I had.
Keep rolling. (Ali laughs)
- Good to see y'all looking coupled-up and stuff,
good for you, 'cause I suck at relationships,
I suck at love, I'm through trying, I give up.
(Ali chuckles) You ever been on a date so bad
the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?
You ever been through that? (audience laughs)
All right, pause it right there.
What people don't know about stand-up, when you're doing TV,
(snaps fingers) you need that first joke,
(snaps fingers) you need that first joke to pop
within 15 seconds, 10 seconds if you're a pro.
And usually, that joke would do this,
and on "Premium Blend," it did this.
And it dawned on me, "Oh, I'm performing for white people.
"They ain't never been in a relationship that terrible.
(Ali giggles)
"So they can't even relate to being
"on a date this horrible back in the day!"
But look at that T-shirt, man, you telling me
that T-shirt don't pop and match that jacket, man?
- The T-shirt is doing a lot,
but I actually liked that joke.
I think I saw that, and then I remember seeing this,
and I was wondering, "Why is his pants so long?"
I said that.
- Can we just scrub ahead to,
just, I don't wanna see this. (Ali laughs)
Just scrub ahead to, all right, right there.
Man, (beep) it, you right,
you right, you right. (Ali snickers)
- It's like you got on Shaq pants,
right? - But that was
the look in '03!
I don't wanna watch no more.
- I wanna watch some more, let's see it.
'Cause I wanted to be on this show.
- The last relationship I was in was two years ago.
This girl broke up with me and then changed her mind.
I didn't wanna take her back, and she got all depressed,
decided she was gonna fake her own suicide
to get me to take her back. (Ali laughs)
I swear to God, this is a true story,
this is a actual OnStar conversation, this is for real,
this really happened. (audience laughs)
But she calls me up at 2 in the morning,
shaking these sleeping pills on the phone, swear to God.
(imitates pills rattling) (Ali laughs)
"You hear that, Roy? (imitates rattling)
"I'm fixing to go to sleep 'cause
"you don't wanna be with me, good night,"
click, and she hung up.
Then she proceeded to send me text messages
every 30 minutes to let me know
that she had taken a couple more pills.
I don't know if this is some sorta
suicide update sports ticker
that I've been signed up for. (Ali and audience laugh)
You don't know if your cellphone company's
charging you extra, so you try to block 'em.
I'm trying to block (audience laughs)
the text messages, and they keep coming through.
"14 pills, Roy.
"28 pills, Roy.
"34 pills, Roy.
"Aren't you gonna say something?"
I called up, I said, "It's been two hours.
"Why ain't you asleep yet?
"Go to sleep, go to sleep!" (Ali and audience laugh)
"Go to sleep!" (Ali giggles)
(Ali claps) That's enough, that's enough.
Now, it was a different time, let me just say.
I would never do that joke now.
That joke is a true story, though, that really happened.
This girl was cheating on me, she broke up with me,
and then she called me, shaking vitamins into the phone.
I found out later they were vitamins.
- I still do my suicide bit, I do.
I think that this would stand up the test of time right now.
Now, you may have to, you would modify some other
parts of it, but I think this joke, it's solid.
Now, this jacket is not solid.
This jacket is really not playing "PB" well.
- (Beep) it, just 'cause you worked at a store helping
(beep) pick out (Ali laughs)
ties and jackets doesn't make you a specialist--
- I am a specialist! - In all different clothes.
So is Mosa one of them places where (beep) walk in,
"Let me help you curate everything," or is it like
being in JCPenney's suit department, I (beep) go,
"I'll be at the register, let me know
"when you're ready to pay"?
- No, I was the one who walk around with you,
"Hey, what you wanna look like today?
"Did you see Roy on 'Premium Blend'?
"We're not doing that.
(laughs)
Listen, I protested wide-legged pants,
so I definitely would've protested these.
These are some father jeans.
I think that's all they were selling
back then, was father jeans.
But it's a good set, though!
It was TV, I wanted to be you.
I wanted to be you.
I wouldn't have dressed like this, but I wanted to be you.
- I'ma tell Damon Wayans what you said about his jacket.
Let's look at one of your (beep).
- (giggles) And that hat, you can tell him
about that hat, too. (Roy laughs)
- (claps) Damon Wayans, we love you, brother.
Do you count the time in prison
as kinda like open mic, to a degree?
Because I know there was funny in there,
and I feel like you go through creative
and you go through an absorption period
where you absorb the world around you,
and then kind of an expulsion period
where you write and get it back out of your system.
'Cause when I look back at myself,
I know that my time, when I was waiting tables
or going around, cracking jokes at every table,
I wasn't technically a comedian yet,
but I had the structure, "I can do this joke
"at this table, and an hour from now,
"when it's a new customer sitting here,
(snaps fingers) "I'ma do that same joke on these people."
So did you have that structure?
- No, Roy, I was very lost, and I was just
a sarcastically jovial dude in prison.
I didn't get really into the mechanics of it
until I started working at Mosa and Sunglass Hut.
And, see, I didn't work
in the Sunglass Hut-- - Sunglass Hut too, okay.
- (laughs) I didn't work in the Sunglass Hut store,
I worked in the kiosk in the middle of the mall.
Don't do that, Roy. - So you was the dude
that was-- - Roy, don't do that.
Don't laugh in my face, Roy, not in my face.
(laughs)
- So you was the dude we tried to get the (beep) around
when we was trying to go to a store with actual doors?
- Roy, the kiosk is about 23 steps away from Mosa,
and I'm working at both places.
So I would get off from Mosa and walk
(smacks hand) right into the kiosk.
I gotta go open (laughs), I gotta go
lift this thing up and get in.
- So you in a full linen suit, selling sunglasses?
(Ali laughs)
- Full linen.
- All right, man, let's watch some of this, man.
This is Ali Siddiq from last year.
- I'm old enough to know things that I like,
and I don't like.
Things that I think that make sense,
and things that I know make absolutely no sense.
(audience laughs)
If you are raising a child, and your child
is being cyberbullied,
(audience chuckles)
you're raising a weak-ass child.
(audience laughs)
I don't know (Ali chuckles at clip)
what the (beep) cyberbullying is.
- You know what makes your comedy so dope, bro,
is that you'll say some wild (beep),
and then only your eyes are really the,
like where another comic might go,
"You're raisin' a weak-ass child!"
you just go, "a weak child."
(Ali laughs)
- Or why your dumb-ass baby
(audience laughs)
would sit there and read mean messages and be scared,
I don't (beep) know, instead of just closing the laptop,
I just don't (beep) get it.
What do they think gonna happen if they close the laptop?
Do they think the cyberbully gonna open the laptop,
"Bitch, don't be closin' me!"
(audience laughs) What do they think
is going to happen?
Okay.
(Roy giggles)
I like the fact
that young white boys-- - Pause it, pause it,
pause it.
All right, I wanna go to another clip of yours
in a second here, but just real quick,
do you read any of the Internet hate you get?
- Oh, yeah. - I don't feel like you get
a lotta hate, though, 'cause you--
- Oh, yes, I do. - 'Cause you
a hundred-ass (beep).
- Oh, but I get it, I get it, I get it.
- What could somebody say?
I'm not talking about you ain't funny.
There's always somebody who's gonna hate you
if you're a comedian, but beyond that,
what do people say about you?
- I get this a lot, "Because you on them white shows,
"you don't understand the black struggle!"
(laughing) Okay.
I'm like, "What the (beep)
"are you talking about?" - Like you don't go back home
to black kids in a black-ass city?
Okay. - (giggles) Hey.
- The only hateful thing that's ever been said to me
that truly hurt my feelings, 2001,
I went on "Showtime at the Apollo," and I got booed.
Monday morning, I'm at the radio station,
somebody called the station, they said,
"Hey, man, I just wanna tell Roy
"that I saw him last night on the 'Apollo,'
"he wasn't funny, and if that's the best you can do,
"you need to tell people that you from Montgomery,"
(murmurs) (Ali giggles)
That shit was 20 years ago, I'm still
thinking about it today.
- Yeah, I see, 'cause you sayin' it like
it was said about you yesterday.
- We got one more of you, man.
- So I have two, I have two, go ahead, run it, run it.
No joke, go run it, run it.
- I just wanna watch your style.
I don't even need to listen to the jokes.
Let's roll it! (Ali giggles)
- Like I have a daughter, and--
- Oh, pause it.
- That's not my watch.
That's not my watch. - What the (beep)?
You need a watch?
- They went and bought a cheap watch from somewhere,
because I can't go on the stage without a watch on, right?
If you ever wanna see me in a frenzy,
(laughs) let me notice that I don't have on a watch,
and it's time to go on stage, I'm like,
I'll wear anybody's watch.
"Hey, lemme see your watch."
I'll wear a pink unicorn watch if it's something.
I gotta see time, right? (grunts)
- Wait, so you're actively clocking yourself,
even when you're on television?
- Even when I'm on television, I glance,
I glance to know where I'm at in the beats of,
if I have to speed up or I have to slow, I
have to pull back, I got to see--
- You regulate, but there's clocks
(beep) all around the studio and--
- Okay, Roy, you ain't have to expose
that there's other clocks.
I need a clock!
(laughing) It's like I need a watch!
I need a watch. - 'Cause that's your system,
that's what you came up with, that's your system,
you wanna stick to it, okay.
- I'm a Libra, so I like balance.
Everything has to balance out.
- Speaking of watches, I saw the funniest (beep)
the first time I did "ComicView."
I'm not gonna name any names of the comedians
who was backstage doing this, but all of 'em
had their jewelry and a bottle of baby oil,
and these (beep) put baby oil on their hands
and rubbed the baby oil on their watches and their chains
so it would glisten more when they
got out on stage under the lights.
They called it the glisten.
"You gotta put your gloss on, young blood, there you go."
(Beep) grease up their jewelry.
So then, when I did "Star Search" and "Premium Blend,"
(Ali laughs) my ignorant ass
is backstage with these white comedians,
"Hey, man, you want some glisten?"
Like, I'm offering baby oil (laughs) to other people,
not even knowing that I look like a damn fool, man.
All right, let's roll a little bit,
little bit of Ali and his stolen watch.
- I'm at this swim meet, 'cause my daughter swims,
you know, it's not a popular black sport.
(audience laughs)
And I'm sitting there, and I heard these
two little white girls talking about my daughter!
And I knew they was talking about her,
'cause she's the only black person on the swim team.
Walk in, like, "Oh my God, we're going to lose this meet."
Saying, "Wow, there go the Black Seal."
I was like, "What?
"Don't call my baby no Black Seal!"
My neighbor, Tim's, like, "No, that means
"that she's really fast."
So I'm at the meet, rooting, "Go, Black Seal,
"Go, Black Seal!"
They done caught me up.
So now, I've been watching this little
white girl named Sarah Brown.
Sarah Brown, I know she's gonna meet my daughter
in the champs meet, I know it, I can feel it.
My little baby done got arrogant, she got arrogant.
She done won a couple of meets.
She don't even carry her swim bag no more.
I'm like her personal assistant.
(audience laughs)
I come in with all her stuff.
And I heard her say something to Sarah Brown.
She walked past Sarah and said, "Hey, Sarah,
"I know we're gonna race, by the time the race is over,
"I'll be out of the pool, dry!"
I said, "Oh, snap!"
I'm carrying her stuff, I don't really
believe my baby, but I'm rolling with it.
I say, "Yeah, Sarah, you heard her!
"Dry, Sarah, dry!"
(audience laughs)
I didn't believe it, though,
I didn't believe it. - Pause it, pause it.
- So the race happens.
- So that's for real, like you'd be talking (beep)
like that with your kids at the sporting events?
- Yeah, when my daughter swam, when Jaye was a swimmer,
and Jaye was kickin' people's ass, man, left and right.
She was swimming their ass out the pool,
and I'd be out there saying some straight hood (beep).
But I would like to point out, this was 2013, correct, Roy?
2013? - Yeah.
- Do you realize that I still have the same exact beard?
It hasn't grown an inch!
Has not grown an inch!
And I have baby oil all over my damn forehead,
'cause I am glistening like (beep) apparently.
Apparently I got greased up before I walked out there.
- Well, it's been fun diggin'
in the crates with you, brother.
(hits hand) Let everybody know what you're
doing right now during quarantine.
I know you're a brother that's still
creating content and everything.
- Yes, sir, I have the Corona Comedy Club shows
(claps) on Wednesday and Friday, and then I do my show
on Zoom in the den, so hey, man,
any time, Roy. - Yeah, swing by
Ali's IG page.
- I wanna say this right now.
I think you like showing your undershirt.
Is that a black undershirt under that sweater
that you have on now?
- No, no, this is just a double line, this is
(murmurs) - Oh, okay, I just wanted to.
(both guffaw)
(claps) Man, thank you for having me, brother.
- Man, kiss my (beep),
I'm signing out. (Ali laughs)