- I don't see how anybody can hate birthdays.
- Well, because they are constant reminders
that with each passing year our bodies begin to sag,
our faces begin to wrinkle, our hair begins to turn gray.
Of course, none of that's happened to me yet.
(audience laughing) (cheerful music)
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, boys and girls ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- Welcome to Mr. Ha-Ha's Hotdog Hacienda!
(crowd cheering)
I have a lots of fun planned for you for this afternoon,
but you have to finish your Mr. Ha-Ha Dog first because
♪ A Ha-Ha Dog is fun to eat ♪
♪ A Ha-Ha Dog is great to eat ♪
♪ A Ha-Ha Dog is a great big treat ♪
♪ And it's only $1.79 without a beverage ♪
Woo! See you soon, kids.
(crowd cheering)
- Isn't this fun? (giggles)
- And now it's time for the Mr. Ha-Ha birthday roundup.
When I call your name, please come up on stage.
(audience laughing)
Bobby Spina!
- Please say you didn't do this, Rose.
- [Mr. Ha-Ha] Jeannie Taylor!
- Please tell me you didn't do this.
- Dorothy Zbornak!
(audience laughing)
Dorothy Zbornak!
- Dorothy, stop that.
You're making a fool of yourself.
Mr. Ha-Ha's looking at you.
(audience laughing)
- Are you Dorothy Zbornak?
- That's right.
- Get up on stage, Dorothy!
- Get bent, Ha-Ha.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, kids.
Let's give Dorothy a great big Ha-Ha cheer
Ha-Ha! (children cheering)
- [Crowd] Dorothy! Dorothy!
Dorothy! Dorothy!
Dorothy! Woo! (crowd cheering)
(audience laughing)
Well, it says here on my Ha-Ha birthday list
that Bobby is seven,
Jeannie is nine,
and Dorothy is--
- I'll punch your heart out, Ha-Ha.
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy is the oldest.
(audience laughing)
And as the oldest, you get to lead the birthday parade.
Here is your parade leader's hat.
(audience laughing)
Mr. Music, if you please.
(playful music)
(whistle blowing) (crowd clapping)
(audience laughing)
- Don't prolong this. I know what car you drive, Ha-Ha.
- The parade's over, ha ha.
Let's hear it for all the birthday boys and girls.
(crowd cheering)
But the fun's just about to begin
because now it's time for your Ha-Ha hot fudge cake,
free to all my birthday boys and girls.
Only $1.98 to the rest of my little friends.
- No, thank you. I've had enough.
- Oh, I think we have a cranky birthday girl.
(audience laughing)
You see, kids, when you get a little older,
you can get a little cranky.
And when you get to be as old as Dorothy,
well, you can be a real pain in the Ha-Ha.
(audience laughing)
So Dorothy, why don't you just lighten up,
enjoy your hot fudge cake, a make a wish, okay?
Come on, kids, make a wish and blow out the candles.
(Dorothy blowing) (Mr. Ha-Ha clapping)
I hope everybody gets what they wished for.
- Do you really, Mr. Ha-Ha?
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy, if I were you, I'd put the cake down.
You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer.
Besides, that's not a very adult thing to do.
- You're right, I can't do it.
- Mr. Ha-Ha?
- Yes, Bobby.
(audience laughing)
- Happy birthday, Dorothy.
(audience laughing)
- Good morning.
- Ah, how was your date last night?
- Oh, it's too soon to tell.
I'll let you know when I send him home.
(audience laughing)
Is this for Rose's birthday?
- Oh, now look, don't you start with me.
Every Christmas, every birthday,
anytime we have to give a gift to the same person,
you always find something wrong with mine
so yours looks better.
- I didn't say anything.
But let's face it,
those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.
(audience laughing)
Look at the ducky wrapping paper
(audience laughing)
and the little stick-on bow.
Did you get her Ziggy card?
- No.
- Oh my, not Snoopy.
- I didn't get her a card.
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy, if you're really so worried about this,
I'll just let Rose open yours first
so you won't be embarrassed.
- You know, your ego is so fragile.
You have to turn everything into a popularity contest.
Well, I have news for you.
Today, your worst nightmare happens.
Today, I make you look bad.
- You hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?
(audience laughing)
- There's a man leaving in 10 minutes.
Be under him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I'm home.
- Rose! Happy birthday, honey.
- Oh, thanks so much, sweetheart.
- An even happy birthday from me.
(audience laughing)
- You're hurting me, Dorothy.
(audience chuckling)
- Sorry.
Honey, before you do anything else,
I want you to open my gift.
I think you're gonna like it.
- Ooh, isn't that pretty. (giggles)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Dorothy.
Oh, a second-hand sweatshirt with my name misspelled on it.
(audience laughing)
Oh, you're right, Dorothy. I love it.
- Rose, that is the original Mickey Mouse Club sweatshirt
that Roy wore.
I got it at an auction.
- Oh my God, I loved Roy.
Oh, there was something about him.
Woof. (giggles)
(audience laughing)
Oh Dorothy, I just can't imagine a better birthday present.
- Neither can I. Blanche?
(audience laughing)
- Rose, before I give you mine,
I just wanna ask you one question.
It may seem a little odd,
but it has a lot to do with your gift.
Has Miles started wearing bikini underwear lately?
- Actually, Miles did buy some bikinis,
but just the bottoms.
(audience laughing)
I have been watching Miles for a while
and I think he's going through a crisis.
He is showing all the signs, trying to act trendy,
trying to be young.
And if he's also wearing bikinis--
- Just the bottoms.
(audience laughing)
- Mm-hmm, well, Rose, I'm afraid he may start
playing around on you.
- Wait a minute.
None of this proves that Miles is even thinking
of cheating on Rose.
- You're absolutely right, Dorothy,
and that is why I have hired a detective to follow Miles
and find out for sure.
Happy birthday, honey.
(audience laughing)
- A detective? You're giving the gift of suspicion.
(audience laughing)
- That's right.
He's going to follow Miles everywhere he goes
for the next two weeks.
Oh, and if you really love any of the pictures,
you can get them in wallet size.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I can't use this.
- She's right.
This violates the privacy of her relationship,
and I think you should take it back.
- You're just trying to make that old stupid sweatshirt
of yours look better.
(audience laughing)
Besides, I can't take it back.
I paid in advance.
- Can't you get a refund?
- Well, no. I paid with nature's credit card.
(audience laughing)
- You never leave home without it.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
- Has anybody seen Blanche?
She had a date last night
and this morning her bed's all made
and she's not even there.
(audience chuckling)
- Wait a minute, here's our walking playground now.
(audience laughing)
Boy, it must be true love.
This guy is slowing down to five miles an hour.
(audience laughing)
- Morning, everybody.
- Blanche, what is going on?
I mean that guy's a little young, even for you.
- What are you talking about?
He's a mature young man with his own business.
Now, who wants to help me pick out five magazines?
(audience laughing)
- Blanche!
- Please, I'm in no mood for ridicule.
I've been going through a very tough time lately.
- And we're concerned, Blanche.
Jealous and concerned.
(audience chuckling)
- You haven't drowned yourself in young men
since this time last year when you brought those twins home
from the Jimmy Smits look-alike contest.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, yeah.
Jorge and Esteban, romantic, passionate,
and virtually interchangeable.
(audience laughing)
- You know Rose is right.
Every year at this time you start robbing the grave.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
By any chance does somebody have a birthday coming up?
- All right, yes, dammit, it's almost my birthday,
and I intend to forget all about it.
And if you are indeed my friends,
you will forget about it too
and never bring this sordid subject up again.
- I know, I'm going to give her a party!
(audience laughing)
(wistful music)
Here it is.
I needed to know when Blanche's real birthday was
so I could throw her a party,
so I got copies of her birth certificate, her DM files--
- Wait a minute.
Rose, that is an invasion of privacy.
- What makes you think she wants a party?
- Everybody wants a party, no matter what they say.
But if you think we don't really need to know
Blanche's real age, then maybe we should--
- Open the damn envelope.
(audience laughing)
- I can't believe it, after all these years
we're finally gonna know.
We're gonna know the true age of Blanche Devereaux.
"Deleted by authority of the governor."
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
Oh, these are all like that.
- Rose, you know what this means?
- Yeah, she must of really jumped on this guy's bandwagon.
(audience laughing)
- You almost got it, Rose.
(audience chuckling)
(cheerful music)
- I have to figure out which of the traditional
St. Olaf party games to play at Blanche's party. (gasps)
- Party?
Is that how you've been sneaking around
trying to find out my age, a party?
I forbid it.
- Blanche, a party is a celebration of life,
and it's not just for you,
but for your friends who love you.
- No.
- Stop being so vain.
You can't stay 42 forever.
- Yes, you can.
(audience laughing)
If you eat right, exercise regularly, and live with women
who look a lot older than you.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
- Tell me, Rose, is Kill the Bitch
a traditional St. Olaf party game?
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
(cheerful music)
- Blanche, where have you been?
- I've been out walking.
You know what today was, Rose?
It was my birthday.
- Blanche--
- Now don't start your yammering.
It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.
I did some soul searching and it occurred to me
that I'm a vibrant, energetic woman.
I mean, I must still have some life left in me
if I can make Mel Bushman's head snap back like that.
(audience chuckling)
- You mean ol' Pez head?
(audience laughing)
- (giggles) You know, Rose, you were right.
What's in a number?
Why, I still have my health.
I have my challenging career at the museum.
Most of all, I have you all, my family.
Oh, that birthday nonsense was just an exercise in vanity.
And so today, for the very first time,
Blanche Devereaux is gonna reveal her true and accurate age.
Right after you tell me your weight.
(audience laughing)
- 119.
- 42.
- Coffee? - Please.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
- Hi, Ma. You having fun?
- No. Give me my present.
(audience laughing)
- Not until after we slice my Looks Like Chocolate,
Tastes Like Spice,
You'll Wish You Had A Bigger Slice marble cake.
(audience laughing)
You know where it got its name?
- No. Give me my present.
(audience laughing)
- I'll go get the candles.
- Rose, I gotta congratulate you.
You made it without giving away my present.
- Sophia, you stop trying to make me tell you.
- Relax, Rose.
Dorothy already told me what it is.
- She did?
- Yeah, what a present.
Boy was I surprised.
- Dorothy, I didn't know you already told Sophia
that her surprise was in the--
- Rose.
(audience chuckling)
Oh, all right, Ma.
You'll get your present right now.
I give up.
You win, you always win.
- I know, me and Mighty Mouse.
(audience laughing)
All right, everybody, gather around.
My daughter is about to give me my big birthday surprise.
- I just wanna say happy birthday to my mother,
whom I love very, very much,
and I just hope that you love this present
(audience chuckling)
as much as I love giving it to you.
Okay, Blanche!
- Angela?
- No, Gina Lollobrigida.
(audience laughing)
- This is my surprise?
- Yes, yes.
Oh, happy birthday, Ma.
- Happy birthday!
You call this old bag a present.
(audience laughing)
- You brought me all the way from Sicily to be insulted?
- I hate that woman!
(audience laughing)
- I hate her double.
(audience laughing)
(dramatic music)