SpongeBob SquarePants needs absolutely no introduction. Whether it’s jellyfishing
with Patrick, karate with Sandy, cooking with Mr. Krabs, or restraining orders with
Squidward, SpongeBob’s undersea fun–fundersea, if you will–has been an irrefutable childhood
staple for us zoomers. He’s like family–but it’s easy to forget that SpongeBob has his
own idea apart from us and his buddies. The SquarePants family line goes pretty deep,
and it may surprise you a little bit. I’m Brad with WickedBinge, and grab yourself a
Krabby Patty as we take a trip through SpongeBob’s Family Tree. Arrrr Ya Ready, Kids…and Ancestors?!
That’s right–with 13 seasons to flesh out the lore of SpongeBob’s increasingly weird world,
we have to go all the way back to prehistoric times to start–and who else to start with but
Primitive Sponge? If you were on the internet at any point in 2016,
I’m willing to bet actual money you recognize this frame.
This fine specimen is the legendary Primitive Sponge, debuting in the season 1 episode SB-129.
Doing justice to his name, Primitive Sponge here is essentially just SpongeBob with all of the
intelligence and grace of a monkey with Mad Snail Disease. He’ll attack indiscriminately
if he feels threatened and learns much like a young child, having no issue using Squidward’s
arm as a sensory toy. Not much else to say about him…other than the fact that he’s
apparently very polite, considering he wears at LEAST two loincloths at all times–just in case.
Next, we have an entry our previous one is often mistaken for, Spongegar. A descendant
of Primitive Sponge, Spongegar is capable of few words and minimal intelligence. In his era,
he and his neighbors at least had prehistoric versions of their homes, showing that they
likely came along a good bit after. There’s not too much else to say about Spongegar, save for
his role in discovering fire–which is even MORE impressive, considering they live underwater.
And as far as we know, the last of SpongeBob’s distant descendants is the legendary SpongeBuck
SquarePants. Before there was Bikini Bottom, there was Bikini Gulch. Likewise,
before there was SpongeBob, there was SpongeBuck–a hero who rode into town and
became the sheriff. Ultimately, he saves everyone from the evil Dead-Eye Plankton,
resulting in a solid gold statue built in his honor–side note, but the fact it’s stood so
long when Mr. Krabs is in town is nothing short of a miracle. One interesting note
about SpongeBuck’s story is that he shows up first as an outsider, which suggests
that SpongeBob’s ancestry migrated to the Bikini Bottom area after the other residents of the town,
like Squidward or Patrick. While I’d like to think there wasn’t some severe falling out
between SpongeBob and Patar or Squog, it’s little details like this that really do make you wonder…
But for now, let’s drop it to talk about someone who’s a little more recent:
SpongeBuck’s great-great-great-great-great grandson, Grandpa SquarePants. He’s actually
one of the first members of SpongeBob’s family to be referenced in the season 1 episode “Rock
Bottom,” where SpongeBob recalls his advice to never chase a bus–especially
one that’s going up at a 90-degree angle! This is actually the only the only type of
appearance Grandpa SquarePants makes in the series. Presumably dead before its events,
his only other appearance is another piece of memorable advice in “The Sponge Who Could
Fly,” trying to tell his naive grandson that if he were meant to fly, he’d have propellers
on his head or jet engines on his back. Aside from giving advice, he also seems to have the
ability to remain consciously aware of the events going on around him–as shown by Patrick having
a similar flashback where Grandpa SquarePants pokes him in the head, reminding him he’s not
his grandfather. Who’s to say what other powers Grandpa SquarePants holds from beyond the grave?
Those powers may well be pretty darn sweet–but I doubt they’re as sweet as the cookies you
can get from Grandma SquarePants. And while yes, I know what it looks like,
she’s not a cookie herself–just a more circular sponge. Grandma SquarePants has
a few episodes where she’s a major character. The most notable is “Grandma’s Kisses,” which
demonstrates her character perfectly. She’s extremely caring and compassionate,
spoiling SpongeBob with cookies, storybooks, hugs, and kisses any time he comes over–even
though SpongeBob’s an adult. She also respects his wishes when he temporarily wants to be a
grown-up…only to go back on it a few hours later when he becomes jealous of Patrick’s
attention from her. Man, that “i don’t wanna grow up!” tantrum hits a lot harder now, huh…?
Before I think too much about that, let’s talk about the first of her known children, Harold
SquarePants. Harold is the polite, strait-laced father of SpongeBob. He’s a very supportive
dad to his boy, and is always there when he’s needed. He helps arrange a surprise
party for Mrs. Puff after SpongeBob passes his driving test–and afterwards,
reveals that he’s bought him a brand new boatmobile. The storybook “Hooray For Dads!”
Also suggests that he taught SpongeBob everything he knows about jellyfishing. It’s easy to see why
SpongeBob is so confident and happy–Harold clearly managed to be a good role model and
a healthy father figure to him throughout his childhood, and even into his adulthood. He may
not have a ton of screentime, but you won’t find a lot of Nicktoon dads better than this guy.
And honestly, we could say the same about SpongeBob’s other parental figure,
Margaret SquarePants. Like Harold, she’s very supportive of SpongeBob and her
spouse. There really isn’t all too much to say about her that can’t be said about
Harold, too. Both of them are decent people who love and care for their son…that said,
it IS very interesting to note that Mrs. SquarePants was apparently pregnant with
SpongeBob, as proven in the episode “Truth or Square.” SpongeBob is known to be asexual,
and can reproduce by budding…so is pregnancy just the way female sponges reproduce by budding? Or
do male sponges have to get pregnant, too? Is every one of their holes a birth canal?
Should we move on before this discussion goes way too far? Yes, we should–let’s talk about
the first of SpongeBob’s two known uncles, Uncle Captain Blue. This retired police captain is one
of many relatives SpongeBob runs for to help him out with the struggle of facing his brute cousin,
Blackjack. Since he only appears in the one episode, there’s not TOO much to say about him,
save for the fact that he’s rather lazy and has a habit of mishearing SpongeBob
due to his tendency to have constant loud noises in his garage…and for a retired cop,
he’s pretty cowardly given his lack of courage to help SpongeBob face Blackjack.
Slightly more interesting is Harold’s other sibling, the elusive Uncle Sherm.
Uncle Sherm has never made an actual episode appearance outside of cameos,
but he’s been mentioned rather consistently in several forms of media in the series. Most
memorably, he’s the father of Stanley S. SquarePants, who we’ll get to later,
and he can fit an entire watermelon up his nose. I mean, it’s worth some credit, right?
Okay, now here’s where the interesting part kicks in. SpongeBob has a couple cousins with
unknown fathers. We’ll discuss the more minor ones first, starting with Todd. Here we have
our first family member sourced from media outside of the cartoon–he only appears in
the Story Reader book “The Never-Ending Stay.” He looks identical to SpongeBob…if SpongeBob got hit
with a truck full of cheap party-store costume supplies. Todd is something of a freeloader,
staying over at SpongeBob’s place and making a total mess of things,
taking advantage of our poor, “too-nice-to-say-no” sponge.
Our next entry is a bit more pleasant, though…presumably, I mean. It’s good old Cousin
Larry! Not to be confused with Larry the Lobster, or Larry the rebound snail. Cousin
Larry is…um…he is mentioned one time. SpongeBob mentions him in the PC game “Operation Krabby
Patty,” when he misinterprets Plankton telling him he’s kidnapped Gary. SpongeBob mistakenly
thinks he’s kidnapped his cousin named Larry, which is quite literally the extent
of what we know about him. Hell, he wasn’t even mentioned in one of the good SpongeBob games.
Don’t worry, though–things are about to get pretty intense when we talk about
BlackJack. Feared by the majority of his family, especially SpongeBob, Blackjack is SpongeBob’s
cousin–and the last one with an unknown father. He was shown in a flashback to constantly bully
Spongebob in their childhood due to his own massive size, and when released from jail,
he threatens SpongeBob’s parents and even grandmother to goad him into fighting. Or,
at least SpongeBob THOUGHT it was a threat. In actuality, the guy was literally just visiting
his uncle and aunt…but the cleverly laid-out letters did get SpongeBob to show retaliation
against his cousin, finally. Thankfully, mr. “2 marshmallows is too heavy” doesn’t have to fight
BlackJack after all, given that he’s literally the size of his big toe. Either BlackJack was shrunken
in prison as punishment for littering, or maybe SpongeBob just grew a LOT. We may never know.
Now, it’s finally time to talk about Spongebob’s most memorable cousin,
Stanley S. SquarePants. Sent by his father, Sherm, to SpongeBob’s house out of desperation
to straighten him out, Stanley is a guy who quite literally ruins everything he touches. This aside,
SpongeBob and him actually get along fairly well, with SpongeBob doing his best to work
with him and encourage him to find his place in the world. Last we saw him, Stanley was
working a new job at the Chum Bucket–and, of course, he blew it up in seconds. Sadly,
this was the last time we’ve seen Stanley–or even heard any mention of him. It’d be nice
to see Stanley get some help and find a place where he can live a happy, fulfilling life.
He’s a nice guy, after all–he’s just destructive and annoying enough to set even Spongebob off.
For this next entry, I have just ONE question for you. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
That’s right–after all this time, we reach the final SquarePants family member of this
generation, SpongeBob SquarePants. And honestly, what can we say about SpongeBob? We’ve talked more
about this little dude than practically anyone else over the course of this channel. He’s
the best friend anyone under the sea could ask for–even the most morally depraved people around.
So since we all know SpongeBob already, the question is revised–who ELSE lives in a
pineapple under the sea? A little sea snail named Garold Wilson, Jr. Come on–adopted pet or not,
did you REALLY expect us to leave Gary out of the family tree? And before anyone asks–yes,
Garold Wilson, Jr. IS in fact his real name. Watch the episode “Treats!” if you don’t believe
me. SpongeBob treats Gary better than many people treat their kids. He’s one of his best friends,
to the point where SpongeBob will do anything to make him happy and protect
him. Even if that means scouring the entire globe to find discontinued snail treats for
him, he won’t hesitate. What’s more, whenever SpongeBob and Gary are separated, the former
is absolutely devastated. We ALL know the Gary Come Home song by heart–I GUARANTEE
it. If dogs are man’s best friend, then snails must be sponge’s best friend.
Well…he’ll have to settle for a tie. That’s right–since Gary is in SpongeBob’s family tree,
Patrick Star has his place as well. SpongeBob’s best idiot friend is actually a first cousin of
Gary’s, according to a family tree shown in the episode “Rule of Dumb”. Which would
technically make Patrick an adoptive nephew of Spongebob’s….I think, at least? Look,
even we have our limits when it comes to overthinking the logistics of these things.
We’re nearing the end of the line for this family tree–so it’s a good thing
this next guy has enough lines to go around. It’s Doodlebob. Think about it;
SpongeBob literally drew this man and brought him into existence. It got to the point where
Doodlebob got his hands on the magic pencil used to create him, trying his hardest to alter the
reality of things around him. He ultimately had to be imprisoned in a piece of paper to
be subdued…hey, at least things ended better for SpongeBob playing god than for Dr. Frankenstein.
We’ve only got a few more millenniums to cover on this list…but don’t click off! They can be covered
in just two entries–the first being SpongeBob’s Grandson. At the end of “The Great Patty Caper,”
we get a flash-forward of 75 years to an elderly SpongeBob talking to a younger sponge playing
a video game. He tells him of the exciting train-mystery special, to which he replies with
absolutely no interest. I don’t blame him–it was a season 7 episode, after all. It’s interesting
to know that SpongeBob apparently reproduced by budding pretty early in life, though–maybe
one day we’ll see a flash-forward of his unnamed child, too. Also notable–look at the game he’s
playing. Do Game Boys come back in 75 years? I’m absolutely holding you to that, SpongeBob.
And for the grand finale, we go a mere 1,925 more years into the future to talk
about the eventual creation of SpongeTron. And of course, SpongeTrons X, Y, and Z. And the 486
other SpongeTron clones. They’re basically identical to SpongeBob–absorbent, yellow,
square, friendly, working in a restaurant. The main difference is that they’re also
highly advanced robots who have access to both a time machine and a can opener room. To this day,
I have to wonder what purpose that can opener room serves…and also, why exactly there are SO
many clones of SpongeBob? Is SpongeBob some kind of Ned Flanders-esque dictator in the future? Is
he just that well liked? Is it a reference to the popularity SpongeBob will inevitably hold by then,
when we as a society communicate solely in SpongeBob quotes? Only time will tell,
but one thing’s for sure…I really want that laser hammer.