(drum roll)
- This is like the trashiest story in the world.
I hope my parents don't hear it, whatever,
well the whole thing is upsetting.
(laughter)
(dramatic music)
High school, past.
College, totally forgot to even try.
Moved out to Los Angeles two years after I graduated.
Cool.
Two years after moving out to Los Angeles,
I'm doing open mics, and all of my material
is about being a 26 year old virgin.
Fine, whatever.
For whatever reason, I was like,
About losing, like having sex for the first time.
So I did the joke and it did well for an open mic, but then,
And said that I did all these things that I didn't.
And then I was like alright.
So then on Monday, I was like alright,
I am not gonna do comedy tonight.
Oh, another important part of this story is that,
I was living on people's couches.
Occasionally house-sitting,
and occasionally sleeping in my car.
And I was like, alright,
I had about a billion glasses of white wine.
Swiping, swiping on anything.
Perfect.
I get to the bar, sitting at the bar.
Mind you, I am already a little bit drunk.
He walks in wearing neon glasses and he tries
to feed me a cookie that he stopped to get
on the way before even saying hello.
The bartender was like, what's this guy's deal.
You should go.
And I was like oh shit, alright, bartender.
Fine.
I'm drunk Facebook messaging people.
I'm looking for anyone at this point.
A Monday night.
I have like my shoes off, like he knows
that I am not going out.
So we sit down.
The funny thing is that,
It was so funny to watch him be really
pulling out the stops.
Being flirty, he tried to play footsie
and I was like, unnecessary.
The bedroom is that way, you can follow me or not.
And I was like,
So then, we have sex.
Even if he does see this, no one knows who this guy is.
His penis was what I would imagine
if you take an American Girl sock
and fill it with one of those bouncy balls.
But I saw it and I was like,
He was probably getting ready to warm me up
and it just didn't happen.
But God, love him.
I'm texting all my friends being like,
He leans over and whispers in my ear,
And I was like, hey, what do you say we call you an Uber.
He just goes, hey, wait a second.
Like it just dawned on him 20 minutes later.
And then he got in his Uber and he left.
And then I was able to do that joke,
and then I stopped doing stand-up a few months later.
I think I deleted Tinder after that, even,
because I was just like,
I know how this story sounds.
And it's like yeah, no, what I did was shitty.
No one wants to feel used, right?
What I did, super shitty, but,
Because I think, traditionally,
and I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's what is.
If he's sad about it, I am sorry.
Comment and I'll reach out and say sorry.
Maybe comment privately because I did say
what your penis looked like.
(laughter)
Yeah, no, I'm a piece, that's just it.
This is another thing.
This is a really important thing.
(upbeat music)