hey guys is Jen and then and we wanted to do a new series called ask Jen and then so over the
years that we've been together 16 it's been many many years yeah such ok just kidding we
have been happily married for nine years now and happily dated for seven years before that so we
just get asked a lot of relationship questions not just online but in real life in IRL that's
what in real life stands for I know smart yeah we thought we would kick off the very first ask Jen
and Ben with your questions about soulmates mmm you ready for this I am okay that's that's our
secret hand it's just a regular high-five we're just it's a work in progress we worked out the
first part for 16 years okay another 16 you just wait we did want to add that part the Aria part
where one of us goes when we being she only buzz she's learning she'll eventually be maybe a secret
I only believe you have one soul mate at a time true if that makes sense yeah yeah
because I think it's more of more than just at being destiny I think it's a choice you
make in your heart you're deciding for that time in your life to be your soul's mate I
often think to in a very cheesy way about puzzle pieces fitting together there's so
many things that are different about you and me but we fit together really well yeah we're
really compatible and we understand each other really well but then that's also a choice that
we make you know we're choosing to stop and listen and to care and to
try to work to fit more together and be more competitive but I believe in soul mates me too
infatuation is pretty funny because when we first started dating we were so young that we
were we didn't want to say love you're trying to be realistic about highschool dating and so
for the longest time we would say that we really liked each other we weren't infatuated with each
other and then it eventually turned into a I think I love you took a bit before we said that to each
other yeah I think we were about to graduate we both knew we were going to college I had
not decided Jenna had already decided where she was going but I always wanted to be around Jen
and I always wanted Jen in my future and so that I think was a pretty significant point where I knew
that it was more than an infatuation it was more than just liking somebody and it was it was pretty
overwhelming like I liked you a lot but love love is more than just liking someone a lot for me I
think it came from a logical perspective because I'm already quite an emotional person and I was
very emotionally invested in our relationship but when I would stop and think about oh you know do
our morals line up do I want to have children with this person sometime in the future do I see myself
growing old with them do I see this person taking care of me when I'm unable to do I see myself with
his family forever you know thinking and talking about those things and seeing what that could look
like and then really being like yes I want this one of the ways that you can kind of put your
toe in the deep end and test the waters is how many kids do you want do you want to get married
those kind of questions those are the beginning of the really deep questions but then it's like what
are your thoughts on like human rights in this country what are your thoughts on like the death
penalty what are your thoughts on abortion like really really complicated gritty stuff and it's
not necessarily agreeing on all of these things right off the bat but it's more like not having
the fear to go there being so safe and comfortable with each other that you'll literally feel safe
talking about anything anything when we were dating like we thought that was the fullness
of love that you could experience until we got married and we were like oh my gosh this is such
a greater level than I thought was possible but then when we had kids well just one when we had
aria that was at another level completely and every time it hit us upside the head we totally
didn't expect it it was almost like shocking and overwhelming and I'm sure in the future more of
those things will happen but I just I kind of hope it just makes us reach more level would you say
what makes you compatible with the soul mate is something that you want or something that you need
or a combination - oh is this an been question relationship Benjamin at Benjamin's I think
it's that both people have to have their needs and wants pointing toward the same direction so you're
both working toward the same wants in the same needs you have to both listen and give at the same
time in the same place even if it's like these are my wants and needs and you're meeting them but I'm
not hearing your wants and needs and also meeting them it makes an imbalance relationship and you
could be having a lot of thoughts and feelings that you're not being open with sharing so I was
thinking that like through the different stages so like let's just say it's it's your traditional
idea of like dating marriage and whatnot is dating you would have a happy fulfilling fun relationship
and then marriage is kind of like you'd settle down and then after marriage there's more of
like a long haul and that you're together for all sorts of different experiences like children
that is just like one example others could be like buying a house buying a house together a
passing of a family members like not just good but also bad but through that your to experience
different needs and wants like you might need somebody to be more compassionate or you might
need somebody to be more like serving in terms of like a child is not going to change its own
diaper and if only one person is changing it's a little bit hard how you would define a soulmate
changes over that period of time is based on your life experiences that you're going through and so
if it's children marriage if it's just fun dating you're going to be having different expectations
out of your partner like you have to give more the deeper you get right for both parties I mean you
receive a lot but I think your focus has to be the giving to get closer together which is kind
of like backwards but I feel like that's like the healthy way of working toward a good relationship
how do we keep being in love how do we Jen is it because I woke up like this because I I will say
that after aria your love language has changed you know that was some getting used to and so I
think that that's something that a lot of people should be prepared for because Aria was a big
sacrifice timewise one of the things you started to appreciate more was acts of service if you guys
know about the five love languages maybe that'll be a future topic so words of affirmation turned
into acts of service yeah you got show me yeah so before it was encouragement encouragement pep
talks kind of stuff but then it turned more into if the dishes were done if I volunteered more to
change Arya's diaper or even just like household chores like laundry and vacuuming you know one
of the big things I always tell people when they have that question is like oh how do you stay in
love after all those years is never stop chasing that person and what we mean isn't that you have
to like do up your hair and your nails and your shoes and your especially your heels um like you
did on the first date it's more that you have to let the other person know that you still desire
them that you still want to have that feeling of running for them and running towards them I think
it's so easy for people to just get complacent oh we've been married for however many years I
don't have to try anymore but for me trying means that I do want to like get extra pretty on a date
night and I do want to do things that let him know that I still love him just as much as I
did ten years ago and that can be different for every couple you know just in the ways that you
feel fulfilled acknowledging what makes that other person feel wanted and desired and then constantly
not forgetting to do those things I would say to remember that you have all of the years in
the world in the future once you're with someone to be closer with that person and more alike and
learn things about them and discover things about them so I think it is important to be open-minded
to discovering who that person is and all of the intricacies of them and not being maybe so quick
to judge I feel like when you first start dating someone you'll always get to a point where you
hit that wall and say oh oh now I'm starting to see the things I don't like but in a long-term
relationship that doesn't change you still see all the gross horrible mean negative sights about them
it's just that you make a choice that you also see the good beautiful wonderful kind joyful
things about them and that means more it's never going to be like oh if you see three bad things
we're through because that wouldn't be any kind of long-term relationship but on the flip side of
that also know what your hard lines are before you start out because you don't want to just invest
yourself in a relationship that you know is going to burn you later on so when it comes to things
like big questions that you think are right and wrong can be hard lines it's much easier if you
agree about those things to begin with you don't need to compromise who you are as a person in
order to feel like you belong with somebody know the things that are really really important to
you those things might be religion politics a lot of stances on like parenting email you know talk
about those things before you have a kid before you get married or even like finances there are so
many things that are really big important topics that it is much easier to navigate the details
of to different people when the big things are already agreed on but then be really open-minded
when it comes to the smaller things your fashion sense or your taste in music or your taste in food
those things can go and come in in waves and you can change those over time now is important no no
Jemmy talented funny thanks for not remembering me you know yo he was super he was like the the
one line not class clown but like the quiet clone good me I'm sorry for you
me I think what does it mean yet I think it was me but we both liked it we like to eat
no just like onion haseo comes home you got that kind of stuff seven one I think it'll be a girl no
gender disappointments no baby no we're talking to you notice it was not the SeaWorld and swam
with the dolphin named Lester Discovery Cove and we swam with the dolphin I mean blends
bears old Star Wars which one second one which of the first three the second oh yeah pretty
long as for like nine years of his Moulin Rouge right now it's but I don't even know
if I would know what my favorite okay well they also really like Mean Girls you doing
well I hope you guys enjoy our soulmate chat our little s'mores by the fireside
you guys have any questions or or soul mate advice leave that down below you
can leave future topics you'd also like us to talk about and follow us on Instagram
where you can also ask us questions that might pop up in future ask Jen
embed videos just use a hashtag and if you see us on the street give us a high-five
okay we love you guys and we'll see you in the next one
you