On Friday night,
Trump received the spookiest news of all.
Special Counsel Robert Mueller was going
to drop his first indictments.
And by the way, by the way,
if Robert Mueller doesn't walk into every interrogation room
saying, "It's Mueller time," he's wasting his life.
-(laughter) -Yeah, he is.
Like, first thing he should do every time he walks in,
just be like, "Hey, perp, what time is it?"
"Uh, 6:45?"
"Wrong. It's Mueller time.
You just lied to the FBI."
So everyone was waiting to find out who was maybe going to jail,
and early this morning, we all discovered.
-♪ ♪ -A Fox News alert.
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort slapped
with a 12-count federal indictment,
including conspiracy against the U.S.,
money laundering and failure to disclose foreign lobbying.
This is a bad day for Paul Manafort.
MAN: They threw the book at him.
He's looking at ten to 15 years in prison.
Happy Halloween, bitch.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
What a crappy day for Paul Manafort.
Although at least it happened before Halloween,
because now he can change his costume to sexy convict.
-(laughter) -This is good. This is good.
And it really doesn't look good.
12 counts, including conspiracy against the United States.
I don't even know what that means, but it just sounds bad.
So, uh, Paul Manafort has now been charged with lobbying
for the government of the Ukraine
and not telling the U.S. government he did this.
He's also been charged with laundering
tens of millions of dollars into secret foreign bank accounts
in remote island nations around the world.
Which basically makes Manafort one eye patch away
from being a Bond villain, straight up.
And after Manafort turned himself in this morning,
he pled not guilty to all charges.
Which means now we could get to see him in court.
And I pray to God that he has to testify.
Because we already know from the campaign
that he is the world's worst liar.
To be clear, Mr. Trump has no financial relationships
with any Russian oligarchs?
If that's what he said, uh, uh, that's what I s...
that's... obviously what the... our position is.
Ab-ba-ba, ba-ba, ab-da-ba, sha-ba-ba, ba-da-ba-da-ba.
(laughter)
I like imagining Paul Manafort trying to tell
a "that's what she said" joke.
"Mr. Manafort, your prison sentence could be long
and hard to handle."
"That-that-that's what she... well, but that...
"that's what I... that's what I...
"sai... that's obviously the position
that-that she mentioned that. Duh."
So, Robert Mueller has indicted
Donald Trump's former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort--
or, as Trump's people call him, "New phone, who dis?"
Today's announcement has nothing to do with the president,
has nothing to do with the president's campaign
or campaign activity.
There is absolutely nothing in these indictments
that in any way involves the campaign.
The president had nothing to do with coordination, collusion
(garbled): or cooperatio... with Russia.
Nobody at the campaign did that I'm aware of.
(garbled gibberish): ...cooperatio... with Russia.
Cooperatio... Corey Lewandowski always reminds me
of an angry old man speaking without his dentures.
(garbled): Cooperatio... with Russia.
Get... give me back my teeth. Wah!
Now, look, now, this part
of what everyone in Trump's camp is saying is true.
It is true. None of Manafort's charges
relate directly to the campaign.
But I don't know if they are willfully ignoring it
or are completely oblivious to what's going on here.
What happened this morning
wasn't just a 12-count indictment.
It was Bob Mueller signaling
that he's not just going after collusion, people,
he'll take you down for any crime,
including pre-campaign financial crimes,
aka Donald Trump's career.
(laughter)
But I can see why Team Trump
was happy with this morning's news--
because at least it wasn't about them colluding with Russia.
And then... this happened.
-♪ ♪ -This is CNN Breaking News.
A former foreign policy advisor to the Trump campaign
has pleaded guilty to lying to FBI officials.
The complaint says George Papadopoulos,
he lied about his contacts with foreign nationals
who had close connections to the Russian government.
It's still Halloween, bitches.
(laughter, applause, whooping)
Just two hours... two hours after the Manafort story broke,
we suddenly find out that one of Trump's campaign advisors,
George Papadopoulos, was trying to connect the Trump campaign
with Russian government officials
who had dirt on Hillary.
So now the story is back to Trump-Russia collusion.
Yeah. You know what would be hilarious?
Is if this news broke
right as Trump was popping the champagne
about the Manafort thing.
He was like, "Yeah, the Mueller indictment
has nothing to do with me."
-(pretends to pop champagne cork) -(whoops)
"Mike Pence, come over here.
"Let's get them titties wet. (whoops)
"Yeah, yeah. (whoops)
"Wait, wait, wait, wait. Another indictment?
"Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, goddamn champagne.
"No. Stop. This is not the time, champagne.
"Mike Pence, dry them titties. Dry them titties.
Dry them titties."
(regular voice): And Mike Pence should dry them titties,
because unlike Manafort's indictment,
Papadopoulos' crime does relate directly
to colluding with Russia, which makes the situation
much more dangerous to Donald Trump,
especially given this little detail.
TV REPORTER: We know he's cooperating.
He was actually arrested in late July.
And court documents say he's repeatedly been questioned
by the government since then and has been providing answers.
A Papadopoulos indictment has got to be the one
that has, uh, has Trump world really sweating
because it's a guilty plea.
It directly deals with collusion and he is cooperating.
That's right, folks... it's Mueller time.