WE PROBABLY MOE -- KNOW A
PERSON WHO HAS A VERY SET WAY
OF THINKING.
IN THE "RELATIONSHIP
REBOOT," HOW RIGID THINKING CAN
HURT RELATIONSHIPS AND
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO
PARENTING.
JOINING US IS OUR
RELATIONSHIP GURU.
KIRSTEN, GREAT TO HAVE YOU.
GREAT TO BE HERE.
MAYBE IT'S A PARENT OR
SPOUSE THAT HAS THE "MY WAY OR
THE HIGHWAY" THINKING.
I GUESS WHAT IS THE -- THE
PROBLEM WITH THAT?
THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS,
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T LIVE IN A
WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING IS GOOD
OR EVERYTHING IS BAD OR AN
EITHER/OR THING.
THERE'S A LOT OF GRAY.
YOU MAY NOTICE I'M WEARING GRAY
TO BE CONGRUENT WITH THE COLOR.
I LOVE IT.
A LOT OF SHADES OF GRAY IN
MANY THINGS SO WHEN PEOPLE ARE
REALLY RIGID IN THEIR
RELATIONSHIPS, THERE'S NO GIVE
SO THERE'S NO -- THE IDEA OF
GIVE-AND-TAKE, IT'S A SIMPLE
ONE AND REALLY IMPORTANT AND
WHEN ONE PERSON DOES NOT HAVE
THAT ABILITY, THEN THINGS CAN
GO SOUTH REALLY FAST.
IT'S EASY TO SAY THIS IS
EASY BUT IF YOU -- I THINK
SOMETIMES WE'RE BEING TOLD
YOU'RE COMPROMISING WHO YOU ARE
IF YOU'RE GIVING TOO MUCH.
HOW DO YOU FIND THAT BALANCE?
RIGHT, THAT GOES BACK TO
BOUNDARY AND SORT OF WHO YOU
ARE IN RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?
IF YOU FIND THAT PEOPLE ARE
SAYING THINGS TO YOU LIKE, "CAN
YOU SEE IT MY WAY?"
OR "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT IT MAY FEEL LIKE TO BE
ME?"
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
I SEE THAT A LOT IN MY OFFICE
WHEN ONE SPOUSE MAY BE VERY
RIGID AND SORT OF LIKE, NO,
THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE,
AND THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT
IN THEIR ARGUMENT AND THE OTHER
SPOUSE IS LIKE, YIKES, WHAT DO
I DO?
THAT GIVE-AND-TAKE.
YOU SAY THIS AFFECTS
PARENTING.
YES, VERY MUCH SO, RIGHT?
WHY IS IT -- ALL OF US,
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, HAD PARENTS
SAY "YOU NEED TO DO THIS
BECAUSE I SAID SO."
AND I HAVE FOUND MYSELF SAYING
THAT BUT WHEN IT COMES OUT --
AH.
EXACTLY, BUT HERE'S THE KEY
-- NOT OFTEN, RIGHT?
THAT'S THE KEY.
AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING IS WHEN
YOUR STYLE OF PARENTING IS "MY
WAY IS THE HIGHWAY" WHEN KIDS
SHOULD ALWAYS ACT LIKE GROWN-
UP, NO ROOMS FOR MISTAKES OR
ERRORS, WHEN YOU BUNNISH
WITHOUT EXPLANATION, OR WHEN
YOU EXERCISE YOUR POWER AS A
PARENT.
AS PARENTS, WE'RE REALLY
POWERFUL, THROUGH FEAR WITH AND
AUTHORITY.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE AN
AUTHORITARIAN PARENT.
IT'S HARD TO DISTINGUISH
SOMETIMES BECAUSE WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT A PARENT, YOUR JOB
IS TO TEACH WHAT IS RIGHT AND
WRONG.
EXACTLY.
THE DIFFERENCE COME FROM NOT
EXPLAINING WHERE YOU'RE COMING
FROM.
EXACTLY.
THIS IS THE MAJOR WAY
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN THINKING FOR
THE LAST 20 YEARS.
THERE'S DEMAND ON ONE HAND,
WHAT WE EXPECT FROM OUR I CAN,
AND THEN SUPPORT, HOW WE
SUPPORT OUR KIDS.
AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING HAS
HIGH DEMAND, HIGH EXPECTATION,
LOW SUPPORT.
YOU WANT TO THINK ABOUT
AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING WHICH
SOUNDS SIMILAR, BUT THAT'S HIGH-
DEMAND, HIGH EXPECTATIONSES,
HIGH SUPPORT, AND THAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE.
YOU DON'T JUST COMPLETELY
SWING THE PENDULUM.
WE CALL THAT PERMISSIVE AND
BRINGS WITH IT A HOST OF OTHER
ISSUES.
WHAT HAPPENS TO A KID WHEN
YOU'RE THE CHILD OF AN
AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING STYLE?
THE KIDS TENDS TO COME OUT
OUTWITH DUALISTIC TYPES OF
THINKING -- THIS OR THAT.
AND A MORE SUBTLE, GRAY WAY OF
LOOK AT THINGS, IS THEY HAVE
TROUBLE DEALING WITH EMOTIONS
BECAUSE THEY'RE PRESSURED TO
CONFORM ALL THE TIME SO THEY
DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS TO DEAL
WITH HARD EMOTIONS.
WHAT ARE EXAMPLES YOU CAN
GIVE FOR PARENTS OF MAYBE
YOU'RE RECOGNIZING "I'M
HEARING THAT, THAT MAY BE ME."
WHAT ARE WAYS TO EASE INTO A
LESS-RIGID THINKING?
THE FIRST THING I WOULD SAY
IS LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD.
SO LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT
GONNA SAY "YOU CAN'T RUN IN THE
STREET" OR "YOU CAN HAVE THIS
SNICKERS BAR."
IT'S LISTENING WHAT THEY HAVE
TO SAY AND SOMETIMES JUST
LISTENING TO THEM AND THEN
HAVING A CONVERSATION ABOUT
THIS RULE OR THIS THING THAT
WENT WRONG IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
THERE ARE PARENTS WHOSE
CHILDREN SAY TO THEM -- THE
KIDS ARE LIKE, "STOP TALKING TO
ME."
THE PARENTS ARE TALKING.
BUT THEN THE THING IS IN THE
WAY OUR WORLD IS GOING AND THE
ECONOMY IT IS TODAY, KIDS WHO
HAVE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE,
WHICH IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT
IS TIED IN HERE, WILL DO THE
BEST.
THERE'S A LOT OF RESEARCH.
THEY NEED TO HAVE TOOLS TO
UNDERSTAND HOW TO SEE THEIR
WORLD AND HOW TO UNDERSTAND IT
AND PARENTS TALKING TO THEM IS