♫
...and so that's when she brought up Anna Paquin, and it all went downhill from there.
[PAUL] Wow. How did she not see that coming?
I don't know, man.
Hey, do you think we could get Gordon in on this? Uh, do you do three-way calling?
You mean four-way calling.
No, I mean three-way calling.
[ADAM] All calls are three-way calls. Raah!
Even this one?
Even this one.
I count two of us.
Count again, Paul. It's you, me, and Mike.
[PAUL] Mike?
Say hello, Mike!
Please don't directly address me, Mr. Manley. We’ve been over this.
Mike is with the NSA.
Why is there a guy from the NSA in on our call?
Dude, Paul, where have you been? The NSA is in on every phone call.
Seriously?
Oh yeah, every phone call is a three-way call, now. The caller, the callee, and Mike.
Please don't directly reference me. I don’t officially exist.
Mike, everybody already knows you’re there.
Well, I didn't!
Paul, you seriously haven't heard about all this? Edward Snowden, NSA monitoring, the
death of privacy?
I've been kind of busy watching movies.
Watching movies? Really. That's gonna be your excuse?
I review movies professionally! It takes a lot of time!
There's so much wrong with that excuse, I don't even know where to start.
That IS pretty bad.
Don't YOU start!
It's not a good idea to backtalk to a federal agent, Mr. Fleece.
Sorry. Wait, doesn't this violate, like, a million wiretapping laws?
Absolutely not.
Why not?
We’re just gathering the data, sir. We don’t actually look at any of it without a warrant.
But you’re listening to our phone call right now!
No, I’m not.
Then how are you talking to me?
You have no evidence to prove this exchange is taking place.
IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!
Are you recording this conversation?
Uh...no.
Eeexactly.
Adam, how does this not scare the stuffing out of you?
I already share everything on social networking.
That’s true, he does.
Hey, Mike, did I tell you my grandpa got his test results back today?
It was a false alarm. He just needs to watch what he eats.
Bingo.
I was happy to hear it.
An NSA spy is happy to hear Adam's grandpa is okay?
The federal government cares about the well-being of all its citizens.
Really.
Also, his grandpa's a real stand-up guy. Fought in World War II. POW and a veteran.
We owe him a debt.
He’s a veteran, so you SPY on him? That doesn’t seem right to me.
It’s for his protection.
I’ve met Adam’s grandpa, he’s a tough dude. What could possibly threaten him enough
to require this level of protection?
The terrorists.
The terrorists?
They're everywhere.
Really. You think there's a terrorist in this phone call right now?
Actually, he does. See, Mike here thinks every call is automatically a FOUR-way call.
What could POSSIBLY make him think that?
I don't know. Hey Cobra, what do you think?
Adam, I've told you, you can't address me directly in calls that Mike is listening to!
Mike's listening to EVERY call.
Fair point.
Wait, there's ACTUALLY a terrorist in this call?
Actually, I'm an intelligence agent working for a legitimate government.
Then why are you spying on us?
It's my job. It's pretty much a given that countries spy on each other for the sake of
national security. Right, Mike?
I can neither confirm nor deny that. But yes.
I'm not certain how comfortable I am with enemies of the United States listening to my phone calls!
Oh, don't worry. We're allies.
Well, then WHY ARE YOU SPYING ON US?
Because you're spying on us.
No we aren't! Well, Mike might be, but WE'RE not!
We can't know that unless we spy on you.
To be fair, Paul, we gave them the idea.
[PAUL] Because we started spying first?
No, because Hollywood loves making spy movies.
That's actually where we got the idea. If I were permitted to have opinions, I would
say that I enjoy spy movies.
Reeeaaally? Including the most famous one: James Bond, a FOREIGN agent?
That sounded awfully racist, Mr. Fleece.
Or at least xenophobic.
My superiors would like confirmation that Paul Fleece is a xenophobic racist.
What--? I--I--I didn't say anything like that!
I believe that our country is willing to concede that point.
No no no! No we’re not.
If you can concede a point to my government, it may mean world unity. We may be able to
work out an accord.
Based on the idea that I’m a xenophobe?
Isn’t world peace worth a little embarrassment?
I--I--I don’t...
Mr. Cobra, I recommend we meet with the secret council of international secrets. I think
we can all agree on this point.
No! You--you can’t do that! That’s a lie!
The cake is a lie, Mr. Fleece. This is the cold, hard truth. Cobra?
I think this is the beginning of a new day for international relations. Thank you for
your cooperation, Mr. Fleece.
This is cause for celebration. Meet me at the bar around the corner?
I’ll be there in five minutes. And then will you tell me where the metal gears are?
I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of these metal gears. But yes.
Congratulations, Paul. You’ve just achieved world peace. What are you going to do now?
I am gonna hide in my bed for the next 32 years.
Yeah, that’s probably for the best. If the government says you’re a racist xenophobe,
then it must be true. And nobody likes a racist xenophobe. Goodbye, Paul.
Hey Mike, you still on the line?
Of course I am.
After drinks with Cobra, you wanna watch some James Bond?
If I were allowed to have opinions, I would--
Mike.
I would like that very much. See you in an hour.
[WHIMPERING]
♫
[WHIMPERING]