What should you expect if your loved one is in early recovery, as in they're recently sober,
they're working on their recovery this is actually a video that was requested by one of our
viewers recently and I thought to myself, yeah, that's a great topic idea so let's get into it
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down this is the YouTube
channel all about helping you understand this science and psychology so you can get back to
living the life that you want to live, get your life and your family back on track this is the
only channel out there that's dedicated to helping you understand this issue from every single angle
and the angle we're looking at today is trying to help family members have a realistic understanding
and expectation about those early days and weeks of the recovery process so the big thing here is
the fact that you've waited for a long time for your loved one to address this problem, right?
Probably years, years, and years right and you've been through the mud and the muck,
and you're probably 10 miles past your limit and so once they finally do decide to get sober,
you are so ready for it you're way past Ray for actually, right but I want you to hold your
horses because even when someone decides to get sober, it's not like an overnight transformation
and we don't sort of consciously think that, but subconsciously we think if they could just realize
they have a problem and they could just decide to stop, it's going to solve all of our problems
everything is going to get better and it's just going to be great and wonderful and rainbows
and sometimes you have a brief period that is kind of like that
when people get clean and sober, we call that the pink cloud phase
because sometimes people, especially if it's their first time or so have
like a trying to do this, they go through this phase of being
excited about it and thinking like, why did I do this before? I'm gonna get everyone on those
I run, I just talking about all the time and they're just so happy right?
Not everyone has that phase but a lot of people however pink cloud can't last forever
there's an old recovery saying that says you better have a pink parachute because you're
coming down from the pink cloud so I want you to have a more realistic understanding
of how the recovery process works, because it definitely is not an overnight switch
I mean, first and foremost, there's a lot of brain chemical changes going on, right their
mood is going to go up and down they're going to be irritable they're going to be emotional
and that's going to last for quite some time, it'll get better and better,
but just because you take the substance out suddenly does not mean everything is fixed
it's going to take some time to adjust so you can expect for your loved one to be more irritable,
cranky, kind of sensitive and probably a little defensive about the issue I know you're thinking,
okay, they get it they know it's a problem they're going to be ready to admit it and talk about
it but even when they get it, and I know it's a problem, they might not be ready to talk about it
cause they feel crappy about it well, they feel physically crappy cause using or drinking or
whatever anymore, but they also feel emotionally crappy about everything that happened they feel
ashamed and so don't expect that it's going to be easy for them to just talk about right out
the gate and here's another one don't expect that they want to talk about it all the time
right out the gate, family members usually want to talk about it nonstop because it's all we can
think about and it's like, what are they doing? Are they still good? Are they in a good mindset?
And so everything we say to them, we want it to be about that that's a mistake,
right? Let your loved one, take the lead and what they want to talk about related to their recovery
if you are going to ask a question, don't make it questions all the time,
make it a well-timed question that seems like it works in the moment right and do it from
a standpoint of curiosity, love and concern not like from a probation officer's standard
did you go to your meeting today? Did you call your sponsor response, or did you do this?
Did you see your probation officer? Did you take your drug test? You know,
Try to do it from a place of concern I do have videos where I talk more about this, but one
good, easy standard way to do that is to say, Hey, what do you think about your
probation officer? Or what are they like? What are those meetings like?
Are there people in there that seem cool? Are there annoying people,
like a real genuine interest in what they're going through? Not a checklist of are they behaving,
right? They may not want to talk about it at all, but I can promise you if
you come at it from a curiosity stance, They're more likely to engage with you
if you get the impression that they don't want to talk about it at all,
it's not necessarily a bad time it could just mean that they're sensitive about it
so if you see that their behaviors are looking like they're in the right direction,
they're doing the right things, but they don't want to talk about it
that's still an overall good sign if you see their behaviors are not in a good direction and
they don't want to talk about it, that might not be such a good sign but overall, I just don't want
you to expect for everything to change at once speaking of that I know as a family member like
I know I get it I truly, get it you probably are frustrated because you felt like you have been
holding up all the responsibilities for yourself, for that person, possibly for the whole family
and you are ready for them to step in and do what they're supposed to do, right?
Like either get a job or help with the kids or get back to school or get up early in the mornings or
whatever it is, you're ready for them to get to it well, these things will come back into play
if the person is working on their recovery, but it's not likely to come back all at once
so I strongly suggest to families who have a loved one in these early sober days,
don't be pushing them on everything at once
don't be pushing them about stopping nicotine, if they use nicotine or getting up on time or,
you know, just don't rush them back I know they need to do those things right I totally
get it and if they're in a sober living, the sober living may push them to do that
at the time and write the sober living
thinks that they're ready to do that but as a family member,
Be careful of this like for example, last week we were working with a family
and they wanted their young loved one to stop the nicotine at the same time
and another family wanted, , the person to work on their weight loss at the same time
and in a general sense, from a willpower point of view of brain point of view,
it might not be the wisest thing to try to get them to fix everything all at once
I know you're ready for them to do it cause you've been waiting way too long I'm not
saying it's fair I'm not here to tell you what's fair I'm here to tell you what works
now another big thing that I see come up a lot with family members is they expect the amends
and the apologies right out the gate in fact, you like, I done heard them in recovery you
make some amends and say some apologies where is my amends I've been waiting for it right?
Well, not every recovery program has an amends section
if your loved one is working a 12 step program, there is an amends step in there, but it's not
until the later steps and it's sort of purposely designed that way so give it some time and
even if they're not saying it, look at their behaviors because sometimes people's behaviors
say it right? Like, even if they're not directly verbalizing it to you, are they being kind to you?
Are they understanding, are they trying to do better? Are there other things
that you can look at and see? Well, maybe that's their way of trying to acknowledge
the problem and making an amends I don't want you to take all this as me saying,
Hey, just let them get by with whatever, as long as they're sober
that's not what I'm saying, but I am saying have a realistic expectation
because believe it or not, most people, they don't have this big
spiritual experience where they change overnight it's more of a slow progress
kind of thing and you'll see them change a little bit and a little bit and a little bit
and before you know, it they're a different person, but give it some time
now, if you're watching this video and you're wondering,
is my loved one ever going to change or do they mean it? Are they trying to change?
Then I'm going to put a link in the description you can download my list of statements that
people make when they're trying to change, or they're at least thinking about changing
cause some of those aren't necessarily things that you might be listening out for,
but they're actually good indicators and to go right along with that up next, I'm going to put
this video up for you about the stages of change these are the actual stages that people go through
when they're moving from active addiction to recovery, put it right up here
all you have to do is click it