Let's kick it off with some breaking news from Puerto Rico.
After weeks of protests
over corruption and leaked text messages,
Governor Ricardo Rosselló is expected to resign from office.
Yeah. He's going out.
(applause and cheering)
Now, uh... he said he doesn't want to do it,
and he's reportedly devastated
and crying tears over the situation.
Luckily, President Trump threw him some boxes of Kleenex
to dry his eyes.
(laughter)
And while Puerto Rico is saying goodbye to its leader,
Great Britain is welcoming a new one.
Breaking news overseas.
Boris Johnson officially becoming
the British Prime Minister today,
replacing Theresa May.
I have just been to see Her Majesty The Queen,
who has invited me to form a government,
and I have accepted.
WOMAN: This photo shows Johnson meeting the queen
at Buckingham Palace to formally take power.
Oh, man. Uh, like, I feel bad for the queen, right?
Once upon a time,
she was appointing people like Winston Churchill,
and now she spends all her time meeting
with blond-haired Shreks.
(laughter)
It's like, she must be like,
"Aren't you America's president?"
Like, "No, no, ma'am. I'm a different weird-looking man."
And you know she's got no (bleep) left to give, right?
'Cause she didn't even bother taking off her purse. Like...
(laughter)
She looks like she's making a Brexit of her own,
like she's off to do something else.
"Sorry, can't chitchat.
I'm off to watch John Wick 3. Best of luck."
(laughter)
And I don't blame her for not caring, 'cause, remember,
this is her 14th prime minister.
Her 14th, yeah.
And the second one in the past three years.
So you know she's over it.
The queen is like a mom
who's sick of meeting her kids' new boyfriends.
You know, she's like, "Oh, another one. Great.
"Is this... is this a real deal now
or just another (bleep) buddy?"
In other news-- if you've ever gotten food delivered
to your house using an app,
you've probably tipped the person
for not spitting in your food, but now, it turns out
that your tip might have been going to someone else.
Now, it's no surprise when you have food delivered,
it costs more because of the delivery fees,
and, of course, the tip.
But more people are bringing attention
to what happens to those tips.
Some companies, like DoorDash and Amazon Flex,
could take that tip and make it part
of the driver's minimum pay.
Here's how that works.
Drivers are guaranteed a minimum per order, say ten dollars.
Well, the customer tips three bucks.
In some cases, instead of the driver making $13,
they still only made ten,
because the tip went toward their minimum payment.
The delivery service now only has
to pay the other seven dollars.
It's called "tipped wage."
Okay, that's just shitty, man.
Yeah, it turns out some delivery apps have been taking the tips
that we give and then counting it
against the delivery person's salary, which is trash, right?
People already don't earn a lot.
You'd think the tips would help, and then they count it?
It shouldn't count towards their salary.
Like, they're completely separate things.
It's like how birthday sex shouldn't count
as normal sex, yeah?
It's a separate system.
That's what I told my wife when she said,
"Oh, we already had sex this week."
Then I was like, "No, that was birthday sex.
Look at the spreadsheets."
I'm joking. I don't... I don't have a wife,
because she left me because I kept a spreadsheet of our sex.
But this is just another reminder
that America has the weirdest rules about tipping.
Like, I don't know how American rules of tipping work.
Like, you're supposed to tip barbers.
You're supposed to tip waiters, cab drivers,
but then, when you try and tip a police officer,
apparently, that's an illegal bribe.
Finally, some news from Australia.
Because the island is isolated,
it's one of the hardest countries to smuggle drugs into.
But if there's one thing El Chapo has taught us,
it's that where there's a will, there's a way.
Criminals got very creative
when trying to smuggle illegal drugs into Australia.
Police announced yesterday,
they seized 15 snow globes
containing liquid meth worth one million dollars.
The snow globes were X-rayed
after the contraband arrived from Canada.
They tested positive for the addictive
and dangerous substance.
There's meth in snow globes?
(laughter)
Damn, Grandma, I didn't know you partied so hard!
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
"I see you."
And you know what?
I wouldn't be surprised
if every snow globe on the planet was filled with meth.
'Cause why else do those things still exist?
(laughter)
You realize snow globes are basically
just Victorian screen savers, right?
It's 2019.
There are no little boys out there like,
"Papa, can I shake the snow globe?
"Oh, how I find great joy in watching pretend snowfall,
for three seconds at a time, Papa."
It's all drugs.
In fact, if you think about it, there are a bunch of things
that I could have told you were suspicious.
Like for instance, the hourglass.
Why are those things still around, huh?
I'm pretty certain that's just cocaine, y'all.
(laughter)
It doesn't make any sense. We have iPhones now.
You could just download the hourglass app.
Come on, people!