[APPLAUSE] HI.
UM, SO I LIKE TO EAT. [LAUGHTER]
SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I DO. IT IS MY FAVORITE OF THE
SURVIVAL-BASED ACTIVITIES.
SURE, I'LL BREED, BUT I DON'T ENJOY IT.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I ALWAYS HEARD THIS THING YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHOP WHEN YOU'RE
HUNGRY. I THINK THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT
GROCERY SHOPPING. I FIND IT TRUE ACROSS THE BOARD.
LIKE IF I GO TO A DEPARTMENT STORE HUNG RIRKS I END UP COMING
HOME WITH A LOT OF MEAT-COLORED CLOTHING.
[LAUGHTER] I'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH FOOD FOR
A LONG TIME.
WHEN I WAS IN THE SECOND GRADE THE TEACHER SAID TO ME IF I HAD
TWO TACOS AND YOU HAVE TWO TACOS AND I GAVE YOU 1/3 OF MY TACOS
AND WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE AND I SAID A FRIEND FOR LIFE.
[APPLAUSE] WE STILL KEEP IN TOUCH.
I WAS BORN A MONTH EARLY AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT IS BECAUSE I
THOUGHT I SMELLED WINGS.
[LAUGHTER] I WANTED OUT.
I LOVE NACHOS.
I LOVE NACHOS, BUT I AM DONE GETTING THEM IN A RESTAURANT
WITH A GROUP OF WOMEN AS A SHARED APPETIZER.
THE SAME THING HAPPENS EVERY TIME.
THE MOMENT THAT THE NACHOS ARRIVE AT THE TABLE, THE WOMEN
ALWAYS ACT SURPRISED BY THE SIZE OF THE PLATE.
[LAUGHTER] IT IS SAME PLATE EVERY TIME.
IT IS A NACHO PLATE PERIOD OF TIME THEY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BIG
IT IS.
THEY ARE LIKE OH, MY GOD! WHAT?
WE HAD NO IDEA WHEN WE ORDERED THE NACHOS GRANDE.
WE'RE WOMEN.
WE EAT LIKE BIRDS.
BIG BIRD! I GET SUCKED INTO IT.
THAT IS THE WORST PART. I GET SUCKED INTO THIS FARCE.
I START ACTING LIKE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE NACHOS.
LIKE I'M CUPPING THEM.
AM I DOING IT?
OH, MY GOD, I DID IT! [APPLAUSE]
DID I DO IT?
I THINK I DID IT. MEANWHILE AT HOME, I'M MAKING
TRAY AFTER TRAY OF NACHOS.
I CAN HANDLE THEM AT HOME.
AT HOME, IF A COUPLE OF NACHOS SLIP OFF THE TRAY, I'M HACKY
SACK KICKING THEM.
KICK THEM OVER MY SHOULDERS AT HOME.
THANK YOU.
I LOVE PIZZA. WHO DOESN'T?
THANK YOU.
I LOVE IT, BUT I WILL NOT GET WITH IT A GROUP OF PEOPLE.
NO THANK YOU. NO, THAT IS A NIGHTMARE TOO
STRESSFUL.
NO ONE ORDERS ENOUGH. I'VE NEVER ONCE SEEN SOMEONE
ORDER ENOUGH PIZZA. NOT A SINGLE TIME HAS THAT EVER
HAPPENED. I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO
SPEAK UP. PEOPLE SAY THIS TERM.
A PIZZA PARTY.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING. IT AIN'T NO PARTY.
WHAT IT IS IS A FIGHT TO FILL UP.
[LAUGHTER] WHILE PRETENDING YOU ENJOY THE
COMPANY OF FRIENDS. [LAUGHTER]
PERSONALLY, I NEED A MINIMUM OF THREE SLICES.
I NEED A MINIMUM OF THREE IN ORDER TO HAVE A CHANCE OF
SATISFACTION. AND I NEED TO KNOW IN ADVANCE
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AS LONG AS I END UP WITH THREE.
THE FIRST THING IS JUST ME NOTICING THAT I'M EATING PIZZA.
NOT REALLY EATING IT YET. THE SECOND SLICE, I COULD ENJOY
IT BUT NOT IF I KNOW THAT IS MY FINAL SLICE.
I NEED TO KNOW THERE IS A THIRD SLICE WAITING KIND OF A DISMOUNT
SLICE FOR ME TO ENJOY THE SECOND SLICE OF PIZZA.
IT IS PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE IN THE
PRESENT IN THIS LIFE. I DON'T LIKE WHEN I'M WITH A
GROUP OF FRIENDS AND WE'RE SITTING AROUND AND THERE IS A
CLOSED PIZZA BOX ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND I'VE LOST TRACK OF WHO
HAS HAD WHAT AND I DON'T KNOW IF THERE IS ANY PIZZA IN THERE.
THAT IS PERSONAL HELL.
USUALLY I'M VERY ON TOP OF IT.
USUALLY I'M LIKE A LAS VEGAS CASINO CARD COUNTER.
I CAN CARRY ON CONVERSATIONS AND STILL BE AWARE HE IS ON HIS
THIRD SLICE.
HE IS SKIPPING HIS CRUSTS, WHICH I THINK IS WRONG.
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE SOMEONE WANTS TO TELL YOU ABOUT
A DEATH IN THE FAMILY OVER HERE AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM EYE
CONTACT AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS.
THAT'S WHEN YOU LOSE TRACK. IT IS HELL, BUT I HAVE A LITTLE
EXCUSE PREPARED FOR THOSE MOMENTS.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO FOR IT.
YOU HAVE TO GO FOR IT IN THIS LIFE.
I LOOKED IT UP. YOU KNOW?
YOU HAVE TO HAVE COURAGE. YOU HAVE TO GO FOR IT.
OH, I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANOTHER SLICE.
I GO I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF THERE WAS ONE OF THOSE LITTLE
WHITE PLASTIC TABLES. I LIKE TO TAKE THOSE HOME AND
PUT THEM IN MY GARBAGE DOLL HOUSE.
I'LL TELL FRIENDS AND FAMILY I HAVE A GARBAGE DOLL HOUSE AT
HOMEMADE ALMOST EXCLUES ILY OF FOOD-BASED TRASH BECAUSE I'D
RATHER BE PERCEIVED AS A FOOD TRASH HOARDER THAN STILL
HUNGRY. THAT IS ALL FOR ME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.