Next question. This one is from Craig. He says "Hi Tripp. First off, I have to thank you with
sincere gratitude for all you provide, who you are and what you do, I could fill a page." Thanks,
my friend. "I've listened carefully to hundreds of your podcasts and have learned so much from
your advice and suggestions. Really appreciate it man. My question is regarding oneitis." Uh-oh,
I think we're finding a theme here. "My question is regarding oneitis and tips on how to avoid
it. When I meet and like a girl who I start hanging out with I have so much trouble with
not latching on. My backstory: After meeting my ex wife in college on a Thursday night,
she was my girlfriend the next morning and became a 24 year relationship.
We divorced two years ago after a 20 year marriage that ended for the best, and we remain friends and
great co parents to our two kids. We just drifted apart, lost attraction and both stopped trying.
Now I find myself 48 and alone in the dating world after crawling out of a 30 year bunker.
The world has changed a lot in that time. My past relationship has caused problems with me
expecting things to happen fast and a whole set of other issues that I've been addressing. I have
no problem meeting women and going on dates. But with limited time I find myself focusing on one
at a time with serious oneitis - giving them too much attention and getting friendzoned. I
really am working on it and following the great advice you give on the podcast. But
any way you could offer a couple of important tips for someone in my position? Thanks, Craig."
Great question, Craig. Okay. This is a very common problem I see with guys. It's been a
problem I've encountered with a lot of guys way longer than I was even a dating coach. I remember
talking to friends of mine when we were in our early 20s when we were going out
and dating women and I have some friends, even friends to this day, who say to me
that they can't really date more than one woman at a time because they get too attached.
And when they get too attached... well in your case, I don't know why you're getting
friendzoned - that sounds like something separate of an issue. But when they get
attached to a woman, it makes it harder to date other women as well. I never personally
had that problem. But I can understand, I can relate to the situation. I understand that
at times it might be tunnel vision where there's this one girl that you're interested in and all
of a sudden it's like ah, you can't even think about any other women because you're so into them.
And for some guys, that happens very fast. For me personally, that never happened very fast. I had
a little bit more of an ability to date many women at once. And kind of giving more women a shot and
seeing what would happen with each of them. This is one of your issues. How do you get over this?
Well, let's first start here, you might not get over it.
This might just be a part of your personality.
I have some friends, even clients that I've talked to in the coaching program, who just refuse,
they're like sorry, it's just not gonna happen. Like I just can't have emotions or feelings for
more than one woman at a time. And there's nothing I can do about it. Well, in a way, I'd call this a
little bit of a handicap, I'll be real with you. Because it's not very time efficient.
So it's not the best. I don't really know what to tell you there. I mean,
if you're telling me there's no way, you can fight it, that's just how it's gonna be, I don't know,
that's it. That's just how it's gonna be. You're gonna have to go kind of one by one. But let's
dive deeper into your question here with this one itis where you said I find myself focusing
on one at a time with serious one itis. So guys, for you that don't know, one-itis is just a term
in the dating advice pickup community that means you're head over heels on one girl.
"Itis" meaning like it's a disease, one-itis. You're so head over heels over one woman and
you can't think about anyone else. It could be that you are looking for a woman to complete
some of the insecurities that you might have. You might be looking for a woman to solve your
loneliness problems so you just get really deep into one. And one of the ways to combat this...
and this is going to be using more of a logical stance because right now your emotions are taking
over. You got to really think about who this woman is because when I hear one-itis instantly I hear
that term pedestal like we've been talking about - instant pedestal. It's like one-itis? Really?
From dating a girl? From what, two dates? Even 10 dates, like really?
You know, after 10 dates, I can understand you're probably spending a lot of time with this woman.
But that's not a lot of time. You don't really know who this woman is, you're giving these women
too much of the benefit of the doubt. It's like why cuz she's pretty? There's millions of pretty
women. Why? Because she, but this one girl likes that same thing that you like, you guys laugh at
the same thing, you shared a moment that was so nice. Dude, you got to be way, way more strict
with who you're letting into your world and the kinds of women you want to spend time with.
I hear one-itis I hear desperation, which means that you're putting the women on the pedestal
and your gate is just wide open, you're letting anyone through and you can hang out with anybody.
And you don't have your non negotiables intact. Or it's possible, because you're just getting
back out there that this is also new to you. So you're just experiencing women and dating for
the first time. I think a lot of guys... it's like almost as if you're not jaded enough yet.
In kind of a weird way, jaded is kind of a good thing, because at least it gives you it gives you
some standards. Right? It's like good, you're a little jaded, you realize that not everyone
is awesome. Only a few people are, good. So you're not as jaded. I think maybe that's what's
happening to you. You're almost like a guy in your 20s, you're living your 20s again. You're like I'm
dating never did this before. That's like a guy in their 20s. That's what they're doing. So you're
reliving this, or I should say, first living this. And that's probably why you're getting really
attached. That combined with maybe some low self esteem issues potentially looking for something
in her. So everything I'm saying here, to kind of put this all in perspective and to help you,
think about these things. These are all mindsets, mindsets are important. Because they shift our
thinking and when we shift our thinking it shifts our actions. So we think about, okay,
I'm starting to get attached to this girl, she's really cool. But maybe there's
more than meets the eye. Or there's more to this than just a couple of interactions.
Now, I understand post date 10, you're on date 15 date 20, I mean,
yeah, you're really starting to build a connection with someone. And of course,
for more people you're going to have, I wouldn't call that oneitis, that's just
like you're bonding, you're attaching to someone, you're connecting with someone - that's different.
For you, it's obviously happening too fast, use some of those mindsets. Be more picky,
have more standards, and have those mindsets in place so you realize that
this person might not be the end all be all, just because you met them a few times.
You said you have limited time. I've talked about this before, when anything's a priority, you make
more time, you find ways to make more time. I just hate it. I hate that excuse. I can't accept it.
It's like, or sorry you're living in a shitty situation, and I feel bad but that's just your
situation. Meaning maybe you are someone who like this is it. This is the work you're doing,
you love your work, you're going to be a doctor, for example. And you're going to be working this
amount of time and that's that. And even though dating is a priority, the career and the job is
the priority, that's fine. Just be understanding of what is going to be left with time.
It's up to you to kind of fix that portion, and how much time you're willing to give it.
But now you're saying you're giving them too much attention and getting them friendzoned. So yeah,
what's happening here is another reason why, you know, you need to fix this because all that
attention you're giving them because you're just focusing on them, not focusing on some
of the other women it's becoming needy and they're becoming unattracted to you. That is the other
reason why it's so important to be dating multiple women at once so you can live in abundance,
which creates the abundance mindset, which means you're not going to be giving any woman
too much attention, which means you have a higher chance of attraction. So I hope that helps. And
you know, it's gonna be some work, I'm not gonna lie. Then again, I guess this podcast, at least it
seems to me one of the running themes here is hard work. But it's going to take some work to
get yourself out of those current mindsets and getting too giddy off of one woman
and be really clear about who this person is.
Because they're no more special than any other woman that you could possibly meet.