THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!
LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
DID YOU SEE THIS, ACCORDING TO A RECENT ARTICLE,
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S LAWYERS WANT HIM TO SKIP AN INTERVIEW WITH
THE HEAD OF THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION BECAUSE THEY'RE
AFRAID HE'LL LIE UNDER OATH.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S MY QUESTION.
WHY WOULDN'T HIS LAWYERS JUST TELL HIM TO PLEAD "INSANITY"?
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WOULD BE
LIKE, "YEP, HE'S NUTS."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING, IF HIS LAWYERS
REALLY WANTED HIM NOT DO IT, TELL HIM TO DO IT!
TRUMP IS LIKE A CHILD -- IF YOU TELL HIM NOT TO DO SOMETHING, IT
ONLY MAKES HIM WANT TO DO IT MORE.
YOU KNOW?
"DONALD!
DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT INTERVIEW!
DONALD?
NO!
DONALD!" ( LAUGHTER )
IF TRUMP REFUSES THE INTERVIEW, MUELLER COULD SUBPOENA HIM TO
TESTIFY BEFORE A GRAND JURY, WHICH WOULD BE OKAY WITH TRUMP,
PROVIDED IT WAS THE GRANDEST JURY, THE MOST LUXURIOUS JURY OF
ALL THE JURIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN OTHER WHITE HOUSE NEWS, AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP CALLED DEMOCRATS
"UN-AMERICAN" FOR NOT APPLAUDING HIM DURING THE STATE OF THE
UNION SPEECH, DEMOCRATIC SENATOR TAMMY DUCKWORTH TWEETED AT TRUMP
ABOUT USING HIS ALLEGED BONE SPURS TO GET OUT OF VIETNAM.
SHE TWEETED, "I SWORE AN OATH TO DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION OF THE
UNITED STATES... NOT TO MINDLESSLY CATER TO THE WHIMS OF
CADET BONE SPURS."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I KNOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S CRAZY.
WHICH MEANS NOW TRUMP IS SUFFERING
FROM BONE SPURS AND THIRD-DEGREE BURNS.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW THAT TRUMP STARTED IT,
BUT IS THIS WHERE THIS COUNTRY IS RIGHT NOW?
POLITICIANS ARE JUST CALLING EACH OTHER NAMES?
PRETTY SOON PUNDITS ARE GOING TO BE ON CABLE NEWS SAYING, "I
THOUGHT THE PRESIDENT MADE A GOOD POINT WHEN HE SAID, 'I KNOW
YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?'" ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT FAR AWAY!
BUT DUCKWORTH'S RIGHT, IT'S RIDICULOUS THAT TRUMP CALLED
DEMOCRATS "UN-AMERICAN" FOR NOT CLAPPING.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S UN-AMERICAN, AND I SHOULD KNOW.
I ACTUALLY AM AN "UN-AMERICAN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MOVING ON, IT WAS REPORTED TODAY THAT THE COUNTRY'S BIGGEST
ELECTRONIC STORE BEST BUY WILL STOP SELLING C.D.s AS OF
JULY 1.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I KNOW!
I KNOW!
NOW WHERE WILL PEOPLE GO TO NOT PAY FOR MUSIC?
THIS MAKES ME NOSTALGIC, I LOVED CDS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE THRILL OF DIGGING THROUGH
THE CRATES, THE EXCITEMENT OF GOING HOME TO LISTEN TO IT, THE
SEVEN HOURS IT TOOK TO GET IT OPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO CDS STARTING JULY 1ST.
SO, MARK YOUR CALENDARS KIDS, IN FIVE MONTHS YOU'RE FINALLY GOING
TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN SPOTIFY TO YOUR PARENTS.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, IT'S ALL THERE, TAD!
AND SOME HUGE SCIENCE NEWS, JUST THIS AFTERNOON, ELON MUSK'S
-- I COULDN'T SAY THAT.
ELON MUSK'S -- ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S EASY TO SAY ELON MUSK, BUT IT'S HARDER TO SAY ELON MUSK'S.
ELON MUSK'S COMPANY SpaceX IS PRETTY AMAZING.
THEY'VE SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHED THE WORLD'S MOST
POWERFUL ROCKET INTO SPACE HEADED TOWARDS MARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT REALLY IS AMAZING.
THE ROCKET IS NAMED "FALCON HEAVY."
ALTHOUGH IT PREFERS TO BE CALLED THE "FALCON HEY, I'M JUST BIG
BONED."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S MUSK'S DIAGRAM OF THE
ROCKET.
THERE IT IS THERE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WAIT, ARE WE ALLOWED TO SHOW
THAT ON TV?
THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BLURRED?
OKAY.
AND THIS IS TRUE, FOR SOME REASON, THE ROCKET WAS CARRYING
ELON MUSK'S CHERRY RED TESLA SPORTS CAR, WHICH IS PLAYING
DAVID BOWIE'S "SPACE ODDITY" ON REPEAT.
AND I PROMISE YOU THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'VE MADE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ISN'T IT?
THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S DONE.
YOU CAN NUDGE PEOPLE AND GO, THAT'S MY CAR UP THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS IS COMPLETELY REAL,
THIS IS FROM THE LIVE FEED ON THE CAR AS IT ORBITS THE EARTH
RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S COMPLETELY REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS SO COOL, BUT HOW ARE
THEY TRANSMITTING THAT SO CLEARLY?
I CAN'T EVEN GET WI-FI IN THE HALLWAY BETWEEN HERE AND MY
OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S IN SPACE.
NOW WE THINK THAT'S A DUMMY SITTING IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT.
OR A VERY UNDERPAID INTERN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THIS WAS EVEN MORE
INGENIOUS, A GIRL SCOUT IN SAN DIEGO SOLD 300 BOXES OF GIRL
SCOUT COOKIES IN SIX HOURS AFTER SHE SET UP SHOP IN FRONT OF A
WEED DISPENSARY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GENIUS!
EVEN ELON MUSK'S, LIKE, THAT'S PRETTY BRILLIANT.
AND THAT'S WHERE WE ARE THESE DAYS.
YOU CAN BUY WEED IN A STORE, BUT YOU BUY COOKIES OFF THE STREET
CORNER.