There is a difficult question. I don't know if it has been answered by anyone convincingly
Is there a prescription for a successful marital union between husband and wife?
[Ghamidi] They are being pessimistic to assume that we have not had
an answer to this question.
It has been confirmed. Every philosopher, sage and every one else agrees
that every husband should accept that his wife is the Man of the house.
This is a recipe for perpetual peace.
[Ilyas] I would like you to guide us further.
In the modern societal structure, people develop their personality in a certain way,
they have their ambitions, passions and goals.
Wives also have a personality of their own.
In our own culture especially in Pakistan and the subcontinent,
women's independent personality is not appreciated.
There is always a conflict. And women are suppressed.
People have asked me specifically that men usually behave harshly, angrily, in a domineereing way.
Do you have a better advice in the light of your own experiences?
[Ghamidi] The most important aspect is to understand the purpose
of the institution of nikaah.
You should know that it is a participation by individuals
in the scheme devised by Allah.
In other words, God is creating human beings in a way that
we do not descend from the heavens when we are, say, 20 - 25 years old.
A powerless child is put in our embrace.
It can neither sit nor stand by itself.
It can't fulfill its needs. Since the creator has adopted this method
to give birth to the human species, it is due to this reason that the
institution of marriage has been established.
When a man and a woman decide that they are going to live as husband and wife,
they are basically deciding on participating in this scheme of Allah.
If you think about it, there is nothing else which is more honourable than this for a man and woman.
The creator of this universe who has created the heavens and the earth,
he makes us an medium to give birth to one of his creation.
And God puts it in our custody.
And for more or less 20 to 25 years, father and mother have to struggle to
help make the child independent.
It will be nurtured and educated.
And then eventually he becomes an Aristotle or a Plato.
In the meantime our backs start hurting, we reach old age.
Gradually we lose our strength and then we see that we have reached old age.
And when we reach old age, we see that we need our children as
they needed us when they were young.
We need to understand the scheme that God has created.
Unfortunately for us, the institution of marriage
in which obviously God has made an attraction for man and woman,
we have turned it into a romantic love story.
In my opinion, that is acceptable at the level of poetry.
When it comes to marriage you should be quite realistic.
You should decide that you are taking a very responsible decision.
And this decision is for the rest of your life.
And it is going to impact the future generations.
It is a proper institution that we are participating in.
You will spend your life in this institution through restraint and order only.
If a man adopts a negative attitude in this institution,
if he transgresses the limitations set for him in this institution,
then it will lead to chaos.
If a woman adopts the attitude of rebellion,
then it will lead to friction as well.
So while partaking in this institution, you should begin by accepting that
women are not a different creation.
They are also human beings and they are equal to us.
They have the same sort of consciousness that men have, in human terms.
So when you are developing a relationship with a conscious human being,
then you should do it by pondering upon your decision first.
God's Prophet (pbuh) has instructed us that when you are going to get married,
then there are certain principles which God has already made clear,
but both individuals should decide on what conditions they are trying to get admitted
In view of what conditions are they getting married.
What is the nature and temperament of the two parties like?
What sort of things will be excused.
And what are the things that are beyond tolerable.
And what are the things about which they should be cautious
while dealing with each other.
There is no objection in making these things a point of detailed discussion.
These things should be decided and then this major step should be taken.
And once this step is taken, even then they should accept
each other's personalities.
Allah has not created Bata shoes which will come out in the same design.
Woman has her own personality and man has his own personality.
You should decide that there are these two different personalities
who have to come together to make a beautiful home based on certain principles
If one decides on structuring the other into a pre-conceived mould,
then basically one would in fact be condemned to breaking it up altogether.
And it will lead to friction if the husband decides on breaking it up.
And it will still lead to friction if the woman decides on breaking it up.
So you should accept each other's personality,
and then become familiar with their disposition,
their temperament, their way of thinking, their needs,
what the husband and the wife find aesthetically pleasing
and we come to an understanding about the sort of things very quickly,
and it becomes known what we will concur upon and what we will disagree upon.
So, if you decide on the places where you disagree upon and where you don't
and if you decide that you will be happy in places where you agree with them
and when you are in disagreement, you will act like good people who not only tolerate
the points of disagreement but decide on living happily with those disagreements
we will live like those people as well.
So once you decide that it is a very important institution and it has been
established for the rest of your life and its real purpose in the view of God is to
create a new generation, nurturing it and fulfilling its responsibilities.
And it should be decided that you accept this institution as an institution only.
If the Man of the house is given a certain status, then
at the same time he has to shoulder a huge responsibility as well.
Therefore, he should understand his status and women should understand
and do what they ought to do.
Everyone is happy when we get married but,
these rude facts should also become an object of discussion.
We should talk it out.
And even when you try to ascertain everything,
even then everything cannot be pre-decided.
But you should go to every possible length to try and accomplish it.
And tomorrow, if you come across an unpleasant situation,
even there it is important to maintain communication with your better half.
You should talk it out. If you have a disagreement about something,
then the way you tell the rest of the world that
one should resolve a dispute in a civilized manner,
the same method should be applied at home.
You should sit down and talk it out.
You should analyse these things and both should establish this
institution by first accepting the independence of each other's personality.
In my opinion, these are the major points.
Other than that, every individual case has its uniqueness in its own way.
So, these things should be respected.