WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT!
HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING!
THE BIRDS ARE CHIRPING, THE
BROOKS ARE BABBLING, AND THE
NEIGHBORS ARE YELLING FOR ME TO
TURN DOWN MY NATURE SOUNDS C.D.
( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU'RE IN THE NORTHEAST, IT
MAY NOT FEEL LIKE SPRING, SINCE
IT'S STILL PRETTY CHILLY --
THOUGH, JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, IT
WAS IN THE 60S.
GOD, I WISH IT WAS WINTER AGAIN
SO I COULD WEAR SHORTS.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN'T TELL.
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU NEVER KNOW.
OF COURSE, LAST WEEK TRUMP
RELEASED HIS FIRST BUDGET.
THEY'RE CALLING IT A HARD POWER
BUDGET BECAUSE IT FEATURES A
$54-BILLION-INCREASE IN MILITARY
SPENDING, WHILE CUTTING THE
STATE DEPARTMENT BY 28%.
MAKES SENSE.
PBS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
LOOK, TRUMP'S A REAL ESTATE
DEVELOPER.
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
UNTIL HE PUT UP CONDOS ON
"SESAME STREET."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET ♪
♪ HOW TO GET TO "SESAME
STREET" ♪
YOU CAN'T.
IT'S GONE.
( LAUGHTER )
♪ IF ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT
LIKE THE OTHER ♪
♪ ONE OF THESE THINGS WAS CUT
FROM THE BUDGET ♪
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP'S ALSO ELIMINATING THE
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS
AND THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR
THE HUMANITIES.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
HE'S JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE
WELL-ENDOWED.
( APPLAUSE )
PLUS, TRUMP'S SLASHING THE
E.P.A.'S BUDGET BY 31%, AND "THE
GREAT LAKES RESTORATION
INITIATIVE, WHICH FIGHTS
INVASIVE SPECIES LIKE THE SEA
LAMPREY, COULD SEE ITS FUNDING
SLASHED BY 97%."
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE
SEA LAMPREY, YOU MIGHT KNOW IT
AS THE VICIOUS, FLESH-EATING
HELL BEAST FROM YOUR WORST
NIGHTMARES.
( LAUGHTER )
OR AS STEVE BANNON CALLS IT, "MY
MENTOR."
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon
THIS BUDGET IS SO RUTHLESS, IT'S
CUTTING FUNDING FOR "MEALS ON
WHEELS."
REALLY?
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
CUTTING MEALS ON WHEELS?
THAT ISN'T JUST HEARTLESS, IT'S
BAD MARKETING.
YOU STICK WITH THINGS THAT
RHYME.
MEALS ON WHEELS!
CRACK IS WACK!
HOP ON POP!
TWO BUCK CHUCK!
AVOID THE NOID!
BE KIND, REWIND!
THIS PROGRAM PROVIDES ELDERLY
SHUT-INS MINIMAL NUTRITION AND A
SCRAP OF HUMAN DIGNITY.
WHAT KIND OF HEARTLESS MONSTER
COULD BE AGAINST THAT?
>> COLBERT: DID SOMEONE SAY
"FISCAL CONSERVATIVE?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: OH, SAY HELLO, TO MY
CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT COLLEAGUE,
STEPHEN COLBERT.
HEY, STEPHEN, HOW ARE YOU?
>> COLBERT: HELLO, NATION.
STAY STRONG.
BE BRAVE.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, JUST TO BE
CLEAR, YOU ARE NOT THE CHARACTER
FROM MY OTHER SHOW.
ARE YOU?
BECAUSE I REALLY WOULDN'T
WANT --
>> COLBERT: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I COULDN'T BE MORE DIFFERENT
HIS FAVORITE SANDWICH IS A
B.L.T.
I LIKE A T.L.B.
AND THE "B" STANDS FOR BALLS.
DELICIOUS, PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: GOOD TO KNOW.
SO WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU
HAD BREAK INTO MY SHOW?
I WAS DOING A MONOLOGUE.
>> COLBERT: BELIEVE ME, I HAVE
BETTER THINGS TO DO OUT HERE IN
THE WOODS.
I'VE BEEN OUT HUNTING THE MOST
DANGEROUS GAME.
>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE HUNTING
HUMANS?
WITH
>> COLBERT: NO, GRIZZLY BEARS,
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SO SOON?
THEY ARE GODLESS KILLING
MACHINES.
BESIDES --
HUMANS ARE OUT OF SEASON.
I'M HERE BECAUSE AMERICA NEEDS
ME, STEPHEN.
PLUS, I WANTED TO STOP YOU FROM
MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF ON
NETWORK TV WITH YOUR MISGUIDED
ANALYSIS OF TRUMP'S BUDGET.
>> STEPHEN: OH, YOU THINK YOU
CAN DO BETTER?
>> COLBERT: DO BETTER?
MY MIDDLE NAME IS DO.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, WELL, THEN.
THE STAGE IS YOURS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪
THESE WERE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN!
>> Jon: YES, INDEED!
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, NATION.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
TRUMP'S BUDGET IS GETTING HEAT
BECAUSE IT'S SUPPOSEDLY CRUEL TO
OLD PEOPLE FOR NO REASON.
WHEN, IN FACT, THEY'VE GOT A
VERY GOOD REASON.
AND THAT BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
"WERD:"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SCREW UNTO OTHERS.
NOW, YOU HEARD THE GUY WHO
NORMALLY SITS HERE MOANING ABOUT
THESE CUTS TO MEALS ON WHEELS,
BUT THAT GUY'S A WELL-KNOWN
GRANDMA HUGGER.
PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS BUDGET
LACKS COMPASSION, BUT WHITE
HOUSE BUDGET DIRECTOR AND
49-YEAR-OLD TEMP MICK MULVANEY
KNOWS IT'S JUST THE OPPOSITE.
>> I THINK IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF
THE MOST COMPASSIONATE THINGS WE
CAN DO TO--
>> CUTTING PROGRAMS THAT HELP
THE ELDERLY--
>> YOU'RE ONLY FOCUSING ON HALF
THE EQUATION, RIGHT?
YOU'RE FOCUSING ON RECIPIENTS OF
THE MONEY.
WE'RE TRYING TO FOCUS ON BOTH
THE RECIPIENTS OF THE MONEY AND
THE FOLKS WHO GIVE US THE MONEY
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
>> COLBERT: YES, YOU CAN'T JUST
FOCUS ON HELPING THE NEEDY AND
FORGET THE PEOPLE WHOSE TAXES
PAY FOR IT.
THAT'S LIKE PRAYING FOR THE
ACCIDENT VICTIM WHO NEEDED A
TRANSFUSION AND FORGETTING ABOUT
THE GUY WHO'S WALKING AROUND A
PINT LIGHT.
GIVE THE GUY A COOKIE.
( LAUGHTER )
MULVANEY HAD TO CUT MEALS ON
WHEELS BECAUSE THEY "FAILED TO
MEET THEIR OBJECTIVES."
YEAH, IT'S CALLED "MEALS ON
WHEELS," BUT HOW OFTEN DO YOU
SEE A HAMBURGER DRIVING DOWN THE
HIGHWAY?
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING:
"THEY DID MEET THEIR OBJECTIVE.
THEY BROUGHT FOOD TO THE
ELDERLY."
TECHNICALLY, YES, GREG.
AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO
FOOD AFTER WE EAT IT.
WE ARE LITERALLY THROWING MONEY
DOWN THE TOILET.
( LAUGHTER )
AND MEALS ON WHEELS STARTED IN
1972.
I HAVEN'T CHECKED THE STATS, BUT
I'M PRETTY SURE ALL OF THOSE
PEOPLE ARE DEAD NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
BESIDES, MULVANEY SAID, THE
PRIMARY GOAL OF TRUMP'S BUDGET
IS NOT DRIVING CHEETOS TO
GRANDPA AFTER HE GETS THE
MUNCHIES FROM HIS GLAUCOMA POT,
IT'S DEFENDING AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THESE FOOD-ADDICTED SENIORS
HAVEN'T KILLED ANY MEMBERS OF
ISIS.
IF WE WANT TO KEEP AMERICA SAFE,
WHY WASTE MONEY ON MEALS ON
WHEELS THAT COULD BE USED ON
WEAPONS SYSTEMS?
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY
MULVANEY IS BEING CRUEL TO OLD
PEOPLE.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HE'S ALSO BEING CRUEL TO YOUNG
PEOPLE.
BECAUSE HERE'S THE DEAL --
THIS BUDGET ALSO CUTS AFTER
SCHOOL LUNCH PROGRAMS FOR POOR
KIDS, BUT AGAIN, FOR A GOOD
REASON.
>> THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO
DO, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP
KIDS WHO CAN'T-- WHO DON'T GET
FED AT HOME, GET FED SO THEY GET
BETTER IN SCHOOL.
GUESS WHAT?
THERE'S NO DEMONSTRABLE EVIDENCE
THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THAT.
THERE'S NO DEMONSTRABLE EVIDENCE
THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY HELPING
RESULTS, HELPING KIDS DO BETTER
IN SCHOOL.
>> COLBERT: YES, WHY FEED
CHILDREN IF THEY AREN'T DOING
BETTER IN SCHOOL?
TAKE THE FOOD AWAY, AND MAYBE
THEY'LL BE HUNGRY FOR KNOWLEDGE.
( LAUGHTER )
AND REMEMBER, MULVANEY'S NOT
DOING THIS TO BE MEAN, HE'S
LOOKING OUT FOR TAXPAYERS.
>> I THINK IT'S FAIRLY
COMPASSIONATE TO GO TO THEM AND
SAY, LOOK, WE'RE NOT GOING TO
ASK YOU FOR YOUR HARD-EARNED
MONEY, ANYMORE.
SINGLE MOM OF TWO IN DETROIT,
KAY?
>> COLBERT: GOOD POINT, MICK.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO
HAVE TO TELL A SINGLE MOM OF TWO
IN DETROIT, "I'M SORRY, MA'AM,
BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO
FEED YOUR CHILDREN."
( LAUGHTER )
THE ONLY THING THAT WORRIES ME
IS THIS ISN'T ACTUALLY A BUDGET.
THIS IS JUST THE PRESIDENT'S
WISH LIST.
AND MICK MULVANEY IS JUST
TRUMP'S MAGICAL MONKEY'S PAW.
( LAUGHTER )
CONGRESS ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO
CAN MAKE A BUDGET.
SO MY WORRY IS THAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE MIGHT GO TO HOUSE.GOV AND
FIND OUT HOW TO CALL THEIR
CONGRESSMAN AND TELL THEM TO
PROTECT KIDS AND OLD PEOPLE, AND
THAT COULD DERAIL ALL OF DONALD
--
( APPLAUSE )
THEY DO THAT.
IF THEY CALLED CONGRESS AND DID
THAT, THAT COULD DERAIL ALL
DONALD TRUMP'S COMPASSION.
AND THAT MIGHT UPSET THAT LONELY
OLD MAN SO MUCH THAT HE JUST
BECOMES A SHUT-IN.
STAYS IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND
SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO BRING HIM
A MEAL.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT'S "THE WERD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT OTHER GUY'S GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
BRYAN CRANSTON IS HERE.
AND AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK,
THERE'S GOING TO BE PUPPIES.
SO STICK AROUND.