- My mom told me that the secret
to pleasing a man is through his stomach,
but I have found a convenient detour through the penis.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat instrumental music)
My eyesight's getting worse,
and I was thinking about getting Lasik.
I did some research, but I don't know,
it's not covered by insurance and it's really expensive,
but then I noticed that insurance companies are really keen
on anything helping out the penis,
you know, like Viagra, the penis pump, you know.
So I thought I'd write them a letter
and say that I've been having trouble seeing penises,
(audience laughing)
and I need the surgery so I can,
you know, assist in the penis
and just help make the penis healthier,
and I think that might kick in.
I know one penis that would be happy,
and that's my husband.
I mean, we're still hot and heavy, don't get me wrong,
but I know he masturbates.
But I asked him, I said,
"Well, what do you think about when you masturbate?"
And he looked me right in the eye, and he said,
"I think about our wedding."
(audience laughing)
I think about the colors that we chose.
And then my heart gets racing
and I think about the font that we picked out
for the invitations."
(audience laughing)
And apparently it's the cake toppers
that really just send him over the edge.
Here are some things about me,
for better or worse.
Okay, so I lost some money
in an investment the other year
because I wanted to open a pet salon that was gothic themed,
and I was gonna call it Catacombs.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
I dance like no one's watching,
but I make love like everyone is everyone is.
(audience laughing)
Everyone.
(audience cheering) Good.
Oh, okay.
So a couple years ago I went on a date with a man
and he was like, "Hey, I bought you pizza.
Why don't we go back to my place
and do a little wah, wah, wah?"
And I was like, "What?"
And he's like, "We'll do a little wah, wah, wah."
And I was like, "I think your pantomime's off."
(audience laughing and clapping)
And he was like, "Is it?
Or do I just have a hook dick?
Wah, wah, wah, boom, boom."
(audience laughing and cheering)
And he did.
And went on a few more dates after that.
I went to the gynecologist and it's not true.
I've never been.
I'm not gonna.
So there we go.
I guess.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Thank you.
(speaks in a made up language)
That's German for "I'm not wearing any underwear."
(audience laughing)
(speaks in a made up language)
It's Mandarin for "Just kidding."
I'm not. Sorry. (audience laughing)
(woman speaks in a made up language)
That's French of-course.
They're actually, I'm not kidding.
(audience laughing)
I'm not wearing any underwear at all
or any inhibitions for that matter.
As you can see, I speak many languages
including the language of sex.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Yeah.
I just wanted to put that out there.
This morning I woke up from this real sexy sex, sex dream.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Yeah, sex dream. (audience laughing)
Where I was making love to George Washington
(audience laughing)
or rather he was making love to me
and I was just keeping real still
(audience laughing)
like it's done and things are going better
than I could have ever dreamed of.
Which is ironic
when halfway through
out of nowhere my vagina just turns into this avocado pit.
And George Washington was like, "What the (beep) is that?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Oh, I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Oh God."
I wanted to die.
Thank god I woke up
cause I don't know how I would've gotten out of that mess.
I have been trying to learn how to cook
and I've been very adventurous in the kitchen.
In fact, the other night there was this huge explosion
cause I tried to combine pasta with antipasta.
(audience laughing)
No bueno.
Mm.
If I were to be a food critic
I already know what my first negative review would be.
It would say, "The Gargonzola burger at Cafe Lu,
Kristen Schaal says, "I couldn't poop it out fast enough."
(audience laughing and cheering)
(indistinct), that does deserve an applause.
You're right, you're right.
The story of how I was born is pretty incredible.
My mom and my dad met when my dad was fighting
in the Persian Gulf War, the great one.
And he was fighting harder
than he is ever fought in his entire life
but he still got captured by the Persians.
(audience laughing) So yeah, harrowing.
So what they did to my dad is they drug him
to this abandoned warehouse where they demanded
that he reveal all of the American secrets.
There's only one, but it's a good one.
And I'm not gonna say it out loud
cause this show is being hosted by a foreigner.
(audience laughing and cheering)
But we know, we know what it is.
So he refused to reveal the secret
and they ordered him to strip down to his underwear.
And my dad wore these tidy whitey boxer briefs
with these French cuts up the side here.
Do they still make those?
And he has this incredible tattoo
of a bald eagle just spread across his chest.
And it's giving birth to a coyote
(audience laughing) right here.
And the coyote is just fresh to the world
and dripping with placenta and it's starving.
So it is going to town
on the stomach of a deer, just eating it.
And the entrails of the deer just peeking
out ever so subtly from the French cuts up the side.
So that's my dad.
(audience laughing)
And even in his statuesque yet vulnerable state
he still refused to reveal the secret, thank God.
So what they did was they strapped him
into a chair so that he couldn't move a muscle.
And they installed a faucet
over his head that would drip just one drop
of water methodically on his forehead
so that he would lose his mind.
It's called Chinese water torture
for all of you that are not Chinese.
(audience laughing)
The torture that they're coming
up with in China is so creative.
They have this other method where they'll take a a bamboo
and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow.
(audience laughing)
So patient.
Man, watch out for China.
I say they have all the ambition as we do
but none of the heart.
(audience laughing)
So there is my dad.
Now, just in case you're out there sitting there thinking,
"I don't think this story is true.
I think she's making this up."
Well, I tell you what, I brought my dad here tonight
to do a dramatic reenactment to prove
to you that it happened.
So this is my dad, Carl Schaal,
if you could come out, my dad.
(audience cheering)
Okay, slow down, dad, slow down.
Okay, so dad, so okay, so you were sitting,
sitting like you were, remember how you were tied up.
No, dad, I thought that we agreed that you'd come
out without your shirt so that they could see the tattoo.
Okay, I guess the world's not ready.
Okay. So, so there you are, you were tied down, right?
And there was a a drip just coming down driving you nuts,
right, dad?
And you wouldn't reveal the secret.
And what's the secret, dad?
He's good.
So patriotic.
Okay, so there's my dad and he's just losing his mind.
My God, that must have been awful for you.
Okay.
And then on the fourth night,
my mom who was the enemy snuck into the warehouse and, yes,
I did bring my mom, Pam Schaal if she could come out.
She is.
Okay. (audience cheering)
My mom. All right.
So now mom, so you were the enemy, right?
And you snuck in and you were just overcome
by dad's courage and his ink, right?
Okay, so now what you did next was,
didn't you, you sat on dad's lap, right?
Do you wanna reenact that for everybody?
What happened there?
Okay.
(audience laughing) There you go.
Okay, well I thought you straddled him,
but I wasn't there, so it's fine.
Okay, so this is the best part.
So mom, you, okay, this is,
so your long, blonde hair back then
was just whipping in dad's face, right?
Just so young.
And this is tough cause he, you know, he was the prisoner
but also possibly the future father
of an amazing child, right?
So what did you do next, mom? This is my favorite part.
What happened?
You did 'em, didn't you, mom?
Did 'em, and that's how I was born.
(upbeat electronic music)