>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" VAN RIGHT OVER THERE.
HELLO, MY FRIENDS. NICE TO SEE YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU GUYS. I MISS BEING OUT HERE WITH
Y'ALL. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, PEOPLE
OUT THERE, HERE ALREADY KNOW LIZ CHENEY IS GOING TO BE OVER HERE
TO TALK ABOUT HER NEW BOOK. "GUTS."
BEFORE I GET INTO THAT, IT IS SO LOVELY TO SEE ALL OF YOU, THE
LAST TIME I WAS SITTING AT THIS DESK, WHICH WAS THE TUESDAY
BEFORE THANKSGIVING, I WAS IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE.
I WAS UNAWARE OF THE AMOUNT OF TROUBLE I WAS IN.
DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING GOING ON WITH ME THAT NIGHT?
>> Louis: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WHEN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
ALMOST NINE YEARS YOU HAD TO REHEARSE THE MONOLOGUE SITTING
AT THE DESK WITH A BARF BUCKET NEXT YEAR.
>> Stephen: YES. I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT DETAIL.
YES, THAT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN. HERE'S KIND OF BRIEFLY WHAT
HAPPEN. AS I MENTIONED BEFORE,
THE LAST TIME I WAS DOING "THE LATE SHOW," ALMOST
THREE WEEKS AGO, I HAD TO GET EMERGENCY SURGERY
FOR A RUPTURED APPENDIX. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
WE'D HAD A GREAT SHOW THE NIGHT BEFORE WITH
DAVID LETTERMAN. WONDERFUL TIME WITH DAVE.
WHAT A JOY TO HAVE A METER. I WAS FEELING HIGH.
BUT THEN I GOT HOME AND I WAS NOT FEELING GREAT.
THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT SOMETHING FROM DAVE'S BEARD.
I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING JUST IN ABDOMINAL AGONY.
I FIGURED THE PAIN WOULD GO AWAY, IT WOULD PASS.
SO I DECIDED TO DO THE SHOW THAT NIGHT.
"HOW BAD COULD IT BE?" TURNS OUT: EXTREMELY.
EXTREMELY BAD. NOW, FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW,
I HAVE THIS FRIEND OF MINE SENT THIS TO ME.
A HEALTHY APPENDIX LOOKS LIKE THIS.
THAT THING RIGHT THERE IS THE APPENDIX.
BUT BY TAPING TIME THAT DAY, MY APPENDIX LOOKED
LIKE THIS. NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS
MY APPENDIX AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT HAD BURST, EVEN
THOUGH THE PAIN JUST GOT OFF THE CHARTS BY THE TIME I MADE IT
TO STAGE THAT NIGHT. I DID THE SHOW.
I DID TWO SHOWS, ACTUALLY. IT WAS A TWO-SHOW NIGHT.
SO PEOPLE HAVE AN EXTRA DAY OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
BECAUSE WE'D ALREADY BEEN OUT FOR FIVE MONTHS DURING
THE STRIKE, I'D ALREADY MISSED A WEEK FOR COVID, AND MOST
IMPORTANTLY, BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT, I SAID
LET'S DO THE SHOW. BUT IT ALSO PROVES THAT I'M
KIND OF BRAVE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THE PAIN WAS MANAGEABLE. IT ONLY HURT WHEN I MOVED.
AND WHEN I DIDN'T. AND I HELD IT TOGETHER FOR
TWO MONOLOGUES, TWO SECOND ACTS, AND A LONG INTERVIEW
WITH BRADLEY COOPER, BECAUSE THERE IS NO PAIN
WHEN YOU'RE LOST IN THOSE BABY BLUES.
BUT THE MOMENT I WAS NOT BUT THE MOMENT I WAS NOT
PREPARED FOR -- AND I WANT TO START BY SAYING I LOVE
THIS MAN -- WAS THE COOKING
JOSE HAD NO IDEA I WASN'T FEELING WELL.
THERE'S NO WAY HE COULD HAVE KNOWN THAT AT THAT POINT,
MY INSIDES HAD BECOME WHAT THE SPANISH CALL "PAELLA."
SO WE FINISHED THE SHOW. I'VE GOT A RAGING FEVER.
I'M SHAKING LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE WITH THE DTs.
I GET IN THE CAR, ANDMY DRIVER, PABLO, WHOM I'VE
WORKED WITH FOR 15 YEARS, SAID, "MR. COLBERT, I THINK I SHOULD
TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL." AND I SAID, "NO, I JUST NEED
TO GO TO SLEEP. [SLURRING] I JUST NEED TO GO
HOME." THEN EVIE CALLED ME,
AND SHE SAID, "STEPHEN, I REALLY THINK PABLO SHOULD TAKE YOU
TO THE HOSPITAL AND I'LL MEET YOU THERE" AND I SAID, "NO, NO.
I JUST NEED TO SLEEP IT OFF. I'M COMING HOME."
AND THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER, EVIE CALLED ME, AND SHE SAID,
"I TALKED TO PABLO, AND HE'S GOING TO TAKE YOU
TO THE HOSPITAL." AND I SAID,
"THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA." >> EVIE!
EVIE! EVIE!
EVIE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: WE GET TO THE HOSPITAL.
THEY SCAN ME AND TURNS OUT MY APPENDIX HAD ALREADY BURST.
THEY SAID WHEN THEY OPENED IT UP, IT WAS LIKE
THEY SHOT JOHN WICK 5 DOWN THERE.
THEY GOTTA TAKE OUT THE APPENDIX,
AND THEN THEY GOTTA CLEAN EVERYTHING OUT.
I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO TOO MUCH DETAIL HERE, BUT BASICALLY
THEY GO IN THERE WITH A POWER WASHER AND A SHOP VAC.
MY APPENDIX BURST. THIS THING BURST.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHY APPENDIXES GO BAD.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHY THEY GO GOOD.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT DOES. ALL THEY KNOW IS, AT SOME POINT
IT JUST TURNS AROUND TO THE PANCREAS AND GOES, "I BET
I COULD KILL THIS GUY." BET YOU FIVE BUCKS
I COULD KILL THIS GUY. THEY YANKED IT OUT.
I'VE BEEN HOME RECOVERING EVER SINCE.
OH, QUICK NOTE. I AM NOT HERE TO CONDONE THE USE
OF MORPHINE. I'M JUST ASKING IF ANYONE
BROUGHT SOME TONIGHT. THEY GAVE ME MORPHINE.
THEN THEY GAVE ME DILAUDID. I SAID WAIT, THAT'S WHAT
SAMUEL COLERIDGE WAS ON. IN THE ROOM, I'M GOING,
"IN XANADU DID KUBLA KHAN A STATELY PLEASURE-DOME
DECREE: WHERE ALPH, THE SACRED RIVER,
RAN THROUGH CAVERNS MEASURELESS TO MAN
DOWN TO A SUNLESS SEA." AND EVIE'S LIKE,
"HE'S NOT HALLUCINATING. HE'S JUST LIKE THAT."
TRUE STORY. IT'S BEEN QUITE A JOURNEY.
I WANT TO THANK THE DOCTORS AND NURSES AT ST. BARNABAS
HOSPITAL WHO TOOK SUCH GREAT CARE OF ME.
DR. TRAUPMAN, DR. SHAKER, DR. SOROCO.
AND OF COURSE, I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO HAS REACHED OUT
WITH WELL WISHES. WORLD LEADERS, PRESIDENTS,
POTENTATES, STARS OF STAGE AND SCREEN, MUSICIANS,
AUTHORS, SCIENTISTS, THERE ARE TOO MANY TO NAME,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.
AND TO EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T REACH OUT, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
AND I'LL NEVER FORGET IT. I WANT TO THANK THE PEOPLE
ON THIS SHOW, I WANT TO THANK THE PEOPLE
ON THIS SHOW, WHO TRULY WENT BEYOND THE CALL
OF DUTY TO GET ME THROUGH THAT TAPING AND PROPPED ME UP.
MY STAGE MANAGER LITERALLY STOOD BETWEEN ME AND THE
AUDIENCE SO I COULD WEEP INTO MY SCRIPT.
I WANT TO THANK EVIE AND THE KIDS, WHO HAVE BEEN
AMAZING DURING MY RECOVERY AND FILLED THE HOLE WHERE MY
APPENDIX USED TO BE WITH LOVE. AND YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED THAT
I'D LIKE TO THANK MY APPENDIX. BECAUSE YOU GIVING ME
BLOOD POISONING HELPED ME LOSE 14 POUNDS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
APPENDICITIS IS THE NEW OZEMPIC. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH LIZ CHENEY.