Translator: Hiroko Kawano Reviewer: Hélène Vernet
How can we reconnect with ourselves?
For me, this is a very important question since a long time.
And 22 years ago,
I found a tool that helps me to reconnect with myself and the world.
This tool is called "Naikan."
In my early 20s,
I had very much difficulties to connect with my inner world.
I had problems to communicate.
Maybe it would not have been possible that I stand in front of you.
Especially, I had difficulties to find my professional path.
At that time, I tried to study languages at university
because, when I was 12 years old,
my "dream" or my vision has been to become a translator.
When I started my studies at university,
I realized that the reality of this profession
is very far away from my dream when I was young.
And it didn't seem to fit,
or maybe I did not fit into this profession,
I couldn't find out.
So, it was clear for me
that I had to find possibilities, to find my own way.
I went to see a psychotherapist, which was helpful,
and I attended various workshops
to find some tools, some methods,
to just find out what my way would be
with myself, with my profession, with the world outside.
And I came across Naikan,
which was very fascinating,
not because it was a Japanese method:
it sounded kind of exotic,
but that was not what made it attractive.
"Naikan" means introspection.
The word "nai" is "inside,"
and the word "kan" is "looking."
So, "looking inside."
What made it fascinating for me is that it worked with questions,
and the answers are not given
by any teacher, or any master, or any therapist.
The answers were given by myself.
I had to find my own answers,
and that was very, very fascinating for me.
So in 1993 -
I was 24 years old -
I attended my first intensive week of Naikan.
So, in Naikan, three questions are the key.
You look at a specific person, and you ask yourself,
"What have I received from this person?"
"What has this person done for me?"
The second question is:
"What have I given to this person?"
"What have I done for this person?"
The third question is:
"What kind of trouble and difficulties did I caused to this person?"
So, when I do Naikan about you, my audience,
first question, "What have I received from you?"
You're here.
It is as simple as that.
You're listening to my words; you try to follow my thoughts;
you're here.
The second question,
"What have I given to you? What do I try to give to you?"
It's just that I try to explain the Naikan method,
so maybe, you can follow and can easily understand.
And the third question of Nikan,
"What trouble or difficulty do I cause you?"
I try to explain Naikan which is maybe all new to you.
You've never heard of it, and it's kind of difficult to follow.
Maybe you don't want to hear about it.
Maybe you do not connect with my style, with my way of presenting this.
Naikan is "pause for a moment."
It's simple to do.
You can choose to work with the three questions
at any moment.
It's just to stop doing the things that you're doing now
and reflect, think about.
For example,
a person you appreciate,
a person you like or maybe you love ...
I invite you to just choose a person,
to pick a person in your mind that you appreciate,
and ask the three questions:
"What have you received from this person you appreciate?"
Maybe it comes to your mind
that this person has given you a phone call,
just asking, "How are you doing?"
Or maybe this person has invited you to have lunch or dinner together.
Or maybe this person has given you a birthday present.
When you go to the second question of Naikan,
"What have you given to this person that you appreciate?"
Maybe when this person has called you, you just answered.
"How are you doing?" You answered, "Well, okay!"
Or maybe your answer was, "Oh, it's not fine. I've problems today."
Or maybe when this friend of yours invited you
to have lunch together or dinner, you said,
"Oh, well, great idea! Let's meet."
It's also a thing that you have done: you have accepted the invitation.
And the third question of Naikan,
"Can you think of anything that you have done
that caused trouble or difficulty to this other person?"
Maybe when you met for lunch or dinner,
you were late.
No matter the reason, this person had to wait for you.
Maybe she worried, maybe she didn't, but she had to wait: that's a fact.
And that's a difficulty you caused.
Or maybe, to the question "How are you?"
you answered, "Wah! I'm not so fine today,"
and because it's a friend of yours, she would like
that you be in a good mood, happy and everything,
So, she worried.
Maybe, it was a difficulty for this person.
She tried to change her mood.
Naikan does not ask the question,
"What difficulties and trouble has caused this other person to me?"
because we know this too well.
When you ask, "What kind of trouble and difficulty has caused any person to me?",
it is one, two, three, ten, twenty, thirty things coming to your mind,
immediately.
One of the reasons why that is so,
is that it is important for us
to realize things happening
that hurt us or cause us pain or are wrong for us.
That's important.
But what we are doing then is we attach, yeah?
So, there's only this problem, this one problem,
or these twenty problems between you and me.
And what happens then is that we try to avoid contact.
And what happens is that it's kind of an inner wall rising up.
Naikan invites you just to step aside,
put aside these problems -
maybe caused by the other or caused by yourself, no matter -
and ask the three questions,
even if it is a person that you have trouble with.
I invite you to do it, to try.
This person that caused you trouble,
is there anything you can think of that she or he has done for you?
Maybe you feel, "Oh, that's not easy; I don't want to think about it
because we have such a big problem together."
But, try!
Trying to answer the three questions, as I showed,
is just diminishing the wall,
not avoiding contact anymore
at least in your mind, in your thinking.
It's to reconnect.
Maybe when you think about the first question,
"What has this person done for me? What have I received?"
Well, she offered me a cup of coffee.
Maybe you ask yourself,
"What? This has nothing to do with the problem I have!"
Exactly.
That's what Naikan is able to do:
to show you so many more aspects
of our relationship towards this other person.
It's not only the problem.
It's there, okay, but there are so many other things.
Concerning all the three questions,
"what have I received?" "what have I given?"
and "what trouble and difficulty did I cause?"
this is the most difficult questions for most of us.
We like to think that it's always the others.
It's not me never, ever, yeah?
Naikan invites you to really "study" maybe
these aspects of your own way of being
that cause trouble and difficulty.
Maybe you don't want to change these things.
It's okay.
Maybe you are not able to change these things.
It's okay.
But you have to realize
that there are some things that you're doing,
some of your actions,
that are hurting other people or causing difficulty to other people,
and this helps you to deal with that.
So, Naikan is a way to reconnect.
In the first place, you reconnect with yourself
because, as I said, you pause for a moment.
You think or you're looking at things under a different point of view.
There are more perspectives coming,
and it's yourself who is thinking.
You are just examining your way of acting,
your way of feeling, your way of being.
And at the same time,
it's to reconnect with the world outside because it's not only:
"What is in the world? What is my feeling, my thinking?"
it is also "What is the reaction of this other person?"
"What has she or he done for me?"
and "What have I received from this outer world?"
So, there is also, both in your mind,
your own perspective - you are in a reaction -
and, as far as you are able to,
being aware of the things or the reactions
that are coming from outside.
Naikan is, in the first place,
a method to look at a specific person,
asking the three questions.
But you can also do Naikan about a lot of other things,
for example, your body, your mind, your talents,
your job, your house, your computer, and so on.
Now I have introduced you to the three questions of Naikan.
Maybe you like them.
The best moment to start to work with the questions
is anytime you decide to do so.
And if you like these three questions of Naikan,
I hope it will be as helpful for you as it is for me.
Thank you.
(Applause)