(pouring sound)
(dramatic sting)
- Hey you, here's briefly some news.
The head of Michigan's health department
has been charged with involuntary manslaughter
in the Flint water crisis.
In response the citizens of Flint have stated,
"Help, we are still so very thirsty
"and poisoned."
(dramatic sting)
Scientists have discovered an extreme treatment
for multiple sclerosis that cured 17
out of 24 patients.
One died, you know, but, you know, it's first try.
The treatment involves extracting bone marrow,
killing off immune cells in it, and
reinjecting the bone marrow,
essentially resetting everything.
Then a light will go on, then a light below it
will blink and turn solid
and another one will blink and turn solid
and then another and then you're good to go.
Meanwhile in some very sad news
Adam West has died.
(Batman transition theme)
Here's some news.
Fox News has dropped their slogan "Fair and balanced",
not for the reason you think, and have changed
it to "Most watched" which isn't true
and "Most trusted" which is (pause)
let's say subjective.
And with "Fair and balanced" no longer in use,
it's ours now baby!
(dramatic news music)
Though, to be fair, we'll change it
to "Balanced and fair."
And to be balanced, CNN was recently caught staging a scene
in which Muslims put flowers down
for victims of the recent London attacks.
You know, one of the many of those.
CNN grabbed people from a nearby demonstration
to stage the mock demonstration, proving that
CNN's not fake, it's just very, very dumb.
(dramatic sting)
Speaking of dumb news, a fidget spinner
was blamed for a 30-acre brush fire.
And to any olds out there, fidget spinners
are (childishly) these!
Whoo!
Anyway, here's the article
and it's a really good one.
It's a bit spooky, so tuck the young ones in.
I'm just going to read it verbatim.
Let's bring the lights down please
for the tale of the fidget spinner
that was blamed for a 30-acre brush fire.
(dramatically) To those who think the only damage
fidget spinners can do is distract a class
of middle schoolers, think again.
I'm pretty spooked already, you guys.
On May 26, the hottest toy of 2017
was involved when two minors accidentally sparked
a 30-acre brush fire.
Police in Sierra Vista, Arizona say
the minors were playing with matches and
fidget spinners in the grassy field.
What started as a small contained fire...
So they were playing with matches
and they had fidget spinners at least near them.
The URL remains the same, but the article's
headline was eventually changed to read
"Minors spark massive 30-acre brush fire
"with fidget spinner and a match."
Which is almost right.
No.
(spans fingers)
There you go.
At the bottom of the article is a disclaimer
that reads, "Correction, this story originally stated
"that the fidget spinner was the cause of the fire.
"Police have since clarified that a match was involved."
The police statement was that kids were
playing with matches and fidget spinners.
That's not hard to parse.
You wouldn't say a man was shot by another man
with a CVS care card in his wallet
and bullets from a gun.
And if you take out the police clarification,
it's just an article about how fidget spinners exist.
This is, dare I say, fake news.
And it's not helping people's perception
of the media.
You gotta get it together ABC-15 Arizona,
affiliate of E.W. Scripps, owner of Cra...ooh.
Okay.
I will gather my things.
Can I at least stay until the end of this?
Okay.
Aww, not President stuff!
(dramatic sting)
The President of the United States celebrated
his 71st birthday on Wednesday, making him
the oldest child to ever be President.
His big birthday week kicked off with his first
full cabinet meeting, in which he went around
the table to have everyone say something
nice about him.
Text "FAIR" to the number below
if you think that's extremely silly and also
reveals a deep insecurity and emptiness
undesirable in a leader and text "BALANCED"
if you think that's actually awesome
and shows how much his underlings respect
and cherish his amazing leadership,
his leadership which blesses them,
for they are blessed to serve.
- On behalf of the entire senior staff
around you Mr. President, we thank you for
the opportunity, the blessing that you've given us
to serve your agenda.
- And also with you.
The next day of Mr. President's Big Boy birthday week
was fun with trucks?!
Aww, darn it.
Mr. Trump did take time to criticize the GOP
health care bill, describing it as "mean",
despite having literally celebrated it in a
garden of roses mere weeks earlier.
Though to be fair, he's right.
The bill is mean and according to the CBO score
would cost tens of millions of people their health care
while giving tax cuts to the wealthy.
But to be balanced, (bleep) this guy.
He didn't even know what they put in the bill.
He's not paying attention.
Paul Ryan already said to excuse Trump's behavior,
he's new to lawmaking and doesn't know what the
(bleep) he's doing.
And maybe the worst part is,
he allegedly used to believe in universal health care.
He said so on the Howard Stern Show and he wrote it
in his book, The America We Deserve.
Quote, "We must have universal health care.
"I'm a conservative on most issues, but a liberal
"on this one. We should not hear so many
"stories of families ruined by health care expenses."
So when he complains that the bill is mean
and maybe we should throw a little more
money at it, those are the earnest words
of a great, big birthday boy who's like,
(childish voice) aww, that's mean.
Unfortunately, he's also driven by pettiness
and ignorance.
The GOP made a terrible, cruel bill
because they're morally bankrupt ghouls
and instead of fighting to keep people
from losing their health care, the Democrats
are going to let the GOP fail by winning
so maybe they'll pick up some seats next year
and instead use political points to get the GOP
to agree on stricter boogeyman powder,
sorry, I mean Russian sanctions.
But then Trump started to hear stories
of people losing their health care.
On cable news, which is how the President
gets his information, and he was like, hey,
that's mean, because as he once wrote,
"We should not hear so many stories
"of families ruined by health care expenses."
And maybe when he hears more of those stories,
about 23 million more, he'll remember that he's
conservative on most issues but liberal on this
and he'll just do his best to keep everyone
(bleeps) healthy and alive
and if you do it, I'll salute you, Mr. President.
(grimly) Once.
It is after all your birthday week.
So let's get to the big day, June 14.
What do you get for the man who has everything?
Aww, that's mean, what else?
That's cool, that's a nice gift
from a foreign government to the President
which is against the law under the
Constitution's emoluments clause.
This is a two-part gift, isn't it?
(groans) Guy can't catch a break!
Of course, guy also can't stop violating
the Constitution's emoluments clause, so...
But there's gotta be something good
that happened on his birthday?
I'll take it!
14 more billionaires have signed on to
the Giving Pledge, which is apparently a
thing that exists, created by Bill and Melinda
Gates and Warren Buffet in 2010
to help address society's most pressing problems
by getting billionaires to pledge the majority
of their wealth to philanthropic causes
over their lifetime or upon their death.
The pledge promises to shift the social norms
of philanthropy toward giving more, giving sooner,
and giving smarter
over their lifetime or upon their death.
And like, I don't want to sit here
and praise billionaires because no one person
should have a billion dollars,
but hey this is still billions and billions
of dollars eventually going towards
poverty alleviation, education, health care research,
climate change, and the environment
and that's still good.
So thanks billionaires!
This has been thanks billionaires
over your lifetime or upon your death.
(dramatic sting)
Here's some news.
During a congressional baseball practice
a maniac shot at two Republican Congressmen.
Both survived, though as of this taping
one remains in critical condition.
This is a pretty (bleeps) thing that happened
and sure we can cherry pick examples
of violent rhetoric from both sides
from people who are probably speaking figuratively
and also don't represent either side
and we can condemn people who didn't take the
time from their day to condemn this particular
act of violence and we can blame
Bernie Sanders' call for peaceful revolution
and we can forget that time our President
said he wanted to knock the crap
out of a protestor and sure we can talk about
how to be fair Sean Hannity says when
Democrats continue to dehumanize Republicans
the climate around the country becomes more than toxic
and, to be balanced, less than a week earlier
he had on the President's son to say
that Democrats aren't people
and, sure, we can talk gun safety
and how most of these acts of violence
come from people with a history of
domestic abuse against women
and we can talk about how this is a
mental health issue and, sure, we can talk about
how the GOP is literally in the process
of dismantling accessible and affordable health care
and I think (arrogantly) we just did.
(dramatic sting)
Here's some news.
Shooting people is bad
and, breaking news, don't shoot people.
(electric wire sounds)
- Hey everybody, thanks for watching the news.
If you want to subscribe to our channel
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Ah, fire!