Look, girls.
We got something going on
all the time with ourselves,
don't we?
All the time.
And my—
Listen.
I'm going through menopause.
Y'all, I'm too young for that
Okay?
I started going through
pre-menopause
about six months after
I got married,
and I had to look at my
husband and say, Baby,
I owe you an apology.
I feel like I've sold you
a false bill of goods.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know that I was going
to wake up one day
and be hot, and gain weight,
and hate everybody.
I didn't know nothing.
I didn't know.
[Audience Laughing]
Started having symptoms—
low thyroid,
gaining weight.
Let me tell y'all.
I didn't even know I was
gaining weight, but let me
tell you how I found out.
I went to a show.
I had a show one night,
and a little lady came up to me
in the meet and greet.
And she said,
“Well, you look a little bit
“fluffier than when I
“saw you in 2018.”
[Audience Laughing]
[Audience Groaning]
And I said,
What's your name, darlin’?
[Audience Laughing]
And she said, “Linda.”
And I said, oh, yeah.
Of course, it is.
[Audience Laughing]
I said, look.
Listen, Linda.
Listen to me.
Listen to me, Linda.
[Audience Laughing]
I said, I am real sorry
that I'm not living up to your
standards this year, Linda.
But listen, I’m gon’ tell
y'all something else.
I'm going to close my eyes
while I tell y’all this
because I always end up
looking at somebody that
I don't mean to.
[Audience Laughing]
I’m gon’ close my eyes
[Audience Laughing]
when I tell y'all
that Linda
was fat.
[Audience Laughing]
Now, I don't care if you're fat.
Inherit or not,
I mean that.
I don't care if you weigh
100 pounds, or you're
two tons of fun.
It doesn't matter to me.
Oh, look, it don't.
Listen, I love to watch
My 600 Pound Life.
Matter of fact,
I cheer for those people
louder than anybody.
[Audience Laughing]
I don't care if you're fat.
But if you are going to
come up to me
and tell me I'm getting fat,
you better be bone thin.
You understand?
I better be able to see all
your bones
popping out of your neck.
You better look like Kelly Ripa
before you come tell me
that I'm getting fluffy.
Okay?
[Audience Laughing]
Okay.
So that's how I found out
I was gaining weight—
getting fat.
And I'll tell you this,
I have to eat about
200 calories a day to maintain
my 10-pound weight gain.
I cannot lose weight.
[Audience Laughing]
I have very low testosterone.
I don't know if you girls
know this, but you're
supposed to have a little bit.
You're not supposed to have a
beard or nothing like that,
but you're supposed to have
a little testosterone.
I didn't have any.
My body is hot.
My body sweats.
My body’s sore.
Everything sweats some.
I'll tell y’all this,
I'll probably wake up about
three mornings out of
every week,
I don't know if I've
peed the bed
or my milk came in.
That's the truth.
I don't know.
I know.
It's disgusting.
But it’s the truth.
It's nasty, and my husband—
he's like, “What is—”
I'm like, I don't know.
Smell it.
I don't know.
[Audience Laughing]
One way to find out.
[Audience Laughing]
Something all the time.
And my latest issue
that I've been struggling with
is hair loss.
At the beginning of last year,
I started losing my hair,
and I didn't even know
I was losing my hair.
I just saw hair everywhere.
It was on the back of the
couch.
It was on the countertops,
on the floor.
For two weeks,
I blamed the dog.
I said, this dog is shedding
like grass.
And finally, my husband said,
“Hey,
“we don't have a dog.”
[Audience Laughing]
I said, oh.
That's a problem then.
So I went and looked
at my hairbrush, y’all.
Sure enough--
listen.
That thing had more hair in it
than a salad bar at
Golden Corral.
It was disgusting.
It was nasty.
If you know, you know.
So then I start seeing it on top
of my head.
I'm just losing it
left and right.
I'm getting in the shower,
every day, it's just coming out
in handfuls.
I'm just sitting in the shower
crying all the time.
I didn't know what to do.
So about this time last year,
me and a few of my girlfriends
went to the beach.
They wanted to get me
out of town and
show me a good time.
So one of the girlfriends that I
went to the beach with
was actually
my counselor for three years.
That's how I met her.
And one day
she said to me,
“Look,
“you ain't really getting
“any better.
“Do you just
“want to be friends?”
[Audience Laughing]
So we're just friends now.
We go on trips together.
So we went to the beach
for seven days.
And on the fifth day
she looked at me and she said,
“My gosh.
“You are wearing me out.”
She said, “You have cried every
“day about your hair.”
And she said,
“I don't know why you don’t
“shave that mess off.”
And I was like, uh, cause
I'm trying to get more hair,
not less hair.
[Audience Laughing]
And she said,
“I'm just telling you.
“It would empower you
“if you would take matters
“into your own hands
“and shave your head.
“By the way, your hair looks
“terrible.”
I’m like, I know it does,
but I needed somebody
to tell me that.
So that night at the beach,
I let her shave my head,
and she was right.
I didn't cry.
We had a little ceremony.
We took all
three strands of that hair
[Audience Laughing]
down to the beach, and
somebody prayed, and
somebody chanted
and beat a drum,
and we threw it into the water,
and went and got tattoos.
It was a whole thing.
And then I went home
with my head shaved,
and I saw my son.
And I said, well, Noah,
what do you think about
mom's head?
And he said, “Mama, I think
“you look so cute.
“You look kinda like a little
“Peanut M&M.”
[Audience Laughing]
Thank you?
[Audience Laughing]
And then a couple of months
after that, I went to
Target,
and I was on my way out
and had a little scarf tied
around my neck that day.
And when I was walking out
of Target,
I pulled my sunglasses
down over my eyes,
and I had a little boy
come up to me
and ask me
if I was Gru
from Despicable Me.
[Audience Laughing]
And if you do not know who
that is, that is not
a compliment to me.
[Audience Laughing]
So I wasn't sure what
I was going to do.
I decided finally that I needed
to start wearing wigs,
so I started wearing wigs,
and I've got on a wig tonight.
I've still got my head shaved.
I have on a wig.
Y'all didn't even know it,
did you?
That's right.
And I finally realized what had
happened to me and why
I actually lost my hair.
I had a biopsy done
on my head,
and it came back that I have
an autoimmune issue that's
hormone-related
that’s causing me to have
alopecia.
And because I had low
testosterone,
I started getting these
testosterone pellets.
And after I started getting
those pellets, my testosterone
went through the roof.
I started losing my hair.
So I went back
to my little hormone doctor.
And I said, hey, gal.
Guess what?
You done gave me too much
testosterone,
and I've lost all my hair.
She said, “No. That can't be.”
I said, yes, ma'am.
It is.
I showed her my head,
And she said,
“Well, are you having
“any other symptoms?”
I said, yeah, girl.
I sure am.
I went to Home Depot
last week
by myself.
[Audience Laughing]
Almost got a miter saw.
I don't even know what that is.
[Audience Laughing]
She said, “You're an idiot.
“Are you having real
“symptoms?”
I said, yeah.
I got plenty more.
Okay?
I refuse to ask for directions.
[Scoffs]
[Audience Laughing]
Took me three hours
to drive two miles
the other day.
[Audience Laughing]
I've completely stopped
throwing my underwear
in the hamper.
[Scoffs]
[Audience Laughing]
I just drop it on the floor
and wait for somebody to
magically pick it up.
[Audience Laughing]
And I said, last night
I signed up
for Fantasy Football.
[Audience Laughing]
I know my testosterone
is too high.
But I'm gon' tell y'all
something tonight.
I do not regret
shaving my head.
Matter of fact, I love it.
Here's why.
Because I love being
the man of the house.
I do.
I love it so much,
and I'm going to tell you what I
would rather get a
colonoscopy on my birthday
than to have it any other way.
I ain’t doing it.
And that's it for
me tonight, guys.
Thank y'all so much
for having me.
[Audience Cheering]