I have something I wanna talk about.
I'm trying to reveal my true personality
on this podcast.
And I think it's come out over the time.
I occasionally make jokes, and people probably think,
well, that's not real.
Conan's exaggerating that for comedic effect
or he's being self-deprecating.
But I think over the years,
whether on TV or here on the podcast,
I've talked about how I have no body awareness.
You know, I'm not in touch with my body,
very new England, Catholic, Irish.
You've noticed that over the years, right?
What do you mean you're not in touch-
Like you don't know how big you-
Like how big you are?
What?
Or you're just not in touch with it,
like you don't touch yourself?
Okay. This got derailed instantly.
I'm sad
because I'm just tryna figure out what you meant
that you're not in touch with your body.
Yeah, I'm not clear either.
Okay.
I make jokes over the years
about how I don't, you know,
I'm not someone that's nude a lot.
Oh, I get it. Okay.
I don't have a lot of body consciousness.
[Sona] Right.
Was that not clear?
No, I get it.
You've made it clear.
But I do. I touch myself constantly.
Okay. Oh, God.
But I'm blindfolded.
So I'm constantly using my hands
to try and find out what's going on down there
but I do it with my eyes closed and blindfolded.
But anyway, my point is
that I say that
and I think people probably take it
with a grain of salt, meaning,
"Oh, he's playing up that role."
Sure.
I had an experience recently
that drove home for me
just how out of touch I am
with my own body.
Which is
I've been running a lot in the last year.
I started doing it during COVID.
Running a lot,
running a lot,
running a lot.
And then my left foot really started to hurt.
And I went in to get it checked out.
And they said,
"You have, it's very common,
planters facetious.
You know, your arch,
the tissue there is really activated.
And it's quite common with runners
and with a lot of people
who are on their feet a lot."
This doctor recommended, he said,
"Go see this woman."
I won't say her name.
I want to respect her privacy.
"She's great.
This woman is great
and she specializes in feet."
So I went to see this woman
and she's terrific.
She's originally from Scotland.
She's got this amazing Scottish accent
and she's really funny
and a great storyteller.
So she'll be there and she'll, you know,
work on my feet and try and fix my arch
on my left foot
while she's spinning these great tales.
And she's fantastic.
But the first day I went, she said,
"All right, let's take a look."
I don't do a Scottish accent
but she's like, you know,
"Ah, ah!
Ah, let's see the foot."
And so-
Groundskeeper Willie.
Yeah.
She sounds like Shrek or Groundskeeper Willie.
And so I take off my shoe and she's like,
"Oh, let's be seeing what you're having here."
Hundred percent from Ireland.
[Conan] Yeah.
Never set foot in Scotland this woman.
When I said she's Scotch,
she enjoys Scotch,
but she's Irish.
No.
So anyway,
I take off my shoe
and she's looking at my foot
and she goes,
"Oh man, look at your foot."
And I look down at my foot
and I realized
I have never spent any time in my life
looking at my own foot.
[Matt] Really?
Never, ever, ever.
And I'm not exaggerating.
So I took off both shoes
and I'm looking down at my feet
and she was commenting on,
she said your feet are,
they're not that malleable.
Like me,
they're kind of uptight
and they need to be stretched.
She said, your toes are all crammed together.
There's no space between them.
And I'm seeing it all for the first time.
And this is a part of my body
and I'm seeing it.
She might as well have been showing me
like a quartz crystal
that she found in a mountain.
Like, I was just like,
"Wow, look at that!"
It's my fucking feet
without any socks on them.
And I'm looking at them
as if it's a new mystery.
And then she goes,
"Oh."
and I'm not looking at my foot at this point.
She goes,
"Oh, and you've got a webbed toes."
Two of my toes are attached with webbing.
And I said, "Which foot?"
And she was like, 'cause I knew,
but I didn't know which foot.
What?
And she was like, "What?"
She was like, "Your left foot."
And I looked, and sure enough,
I think it's my third and fourth toes
have like a webbing that goes up high.
My toes are super long.
[Sona] What?
My brother has that.
Yeah.
And she goes, "Oh."
And she says like, you know,
They used to think
that was a sign of royalty or something.
Some bullshit someone made up
who was stuck with a webbed toe.
I should mention my brother is Aquaman.
Yeah.
Your brother, Aquaman?
So anyway, I didn't immediately know.
I was like looking up at the ceiling
when she said,
"You've got a webbed toe."
And I know that, kind of,
but I couldn't tell you which foot.
Oh.
Now you'd think, am I wrong?
That feels very screwed up to me.
What about when you're clipping your toenails?
Who clips their toenails?
That's the second thing she said.
She was like,
"Christ, I can't do it, Captain."
"It's like Freddy Krueger down here!"
"You look like Freddy Krueger down here!"
'Cause I've let them grow
like Howard Hughes.
They've been growing since 1963.
"Oh, they're like Wolverine down here!"
"Oh, you got Wolverine down here!"
Wow, your Scottish accent.
I do, but I don't really-
What I'm saying is
I'm just not in touch with my own body.
And I realized
that my least favorite question is,
if I go to a doctor,
I'm seeing anyone about a sore back or anything,
and they tell you,
"Okay, how does this feel?
Now how does this feel?"
I don't like it.
Because I say, "I don't know.
I don't know how things feel.
What do you mean
how do things feel?"
Why are you like this?
(Matt laughs)
Well, I think you could get an answer
from my parents.
But I think, you know-
I think you need to go home,
take off every stitch of clothing,
stand in front of a full length mirror
and get to know Conesie.
Can you do that?
Can you literally,
can you actually do that?
No, because I'm telling you,
and I'm not even kidding.
If I stood naked in front of a full length mirror
to get to know my own body,
I would be doing bits within a second.
I would be doing bits and takes.
I would not be able to be real.
I'm telling you,
and this is me being completely honest,
but who doesn't know, at my age,
exactly, which two toes are webbed?
Yeah. That is a little strange.
That's weird.
Like If you had a birthmark on your back,
would you be able to know at least that?
Well, would I be able to see it or?
I mean like, you know,
would you have known that?
Oh, a lover would have to tell me.
Oh.
You know you have a 666 on your scalp, right?
Oh, Jesus.
I'm quite aware of that.
Because he comes by every now and then and says,
"Remember the contract,
a talk show from total obscurity
was your request and I came through on it.
Then you come back and want a successful podcast!
And I agreed to that.
But you will pay in the next life."
Anyway.
That's Lauren Michaels, by the way.
(Matt and Sona laughs)
You asked for a podcast.
I'm blown away
that you don't know your own feet.
I didn't know my own feet.
And she said,
this person who works on feet,
this Scottish woman who's fantastic,
she said a lot of people don't know their feet.
She said no one cares about their feet
until their feet hurt.
[Matt] Oh.
And-
Resignation?
(Matt laughs)
Oh, I thought you were resigning
and it just said, "Wrap. Question mark."
But they would still know
which toes are webbed.
You don't have to spend a lot of time
looking at your feet.
I know but this is one of those things
is that I don't think
I have any awareness about my body.
And I don't like it when people
want me to describe where's the pain
or how does the pain feel
because I think I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what feels better,
this or that.
They're just trying to help you.
I know.
I've told my wife that,
I said my least favorite question is,
"How does this feel?
I don't know how things feel.
Let's just get through this
and get to the grave!"
(Matt and Sona laughs)
There's so much to unpack.
Do you when you're sleeping,
don't you ever kinda wiggle your toes
and then you know that two are moving with each other
on one foot and not the other?
No.
First of all,
you can't feel.
The webbed toes don't feel any different.
But you can feel one pulling the other.
No, they don't articulate.
My toes don't really even articulate.
What?
You just have no jointed toes?
No, they should articulate.
I have have all the equipment down there.
Trust me,
I've got all the equipment down there.
No, no, no.
That's not a sexual thing.
I was talking in a sexual way about my toes.
Okay.
But what I'm saying is that I don't know.
I couldn't like grasp something with my toes.
Do you know what I mean?
Can you do that?
Could you grasp something with your toes?
I mean, yeah, but not like an ape,
but yeah, I could.
Well, you're somewhat apelike.
You're a very intelligent, fussy ape.
I can pick up a TV remote control with my feet.
Yeah, you can type with your feet
and play the piano with your feet,
but you're not like an ape.
No.
You do beautiful scrimshaw with your feet.
You make origami with your feet
but you're not an ape.
Well, I'll take that
over this guy that doesn't even know he has feet.
I don't know I have feet.
Are you comfortable with your body?
Like if you went to a nude beach
and everybody was getting naked,
you'd be like, "Let's do this, guys!"
Of course I'm not comfortable.
You were in a bit once with Chelsea Handler
where you were like, not naked,
but you had a nude-
Yeah. But that's not my preference.
That's when you do a bit with Chelsea Handler.
It's understood.
You must be naked.
And I will do anything for comedy,
but it is not my preference to be naked.
[Sona] Oh.
It's not my natural state
even though it is my natural state.
I love it.
[Matt] Yeah.
When we go to the Korean spa, I'm like,
"Let's do this!"
My mother said I was born
in a little three piece suit.
Oh.
I think maybe this is too personal,
but what do you sleep in?
Like boxer, briefs and a t-shirt.
Okay.
And then long socks,
and a Nixon mask.
(Sona and Matt laughs)
And when I wake up, I go,
"It's gonna be a great day!"
(Conan groans)
(Sona and Matt laughs)