I grew up in a religious household.
I know people
in this town don't relate,
but I grew up very religious.
My family were so religious
we didn't swear.
We were the type of family that,
like, if we were listening to music
and there was a dirty word
coming up, we would sing
over it with a cleaner,
but dumber word
(audience laughing)
and it got very pervasive.
We got to the point where
we would change the names
of things all the time.
We started changing
the titles of movies,
if we thought it was too much,
so I remember when
the original Hellboy came out,
I was in junior high.
I really wanted
to go rent it from Blockbuster,
rest in peace,
(audience laughing)
but I needed a ride so I went
to my older brother, Jeremiah.
(audience laughing)
Oh, is that funny?
I have a brother named
Zachariah, also
(audience laughing)
and my parents were
really debating between
Jordan or Habakkuk for me and . . .
(audience laughing)
Habakkuk is an Old Testament
prophet, but you knew.
You know, right after Natehub,
right before Zephaniah
prime—prime real estate,
so I went, I went to
Jeremiah, said hey Jeremiah,
can we go to Blockbuster
and rent Hellboy?
And he was so disappointed.
He looked right at me and said,
"Oh Jordan,
"I think you mean, Heckboy."
(audience laughing)
And I said, brother, forgive me,
for I have sinned
and let me tell you more about
Jeremiah for a little bit,
so Jeremiah and I
grew up loving
Saturday morning cartoons,
superhero cartoons
and this was right when
the first superhero movies
were coming out, Hellboy came out,
the first X-Men movie came out
and we loved X-Men,
it was our favorite,
but if you remember
the original X-Men,
there's this character
named Mystique,
and she is all blue and she
can shapeshift into other people,
but in the movie they decided
she wouldn't wear clothes,
she would just have blue
makeup all over her body.
Which was obviously too
provocative for Jeremiah,
but he really wanted to go see,
he wanted to take me to go see it,
but he wanted to feel
comfortable taking me to see it,
so he devised a plan where
he would feel comfortable,
so what he did before the movie
is he took two pieces of paper
and with each of them,
he cut out two tiny dresses.
One for me and one for him,
so yeah, so while we're
in the theater with strangers,
whenever Mystique came on screen,
we could just cover her naked body
(audience laughing)
and you guys, that's the
kind of righteousness
that borders on
serial killer behavior.
That's . . .
(audience laughing)
is too far.
If you ever meet a guy in
a dark alley that's like,
"Hello, my name is Jeremiah.
"I am clean cut and I do not swear
"and at all times I have
"two tiny dresses in my pocket."
(audience laughing)
He'll kill you, get away from him,
so I was at Blockbuster with
Jeremiah to rent Heckboy
and it was the first weekend
it was out.
We went and it was all sold out.
There weren't any copies left
and I said, oh no
and my brother said, "I shall ask."
And I said, please do not ask,
but he was determined.
He went straight to the cashier.
He said, "Excuse me, sir,
"do you per chance have
"any more copies
"of Heckboy in stock?"
(audience laughing)
You ever been with your family
and you're just like,
I wish I was anything but
related to you right now,
but the cashier said
something amazing,
something I still think about.
The cashier looked right at him
and said, "Oh, sorry,
"we're all out of Heckboy,
"but we did just get in
"the special edition of
"The Goshfather trilogy."
(audience laughing)
You guys, to this day,
I don't know if that cashier
was making fun of us
or if he was one of us, I don't know.