Ladies and gentlemen, we are back.
Welcome to B/R Football’s breakdown of every single Easter egg
and reference in the first episode of The Champions Season 7. Let’s get into it.
What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers
and their managers live together under one roof?
Players stop being polite and start getting...
Real.
This is The Champions.
-After facing Manchester City
our players stopped being polite and started getting
real sad.
-Yes, my first season was a great success. We won the double.
-I thought you only got one trophy.
-What are you talking about?
The League Cup and getting rid of Ronaldo. That's two.
-Oh now Arsenal qualify for the Champions League? Ugh.
-See, I didn't Messi to win another Champions League.
I just needed seven years, a billion dollars,
the most prolific striker in the world,
and zero FFP accountability.
Starting with the taglines, Thibaut Courtois still isn’t over
Real Madrid’s huge loss to Man City in the Champions League semifinals,
Erik ten Hag defends his first season at Man Utd —
remember at one point fans were talking about winning a quadruple? —
and referencing his beef with Cristiano, which led to him leaving the club.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang is annoyed at his former team Arsenal,
where he spent four years playing Europa League football,
who had a great season in 22-23 and qualified for the Champions League again.
In reality, Mikel Arteta getting rid of Aubameyang was one of the first steps
he made in building a harmonious squad
capable of challenging for the Premier League,
while Auba had a tough season riding the bench at Chelsea.
And then Pep Guardiola explains how he finally broke his personal 12-year curse
to win Manchester City’s first Champions League title. He got there in the end.
-Ugh, I'm sooo tired.
[weeps]
So first, congratulations are in order for Man City,
who won a historic treble this season.
Aaaand then it’s quickly forgotten about because in reality,
a lot of football fans quickly brushed over City’s success
due to their sheer dominance in the last few years — it’s becoming easier to ignore.
Instead, time to celebrate a break,
after a jam-packed season with a World Cup meant the 22-23 season started earlier.
In fact, there hasn’t been much downtime for footballers in the last few years,
what with the Euros and Copa America in summer 2021,
and the season continuing into summer because of Covid in 2020.
No surprise 37-year-old Luka Modrić needs a rest,
although you wouldn’t know it from his performances in the last couple of years.
-B. 9.
-Present.
-That's not how you play the-
[cracking]
Oooo-wee!
-Does anyone else have a ringing in their ear?
It's nonstop, ya know? Like a...
refs whistle.
[creaking] -Uh uh
[crash]
We head to the Senior Players Pavilion,
full of some of Europe’s veteran players playing bingo.
Naturally, Thomas Müller is center of attention, alongside Benzema,
Lewandowski, and Auba, who are all well into their 30s,
and Zlatan and Pepe, who are in their 40s.
Kyle Walker has diversified his business portfolio with some zimmerframes,
and we see a poster for the OG retirement league, MLS.
Karim Benzema has a goodbye cake,
referencing his move out of Europe to Saudi Arabia,
and Zlatan shows his age with a cracked back.
Over the other side of the room,
Toni Kroos is also thinking about his business portfolio,
while we see Edin Dzeko and Olivier Giroud drinking out of mugs that say
‘Milan’s finest’ and ‘Milan’s second finest’,
referencing how Dzeko outshone Giroud
as Inter beat Milan in the Champions League semifinals.
Oh, and they’re eating ‘Fox in the Box’ pizza because at their age,
both Dzeko and Giroud have the most impact inside the penalty area
scoring goals, and… not much else.
Unsurprisingly, Sergio Ramos can’t stop hearing a ref’s whistle,
and Manuel Neuer falls off his skis,
a reference to his skiing accident
which kept him out of the second half of the 22-23 season.
[phone ringing]
-Sorry guys, I gotta take this.
I’m trying to find a new bench to sit on.
[phone ringing]
-Huh. Why is Ronaldo calling me?
-He called me too. I didn't answer.
-Same.
-Poor guy.
I think he's just lonely and wants to be part of the conversation.
-Oof. Things really have changed since the World Cup...
Auba gets a call as he’s desperate to move to another bench somewhere,
referencing his lack of play time the last few years.
The call is from Cristiano Ronaldo, draped in a Saudi flag
and wielding the sword he was given as part of Saudi Founding Day celebrations
not long after his move.
As we zoom out we see another poster
where Gareth Bale is encouraging everyone who is
‘Tired of Playing Sports’ to just give up, like he did —
now he spends his time with his one true love, golf.
They all talk about how things changed after the World Cup:
Ronaldo was knocked out and moved to Saudi Arabia,
while Messi effectively ended the GOAT debate
by leading Argentina to a memorable title. Speaking of Messi…
[slurp]
-Ahhhhh.
Back at the mansion, we get a sneak peek at Messi’s new life in the GOAT Suite.
Now he’s won the World Cup, it’s all about relaxing for the greatest of all time.
In the suite—where everything is gold, by the way—
we see his countless trophies, with Champions Leagues, La Ligas, Club World Cups,
FIFA The Best Player, Golden Boots, and of course his Ballon d’Ors.
And a reference to his clutch celebration against Real Madrid in 2017.
We also see the shirts of two legendary players,
and some people’s choice of GOAT, Pele and Maradona,
above a pile of gifts that include the ‘baton of football’ he was gifted by Argentina,
and even the Mona Lisa. Basically, Messi is a big deal.
[muffled cheering]
I never get tired of this view.
Messi opens his window to a crush of Argentina fans—
and Salt Bae, who has a knack of worming his way into football situations,
including the World Cup final,
where he was criticized for how persistent he was with Messi.
This is pretty much what happens to Messi everywhere he goes,
from his holidays in the United States,
to the fans back home in Argentina.
But it’s cool, he’s won a World Cup now, he doesn’t mind.
-Leo, you've everything you could possibly win.
How are you feeling about your big move to the M.L.-
-Sh sh sh.
I'm just trying to World Cup and chill.
You feel me, bro?
[grunting]
Messi’s all about chilling now, and even Pelota gets some time off.
Messi’s so chill he’s not even bothered to talk about his move to Inter Miami,
which makes sense considering he said himself he wanted to return to Barcelona.
Naturally, Rodrigo De Paul is on lifeguard duty,
as before the World Cup it became a widespread meme
that there could never be a picture of Messi in an Argentina camp
without De Paul nearby.
And of course, Emi Martinez came through with that celebration
from the World Cup final.
-Ahhhh. -Ahhhh.
-Hey, no hard feelings right?
Aren't these things great?
-Oh yeah, I take mine everywhere.
-Me too. I can't sleep without it.
-Guess who's back? Back again?
Yoooo!
Eminem in the house, boi!
-Wait. Where?
No, I mean us.
M - N - M.
-Ugh. Even his jokes are flopping.
-Yo, let me sweat with you guys.
-Uhhh, I don't think you fit the dress code.
Messi, winner of the 2022 World Cup,
is chilling with Mbappe, winner of the 2018 World Cup,
and life is good.
But then Neymar bursts in and tries to recreate PSG’s ‘MNM’ trio
that everyone was so keen to see take over the legendary mantle of MSN at Barca…
but it didn’t happen,
and now Neymar feels left out
because he never got his hands on the World Cup trophy.
-Look guys, can I say something?
It's cool you both have World Cups now, but...
I kinda feel like the odd striker out.
-So, you're saying you're just not as good as we are?
-Uhhh. Did I?
I'm not?
-Wulp! You said it, not me!
-Hey Kylian! Kylian!
Check this out. It works as a hat!
-Oh, that is top cool! Let me try!
[silly sounds]
[sighs]
[silly sounds]
More misery for Neymar, who gets faced with the fact he just wasn’t quite at
Messi and Mbappe’s level —
he spent a lot of last season injured,
even though his numbers for PSG were really strong,
and Messi and Mbappe did strike up a bit of a partnership in his absence.
Now, with Messi winning a World Cup and leaving, the trio really is over.
[glass wipe]
[phone ringing]
Neymar returns to a familiar spot —
this cliff is where he and his entourage came to ‘clear his head’
when things weren’t working out with PSG back in Season 3, Episode 4.
This time, he’s all alone, wearing a jacket from Season 5,
using glass polish to clean his ankle,
because, well, given the number of injuries he’s had in his career,
you could say it's made of glass.
He gets a call from Cristiano,
with the picture on his phone referencing Ronaldo’s tears after Portugal
were eliminated by Morocco at the World Cup.
-Yo?
-Oh my gosh, Neymar! You picked up! How are you?
I've been thinking about you so much!
-Uh, why? We barely know each other.
-HAHAHA classic Neymar.
You're hilarious.
Hey! I was just thinking...
what if you came to visit me in Saudi Arabia?
We could play a match, pad our stats...
-But I'm injured.
-Honestly, it doesn't matter.
Here they let you just stand on the pitch and collect money.
It's great.
-Yooo, that sounds dope!
Let me pick up my sister, and I'll be right over!
Ronaldo’s convincing Neymar to come to Saudi Arabia,
and he references the lack of quality in that league by saying
it doesn’t even matter if Neymar is injured,
you can get money for just turning up.
And of course, Neymar’s never one to leave his sister out of the equation.
-Excellent.
I'm looking forwards to it.
[hangs up]
-Yes! Yes! Somebody likes me man!
-Soon the mansion will be all mine.
[diabolical laughter]
We cut to a mysterious figure,
who moves a Neymar figurine next to a Cristiano Ronaldo figurine,
where we can also see a group of aging players.
But who is this?
The pitch looks sneakily like a chessboard…
And they’re wearing number 7…